Adamant daughter

Dear Nalinamani,
You may be sayingher the marriage wont take place this year ,jsut that you are searching for a good alliance and then after enquiring about family and guy's backround will you take the further step. But once you see a guy and everything is fine, the marriage might not happen but she has to agree to get married to him at any future point of time. And that would mean she HAS TO forget her now boyfriend and get into a new realtionship. She cant say herself "ok marriage wont happen this year so I will go on love this guy till marriage and then drop the relation." So please STOP taking any further step on these. Give her time, by time she will grow upto a more matured lady and she will understand this relation is not suitable for her(since you are so clear and adamant that this doesnt suit her). Astrologer has said if she gets married within this time your daughter will have a good life else not, and she says if you want her to marry now she will marry only this guy. So according to that the astrologer's prediction is already gone wrong. You are syaing this relation wont be good for her in long run, so even if she get married within the said time she will suffer(god forbid). From this itself we can know how much possibility is there for all these prediction to beconme true.

 

Madam,

Your daughter is only 22 now and please stop forcing her to get married. She will say OK when she is ready for it, I still regret because I got married when I was just 21 years. Let her enjoy her independence atleast for 2-3 years from now, anyway marriage is sure to take place in her life but let it take its own time.

 

I read your thread and can relate myself with your daughter. I was in your daughters position same 15 years ago.

I was 21-22 then was seeing a guy liked him and was damn adamant to marry him. At the same time my parents also started looking for alliances and I rejected every proposal that came in my way with some stupid excuse and insisted on getting married to that boy.

To be frank at that age you never know what marriage is all about and you only aim to get married to that guy without any second thought.

However seeing my stubborness my parents did stop the groom seeing stuff and explained me the positive and negative aspect and left me to take decision. Also for next 3 years they didnot see any groom and let me explore world, life and people.

By then I was about 25-26 and I became aware and what I found best qualities in him were no longer good and differences cropped up due to cultural and upbringing diversity. Let whatever come and let whatever be issue we will adjust was no longer true. Finally we mutually separated understanding the differences and also aknowledging the fact we may not be happy and just to show love is all above we should not marry.

I would like to highlight
1.) Beauty, caste, creed and money all material things are not the parameters to slect spouse/groom.
2.) Some couples are immature and infatuacted (21-22) when they enter the relationship. However as they age in relationship and taste the day to day life they also understand pros and cons.
3.) Last but not the least. The relationship is only built by two persons involved in it. If they are genuine and respect each other then there is no looking back else life can be miserable.

Another thing is no matter how hard you try to point out to the person his/her love's cons they will not understand. Sometimes life is the best teacher.

All I say is give your daughter some time and let her explore life and in meanwhile she will come to know the exact nature and other details of that guy. In case they are true to each other their love and decision will be same even after 2 years. Also in due course you can also get a more details about the guy and if he a true gem your opinion too may change.

 

Hi,
Here are a few suggestions from my side..
1) Since you believe in astrology, why don't you get a 'second opinion' :ideafrom another renowned astrologer?
2) Please tell your daughter aboutthe adjustment issues she must face after marriage. For example, if you have some friends belonging to the same community as her boyfriend / eat non-veg, see if you can make your daughter stay in theirr house for a couple of weeks
3) See if you can make your daughter stay with some relatives in Chennai, so that she will come to know about how life is there, and whether she is really ready.
4) As some members suggested, can you send your daughter for higher studies / work in a different location, so that she knows what it is to live alone and be responsible?
5)Last but not the least, ask her to view some of the posts by ladies having marital issues.

Raji

 

She is no kid. So please do not go behind her advising how to talk, how to behave with people. She is grown up girl and will know how to handle it. Please give her some space and time. You seem to be all over her. Just because you liked this boy, you want her to say YES and get married. But, please, please think from her side too. She is young, smart girl who has been parented by YOU, and so don't you trust your parenting now. Then why are you worried as to how she will talk to this person. Give her a chance to do it, you do not have to coach her on this also.......JMO!!

Relax!! All will be fine!!

 

Nalinamani... do the boys of the world a favor and lay off this marriage kick you're on. Because now not only have you annoyed your daughter, you've also hurt what seems to be a nice decent boy. He didn't deserve to get his emotions played with, and that's exactly what you did since you knew your daughter was not open to the idea of marriage yet set them up for chat and meetings anyways. And now, through no fault of hers, your daugher is left having to find a graceful way to exit this situation.

I feel... the sight of wedding invitation cards, mangalsutras, and bharat music is like opium to Indian parents. It's addicting and they can't get enough. Too much fixation on the wedding DAY, not enough thought on 'happily ever after'. :bonk:bonk:bonk

What should you do now? Stay out of it. Again you have forced the wedding thing by setting your daughter up for a meeting with this guy. Really, what part of 'no' don't you understand? If this were just your daughter you're going around hurting, that would be one thing. But you are also hurting this guy who is seriously looking for a wife! Do you think he wants to be made a jokester by you? Uh, no. So do him a favor and stop leading him on. No more play dates, no more internet chats, unless your daughter initiates it of her own free will.

As for when she meets this guy.... if you cared so much about his feelings, then you wouldn't have set him up for a date with a girl (your daughter) who wants nothing to do with him. Now, you're going to have to let her handle it herself. She seems to like this guy as a friend, so I doubt she is going to skewer and humiliate him unnecessarily. But if she doesn't want to marry him, what do you want her to say, YES just to spare his feelings? Your daughter sounds decent, I'm sure she'll be able to handle an awkward conversation graciously. You were so confident she was of marriagable age... so don't you think if she is old enough to get married, she must also be mature enough to hold her own in a conversation?

Sorry if my post seemed a little hostile, but it looks like you just don't give up!

 

"becoz honestly, I do not want to loose this boy as he sounds very nice and affectionate and on top, he likes my daughter very much, her passions, her ambitions and encourages her further studies/carrier and more importantly, he doesn't care about her wearing glasses"

Nalini,

With all due respect, you are the one that needs to become more mature and get a reality on life! From a few chat sessions you've already understood how this guy is?!?! Honestly lady, u don't even have a clue as to how affectionate he is and how he will encourage your daughter. All guys say these things while on the "marriage interview" with the parents. Apparently you understand everything there is to understand about a guy you've spoken to for a couple days. So imagine how your DD understands the guy she's been seeing for the past few years.

And you're honestly worried about guys having an issue with ur DD wearing glasses?!?!? How superficial are you?

Please end this ridiculous charade and give your daughter some peace. She's 22 and old enough to make the decision on who to marry. Let it be her choice.

 

good luck...