Adamant daughter

Dear ASG, Agreed that financial status does not matter for a love life. I respect you and ur hubby for facing all the tough times bravely and working hard to come up all this way.

what would you feel about a poerson who falls in love wiht a guy who is not eduacated and sells pan parak!? I dont mean to say that its a cheap job, but then its very clkear that in a country like india a quick improvement in life is harldy possible witout proper education. And any educated person in india has other options than selling pan parak.

ASG - am not arguing here but felt that its not safe for the girl to give her life in the hands of a person who cannot find a job enough to support himself and his family!

Thinking about the future of the couple and thier kids its a very dangerous situation.

 

Nalina mam,

Thanks for your reply. As you asked the most hurt person is again both me n my hubby first and our parents too. every one is equally hurt here.

Its very true that the scars inflicted by children remain for ever in life. But thro this process, what i got from my parents is still a raw wound in my heart and I fear to look back at my past.

Every parent would get emotionally hurt to the core in such a process and the way we react out of emotions only hurt others more. Result? Ur daughter talks back or does someting in return that hurts you even more.

The best way to handle this problem would appear when you calm down and wait for some time for things to settle down so that the mind would have calmed down ( on both sides) and would have become open for suggestions

Nalina mam,

Caste of course is a sensitive issue in a marriage. Its difficult to cope up giving up some of the believes that we have grown up ever since we came in to the world. But over a due course of time we get to know about ew belifs and new understandings and new ideas in life that comes in to practice because of the loved one.( just like we absorb the culture of the geographical area when we happen to stay in that place for quite some time)

For now, Just sit back and take your time to relax yourselves - nothing to take it so sensitive and serious that you are not able to have your normal meals.. The society which you are fearing about is changing a lot and love marriages have become very common that we can see some 50% of the marriages are love marriages approved by parents and life goes on very well for them - only but for the difference in csutoms you seee in life.

As far as both the parties do not think on sticking only to their customs life goes very cool for everyone.That ways my life has been very much appreciable as my mil had never thrust any custom on me and also i loved to learn and follow the customs from my DH's side and my parents were happy about me going with the DH's family customs.

Thanks for your blessings. Take Care and Dont worry.

Things would be fine.

Love,
Sarajara.

 

Nalinamani, due regards to you & your worry abu your daughter's future.
All mothers in India go thru same stress when they feel that either astrologically or agewise this is the right time for daughter to get married.

My mother never overreacted like you but went into depression & was hospitalised as someone told her if I dont get married by month end, there's no marriage until next 4yrs & i just turned 25 at that time.

No one else but I paid price for it, they were relieved once I nodded my head for my DH, both the parties were in a hurry to just finalise things & went overboard in committing & promises even on our behalf that turned into a big mess in these 6 yrs.
Yes my parents also said, is this what we get in return for all this upbringing, I got married as per their desire however never opened up about the struggles of basic marital life to them & they always alluded see it was such a great decision... Only when the same was tried with my BRO ..who fell into the category of adament son I was forced to share my wounds with them & they were shocked beyond belief. Thankfully they gave him enough space for decision making.
Kids are not adament but have individuality & certain desires which may clash with those of their parents, now its upto parents to facilitate fulfilling those or imposing theirs.. if one is a firm believer of destiny then its easier for that person to say.. ok .. I'll let you do what you want. Also if today you dont facilitate fulfilling those desires then never crib in future if her MIL also falls in way to your DDs desire big or small.

I guess all debts are over now with parents & maybe now they dont expect much in exchange of upbringing but I would request all mothers to never do this to their daughters... hence in one of the earlier posts I mentioned, I'll sail with my daughter as far as possible & will then let her go, cos I dont want her to suffer silently paying the price of my upbringing.

 

Let me clarify why I said "Adamant Mommy" .......

If I were to be the daughter, I as an "Individual" would have taken big time offense if my parents set up a friendly meeting with a guy whom I dislike... whom I call a chatter box...

Just imagine this guy is sooooo new to all of them is being too "open" and friendly on the chat with a person who may or may not be his MIL..that itself makes me feel uncomfortable...

and the mother tells him my daughter needs time to decide.... and there he is; wanting a friendly meet with the daughter.. sounds crazy to me...
and above all the mommy dear agrees "even after" an explicit "NO" from the daughter...

Its clearly a case of "either its my way or Highway" attitude from the mother...

Honestly my parents(in spite of being "not so educated") would never do it to me and I will never do it to my children...

I think the OP is just trying to be too dominating...and wants things to be done "her way only"

 

YOU DIDN'T REPLY TO MY WRITING NALINIMA I AM OLDER TO YOU THOUGH DON'T HAVE DAUGHTERS BRINGING YOU SONS IS EQUALLY DIFFICULT -----------WE UNDERSTAND YOUR TURMOIL 100 % ------DON'T JUDGE OTHERS HARSHLY THEY ARE LITTLE ELDER TO YOUR CHILDREN HAVING YOUNG BLOOD AND DON'T CARE ATTITUDE, THEY WILL CHANGE THE VIEW WITH AGE, WE CANT FORCE THEM TO SEE WITH OUR EYES AND HEARTH, IT IS DIFFICULT-------------BE CALM, FORGIVE FORGET, EACH HAVE DIFFERENT VIEWS OF RIGHT AND WRONG FOR SOME THOUGH INTELLIGENT EXPERIENCE IS A GOOD TEACHER, YOUR PROBLEM WILL HAVE A GOOD SOLUTION.-----PRAY TO SANISWAR:bonk

 

well said malliga mam!

I think you are more inclined on the horoscopes side nalina mam.

Once you have mentioned abotu your daughters Rashi and Now yours.
Astrology is only ofr our guidance. Its not life.

There is nothing to be emotional about people's replies.Its just that every one's view on the problem, just like the refraction of light through a crystal ball.

You can consider the ones that feel that you can go ahead with. Rest of them just you can ignore.Noting to feel bad about every one having a view against you or nothing like youngsters not respecting elders.

Cheers.

 

Don't worry Nalinamani, everything will be fine.... Good luck

 

ASG,

I really like your posts. But I think, in this scenario, its like comparing apples and oranges. Your hubby is educated from a top university, he had it in him to reach where he is today.

In India, if you are not educated, and selling pan parag, and if thats your daily bread and butter, then ANY parent of a young girl WILL be aghast and concerned! Most of the middle and upper middle class parents here look at education, job stability, financial stability, family as the primary criteria.
If a guy is selling pan parag, either he is from a lower social background, or he does not have it in him to move up in life, either by procuring a better education or getting smarter in his job. Things may improve for him, his wife could help him in sponsoring his education etc, but then, its going to be a real struggle for her. On top of it, you will find PILs/parents interfering, leading to other differences - how love will survive in such situation is anybody's guess!

Its India - you will find parents spending lakhs on their kids education, right from school to grad/post graduation. You will not find many middle class kids working as waiters/toilet cleaners to cover cost of their education. Also, no top CEOs will EVER work at a Macs, however bad the situation is! Class, social background is a BIG thing here. Its a different scenario that many Indian kids will work as part time cab drivers/waiters etc in US, Australia etc, but never in India.

We will be hypocrites to deny that we dont believe in social divide, we all do - at some level - atleast people born n brought up here in India.

Nalinamani,

The best you can do now is reconcile to the fact that your daughter will not marry the guys you shortlisted. And it might just backfire incase your daughter takes an extreme step - eloping. So please try to relax and go easy on your DD. You've understood what is required to be done now. Hope you can take it forward from here! All the best to you and your family!! :thumbsup

 

I wasn't planning on replying further, but since a question was particularly asked of ME, guess I will respond.

None of the big shots will work a job beneath them out of ego? Jeez, sounds charming. Maybe the girl who married the social outcast selling pan parag wanted a guy with solid worth ETHIC and not just a pin stripe suit and chauffered benz. A job is only a small fraction of who a person is.

And education doesn't equate highly motivated. Just think back 100 or so years ago when higher education wasn't the norm. Most industrialists or business people started their trade using street smarts and determination. I'm so over this whole 'highly educated' kick Indians are on. Education is great, but it's not the sole determinant for how your life will end up.

My inlaws owned a big famous restaruant/hotel in Chennai. If anyone here is from Chennai, you would definitely know it if I said the name. Anyways, do you know how this particular restaurant was founded? By my dh's great great great (maybe more or less greats) grandfather (basically, like 120 years ago). Guess what he was? An 'uneducated' guy selling fruits at the rail stations. But he capatilized on that, diversified his products, saved money, and started the restaurant.

What is wrong with a simple life? What is wrong with being married to the guy selling pan parak if that is where your heart tells you you belong? Is riches and a big house a gaurantee of a happy life? Judging from this message board, no! Some of the time these threads start "My husband works in big MNC... but he beats me". News flash: Not everyone feels the burning desire to have 12 servants and a rolex watch. Some men and women are happy to lead a modest life, as long as that life is with the person they love.

And really, is it that parents care SO much about their kids future? Or is it that they care SO much about 'what will the neighbors think'?

If all the bank accounts in the world were wiped clean, and you were left standing next to the guy you married... would you still like what you see? That is the question women must ask themselves before getting married. Because reality is, money is not written in stone, one day it could be here, one day it could be gone. A high earning finance man could have a stroke and never work another day in his life.

Yeah, a stable career is a good thing. It shows responsibility and dedication to making a life for yourself. But who is to say what career that should be? Afterall, who is having to live with the oh so low pan parak guy.... the girl or her parents?

It's funny... Indians in India act so high and mighty about social status, and that certain jobs are beneath them to do. Yet here in US, considered the most forward and industrialized nation on earth, there is not that much ego. While India is still considered a third world country, it's own citizens are afraid to get their hands dirty or respect each other's importance in society. Yet in the US, where it would be so easy for people to get away with that ego, they put it aside and live and let live.

I know. So is it any wonder that you have so many Indian guys running around with a gigantic sense of entitlement/ego? Is it any surprise that these spoiled brat guys turn into husbands who wont lift a finger at home? Or daddy's princess type girls who get the shock of their life when they enter married home and are expected to cook and clean the house? The only reason middle class Indians are allowed to continue viewing themselves as hoity toity kings is because the poor masses work for well below normal amounts. That's it. The day the poor start demanding higher wages is the day Indians will have to snap into reality and realize that all jobs have importance, and that everyone is important in their own way.