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About Me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lifeasitgoes, Apr 28, 2010.

  1. lifeasitgoes

    lifeasitgoes New IL'ite

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    Hello ILites!
    I've been reading your posts for over 2 weeks now and I'm thrilled and wonderstruck at the number of people who actively participate in this forum!

    I'm a 27 year old female who has been married for 4 and half years. I have a 3 and half year old son. My husband and I moved to a place 2 and half years ago.

    Ours was an arranged marriage. We belong to the same community and caste. Our sub caste though are different! What is even more different is our upbringing.

    My parents both work and my brother and I have been brought up in an independent lifestyle. My MIL is a homemaker and my late FIL was a teacher.

    My husband, his elder brother and his SIL are all software engineers. When my wedding was fixed, my family was very excited since I was a software engineer with 1 year experience getting into a family of software engineers. They felt that since everyone was in the same field, everyone would be understanding and things would go well.

    Our courtship period lasted all of 3 months, where I was too happy weaving beautiful dreams about my new independent life with my life partner. I shared all my dreams on our weekly outings. Without fail, every single week he came home and picked me up and took me out to restaurants, shopping, movies, malls .. the works.. It was pure bliss.

    During this period, I asked my husband several times as to what his Mom said about our weekly meetings and our shopping spree and such things. He would always say what would she say? Nothing. She doesn't say anything. I always thought that MIL was a very quiet person who dint interfere with her grown up children's lives and felt very lucky. The limited number of times I interacted with her, she was extremely loving and caring. Always blessing me and smiling at me and making me feel very comfortable.

    My BIL and SIL had a nearly 3 year old son then. My BIL and SIL used to live in a house 10 mins walk from my husband's house. My MIL used to stay with my husband. My nephew used to go to a pre school for about 3 hours (9-12) and then return to our house in the afternoon. His parents would return at around 8 pm to pick him up from our house.

    Before the wedding was finalised, my mom told my MIL that I had no experience with any house hold chores since I was busy with my studies and then my job all along. To which she replied, oh that's all right, even my elder DIl was like that. She dint know anything. Now look at her, I've taught her everything and she's able to independently manage her house so well with the small kid and her job.
    (I dint know any cooking or cleaning. In fact, even all my clothes shopping was done by my parents for me. Not because they forced it on me, but because I liked it that way. My dad took care of me like a princess and did everything for me. He would drop me anywhere that I needed to go and pack my lunch box for me daily. Mom used to cook for us daily without fail.)

    After we got married, my MIL told me that i should consider their house as my house and stay in it the way I did in my parents' house, without any inhibitions. I took that her words at face value and told her that i dont know any house work but I want to learn. At mom's place, mom always told me what to do and I would do it. So even here, please tell me what things should I do and i will do them happily. She said oh, nothing like that. She would never tell me that I should do this or that.

    During our honeymoon which lasted about 8 days, my husband used to call my MIL every night and tell her what places did we go to and what we ate etc. He always fussed over her health and asked if she ate well and slept well. I used to find it a little odd, but I dint say anything about it. My BIL used to sleep in our house with my MIL since they felt it was not right to let her sleep alone.

    One day during our honeymoon, my husband told me that they lost their fater unexpectedly to a cardiac arrest. Within a few weeks, the brothers who were settled due to work, made my MIL move to stay with them, since they did not want her to stay alone. My BIL's wedding was already fixed before my late FIL passed away and for one year, both sons used to sleep on either sides on my MIL every night until my BIL got married.

    After their wedding, obviously my BIL slept next to his wife, but my hubby still used to sleep next to MIL every night and apparently, they used to cry that my BIL would not sleep with them! I found this bit of information extremely psyched me out but I again dint say anything since I felt it was too early for me to make any comments/sound judgemental.

    Once we returned, I found my MIL was acting wierd. She was using abusive language at my hubby calling him horrible things and I was again very quiet and dint say anything, since I felt it would be better to talk to hubby in private.

    When I did ask him, he said oh, that's nothing, FIL's death ceremony is about 2 months away, she's missing him and so her outbursts. Dont worry, it has nothing to do with you. She will be fine soon. I thought that I got into any extremely wierd family but continued to keep silent. After this, instance, there were many instances when MIL started screaming and throwing tantrums. hubby was quiet all along, but I used to be very disturbed by this. I told him that I dont like such scenes in the house and since we spend long days at work, I would like some peace of mind at home. He said dont worry, its a short phase it would be fine.

    Every day, we would return from work around 7 pm since we wanted to spend some time together. But MIL would be angry by the time we returned, screaming at nephew that his parents havent returned etc. I would play with nephew for some time after changing. MIL used to keep dinner ready by this time, since she would cook in the afternoon, around the time nephew would return from playschool and the same thing was for dinner as well. She only used to make fresh rice around the time we reached home. So there was practically nothing to be cooked after I returned home. I used to talk some general things and play with nephew, then set the dinner table and clean up after dinner. Some days nephew used to eat dinner with us, some days he would go back home. I dint mind either ways. But even after dinner, MIL would expect that hubby would sit and talk to her for some time. I would be damn tired and was used to going to bed by 10:00 pm daily. But mother and son would never finish their conversations. i also used to feel left out, since they would discuss some family members/issues that I wasnt aware of and never bothered to explain anything about them to me. So I started going to bed by around 10:30 pm after cleaning up the kitchen, since I had to catch my office bus at 7:15 every morning. Hubby used to sit inside MIL's room and talk for another 1 more hour and then come into our room and start prodding me for sex. I used to be very irritated by that. Imagine both reaching home by 7:00 pm and not getting any time alone until 11:30 pm... I found it extremely ridiculous. I used to avoid sex, since I would be very tired by then. Or just go on with it for my husband's sake. But I never felt satisfied or felt any togetherness in this. I told him many times that we should spend more time together, since this is the initial days of wedding. he would say yes, but amma is also alone the whole day, she will feel lonely, so we should spend time with her. I used to keep quiet again.

    This arrangement went on for over 6-7 months. Durng this time, MIL started extending her anger towards me. She used to shout at me telling that i dont do any house work. If I woke up early in the morning to complete breakfast, she would wake up earlier than me the next day. Every morning, she used to wake up at 6:00 am and I used to wake up around 6:15 am. I used to enter the kitchen and ask if I could help with anything, she used to say no bathe and get ready. I used to take my bath and get ready and by that time, she would complete cooking breakfast and I would only have to pack it in our boxes. My husband used to also wake up around 6:30 or so and start talking nineteen to the dozen to his mom. One day she complained to her sons in the evening that I just wake up and enter the kitchen, show my face and then go to the bathroom and spend 15 minutes washing my ass. Then I dint help in anthing in the kitchen. Thinking that I was asleep. I was not. I was lying down in our room, waiting for my husband; Imagine my horror when i heard this. I still dint question them or say anything. (Maybe that was my biggest mistake).

    Also, anything that my husband and I would discuss, he would always tell my MIL. So I once told him that between husband and wife, there are some things that are private. They should not be shared with anyone else. The next evening, as soon as I came home, she scolded me loudly and shouted at me telling how dare you teach my son to hide things from me? I was utterly let down.

    I tried my hand at all the household chores. I used to fold the washed clothes in the mornings, since I was not allowed in the kitchen and my MIL continued scolding me that I dint do any work. Then i got scolded that this work is unimportant , do important things in the mornings. I was at my wits' end. How to please such a lady?

    My mom always advised me that its important to remain cool and calm. It will take time for me to understand them and for them to understand me and in the mean time, i should be patient since I;m the younger one
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2010
  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    There's no solution to such MILs or DHs, they learn their own lessons when they step on each other's tail & bite their tongues.

    Even if you move away from this lady, there'll be a long distance controlling, life shall be peaceful for few things that she wont know... rest will reamain same.

    Share less with your DH, and live like not so love dovey spouses. I'm myself living this life.
    Finally if this type of marriage doesn't/ shouldn't exist as per your vocablury then do the needful.

    People around you will not change in coming year until that oldie dies & believe me GOD is also not in urgent requirement of such souls :thumbsup.. hence change yourself & expectations else move out.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    hey i understand where you are coming from
    as i am working gone thru same drama at my home where mil used to manage everything and decline my support but end of the day used to crib that i wasnt of any use

    but now i guess you are in syndey is your MIL stil with you..or are you just talking about your initial days of marriage..?
     
  4. lifeasitgoes

    lifeasitgoes New IL'ite

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    Re: About Me 2

    I waited quite a lot.

    Every saturday, I used to go to the temple to light some til lamps, since it was supposed to be good for me. But my MIL started fighting for this also, saying even on weekends, you both just wake up and get ready and go out. I'm again stuck at home, doing all the housework. I asked her repeatedly to accompany us. The temple that my hubby always took me to was 15 minutes drive. If I were to walk the distance it would take around 1 hour each way due to all the ups and downs in that area. also, since I was new to that place and it was considered unsafe for ladies to walk alone there, they never sent me out alone. I used to wake up early at 6:00 am even on weekends, but MIL made it a point to wake up at 5:30 am itself, to outdo me and beat me at the household chores. She would finish everything by 7:00 am and then scold me that I'm not doing any work. So I changed the temple routine to saturday evenings. I used to cook breakfast and lunch on the weekends and stay at home. But then, MIL started going to BIL's house on these days saying she's bored and would not come back for lunch, saying they're forcing me to eat here. Hubby would go out to pay bills/complete some bank work etc and would not return until 3:00 pm or 4:00 pm. I would be sitting alone in that house with no one to talk to. If I would suggest that we go to my mom'sm place which is 40 minutes drive from our house, MIL used to say you both go, I will go to BIL's house. If we stayed there for 3-4 hours, she would again get angry and scold us as soon as we returned or not talk to us and give us cold treatment.
    I would not be able to c omprehend what her problem was. She would be angry everytime we both went out together, we visited my parents' place or we went shopping together. Then why did she want us to get married? Is it wrong for newly weds to go out together?

    We used to invite her with us everytime we went out, but she would make up reasons like she's tired, she wants to go to BIl's house etc. Then she would be angry. is that right?

    I have no answer.

    Then I got pregnant and she started Ill treating me even more. I had sever morning sickness and was unable to wake up until 6:45 or 7:00 am everyday. With great difficulty I was able to wake up, but she used to scold me everyday during this period. She used to force me to cook for her two grown up sons with extra large appetite and her fav elder DIl and herself every weekend without fail. I gave up going to the temple because it was impossible for me to go with all the work. I wanted to go for walk with my husband every evening during pregnancy but she again started fighting and my hubby started returning home late since he was getting fed up of the fights. He was unable to say anything against his mom and he was unable to say anything to support me as well in front of her. behind her, he dint have the courage to face me since he knew that I was being ill treated by her. I used to complain to him telling him to tellme what is the problem? Please ask her what she wants me to do?
    I used to directly ask MIL also that I will do everything you want me to do, but please dont scold me, I'm not used to that in my house. I want some happiness and peace in the house. She would never respond. Just say that I shoudl be able to understand myself.

    When we went for our regular check ups during pregnancy, I came back with the scans and excitedly showed her the same. She said, oh it looks like a monkey and laughed loudly. I felt very let down and cried. What a rude thing for her to say. She used to always say I hope it is a normal delivery, if you have operation, you cant life things and you will put on weight etc etc all the time. She also used to say i want a boy. I dont want a girl. This was the last straw. I openend my mouth for the first time in fron of her and told her that I want a healthy baby. It doesn't matter whether its a boy or a girl. SHe was shocked that I spoke out. She tried to cover it up saying I'm only saying this as a joke, dont take it so seriously etc...

    After this, i went to my parents' place for delivery and was blessed with a healthy baby boy. But it was a ceasarian for medical reasons. So she was scolding me again for that. Even when I was in the hospital on the day after the delivery, she came for 3 hours and then went out with my BIL, SIL and nephew for 6 hours, telling they wanted to shop for the baby. They came back with one shirt and shorts. Can you beleive that? After that, my mom sent my dad to buy some clothes for the baby (since we do not buy any clothes before the baby is born).
    After that we stayed in the hospital for 3 more days and she dint come on 2 of those days telling me that she was unwell. How cheap was that. Anyways, by this time I was fed up with her ways and I dint want to think about her. I just wanted to concentrate on my baby and that was it.
    I stayed at my parents' place for 4 months. During this whole time, she only called me thrice. hubby used to call me 2-3 times daily to check on the baby and me. he used to visit us once every weekend (either sat or sunday). My parents were concerned that he dint come often. My BIL's family came only once to visit at my parents' place, apart from the cradle ceremony and naming ceremony. My MIL came maybe twice apart from the function days. I used to usually ask my hubby how is MIL once every two days or so and he used to say she's fine etc. But she never once asked to talk to him, even though he used to sit right in front of her and talk to me. Only if I specifically asked him to give the fone to her, he would give it to her and she would say hello, how r u? how is my grand son? i dont want to disturb u during the day. I told her clearly that you dont disturb me, I will be veryhappy to take your call anytime of the day. but she never call;ed me. One day, my husband had the nerve to tell me that I shoudl call my MIL daily and check on her health since we would depend on her for taking care of our child, once i returned to work.

    I was flabbergasted! :drowning Can you beleive it?

    I returned to my place in the fifth month and my new problems started. I dint start work until the baby was 6 months old. i wanted to take time off for my baby. In the meantime, my hubby had come up with a pln. so I had to accompany him. He would start in August and I would have to join him in nov-dec. I informed this to ppl at work, but they dint want me to go till Jan. So they offered me the option to work from home for another 6 months. (They had already given me that option for 1.5 months during the final stages of my pregnancy and were happy with my preformance.) I took it up very happily, since i wanted to breastfeed until the baby was atleast 1 year old and want prepared to leave him so soon. I was very possessive about him as well.

    My nephew was nearly 4 by then, but I was afraid to let him alone witht he baby. I used to always be around whenever the two of them would play togehter. My MIL accused me of treating my nephew as an outsider and not trusting him with the baby. She said if it were your own first born, you woudl have let him wathc the baby while you did the work. Her complaint as always was that i was not working. I dint know what mroe wokr she wanted me to do. Maybe dur to the demands of the baby, separation from hubby and work stress, I started arguign with MIl on a daily basis. Every day she found some reason to pick on me. now that I was working from home, I used to cook lunch/dinner every day. My BIL also went abroad on some project work for 6 months and my SIL and nephew moved in with us. SIL and MIL used to cook breakfast. i used to wake up late at around 7:00 am, sicne my son used to wake up withn few minutes of me waking up. Since I would not be able to cook breakfast, I used to wait till SIl and neohew left for work and school and then bathe my baby, feed him, out him to nap, cook lunch and sit down to work. For this also, MIl started scolding that you cook lunch at 9:00 am, what is the hurry? we can cook at 12:00 by the time nehew returns from school. it will be hot for him. now I shoudl give him cold food. I used to complete cooking luncha dn begin work. I used to need atleasty 3hours continousy at the laptop to get some work done before my baby woke up again. I explained this to her and she would say no, you start your work as soon as baby sleeps, I will cook lunch later, you dont have to do it. So I used to clean and cut all vegetables and place the cooker on the stove with the veggies/rice/dhal. I used to turn it on at 11:30 so that it would be ready fresha dn hot by 12:00..
    Even thsi dint suffice her. She expected that i would feed my baby all his meals since i'm at home. and still wind up work at 6:00 pm. if I ever worked late, she would create a drama for that. I tried explaining that since I took multiple breaks during the day, I would not be able to complete my work at 6:00 pm,. i would ahve to work late. But she was not ready to listen.
    During the whole six months, I dint have any private talk with my hubby. Since we spoke on gtalk and MIL would always be hovering to talk to him.

    I have more to post, I will do it soon.
    For all of those who are wondering why i';m posting this, i'm feeling extremely lonely now and need a place to vent all my feelings and I';m using this wonderful forum to do the same. I'm looking forward to advise.comments/suggestions from all the experienced ladies here...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2010
  5. deepd

    deepd Gold IL'ite

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    Hello and welcome to the beautiful world of IL:)
    Nice to know about you.

    I appears from ur post that now you will be at peace of mind being away from ur mil .

    I can understand that its very difficult to deal with such MILs specially when shes a widow. She always has this emotional black mail stuff for her son that shes alone in the whole world and no one takes care of her. which makes the Dh to feel that you have ur husband and kid with u but his mother has no one except him. and he thinks that his mother is at receiving end and he should take care of her in each and every aspect (doesnt matter if he ignores u )
    In such cases it becomes very difficult to show DH his mothers actual face.

    But am happy for you that u r out of all that hell.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    My advise,why don't she stay sometime with your BIL and sometime with you.Since her other DIL is very good then why don't she plan to stay sometime with them.You need to pur across this table.

    Plase go and hire some cooking lady.You clearly tell that you don't have to time to do the things accoring to her wishes.Either allow you to do it or she need to work with coocking lady.So put accross to your husband about this.If your MIL has difficult to work around then hire a maid and she will be available all the time.

    Keep a dead ear and do according your plan.
    I guess lot of women will difficulty during initial years especially during child birth who are staying with in-laws.But eventually you will not have this pain.

    Because by this time you clearly know what is your MIL and you might already learn how to handle her and you established some what in that family and you gained comfort with your husband.
    And also when your son grow little more then you will be lot more comfortable physically.

    You handled the situation very well.Good thing is your husband with you .
    Here we don't have to blame about your MIL too.It's her situation.She really feels she don't have some one.Yes that's true.Her age also a difficult age.
    Only thing they don't know they can work with DIL and establish good relation with them.But they don't do that.They try to do other way around that's when they loose sons too.
    Next time when you go home then clearly tell to your MIL that you don't have make situation difficult for everyone.We can share house work on understanding that way you will have your peace and I will have my peae of mind.
    If she still don't understand what you are saying then hire a full time maid and give it to her.
    You mentioned she was shouting,is she continuing then she might have developed some depression.You need to ask your husband to check with DR.
    Is she enjoy any other things.She is alone from morning to evening and she doens't have any other things to occupy her other than irrititaing you and working against you.
    One thing they can't give DIL there kitchen because most of the times they can't eat food prepared by other because they have been in that business more than 20 years.To show others she need to crib on you.
    If she again start cribs before night itself keep your husband and tell that you are going prepare these things and tell your MIL don't go to kitchen.
    if she goes and does ahead of you then declare that even though you crib I can't do much about it.Say it loud.No problem.
    As long as you keep quite they don't understand what they are doing it to you and you suffocate inside.So say it loud and leave it.

    Over all I feel your position will improve eventually.Be happy stay happy.
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Life,
    First of all calm down.Your MIL is a typical MIL so nothing to worry.Don't worry ..your life is not as bad as it seems now because you are going through stress and post partum .

    Here is what I think you should do
    • Talk to DH once a day privately..in your room with door closed.If MIL says anything....reply firmly burt politely.....I miss my DH and want to talk to him alone as well..Do continue the community talk with him in front of everyone as well.
    • Tell him that you will hire a cooking lady whether she likes it or not.
    • If she says something just ignore.I hope she does not physically harm you.
    • Take care of your Baby according to your schedule and if she says anything again..politely but firmly....this is my work schedule and I need to follow it.
    You must have seen how she retreated when you stood up for the sex of the baby..She will only bully you if you let her.

    Have your own friends and invite them or go out sometimes...Visit parents as well. Don't sit around worrying about her.

    Take CAre.
    FL
     
  8. lifeasitgoes

    lifeasitgoes New IL'ite

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    Wow! First of all, thanks to all of you wonderful ladies for having taken the time to actually read through my posts and giving such wonderful supportive replies!

    My son was 11 months old then. I was of the strong belief that I shoudl stay with my baby until he was atleast around 2 years of age, before sending him out to full time child care. I was ready to send him out for 3 hours or so a day but not more, prior to that. So i wanted to quit my current job and move tand after about a year, take u a job there. When I explained this to my husband before coming, even before he could reply, my MIL jumped in shouting, all she wants to do is sit at home and eat and sleep while you struggle with your course and work. This was again because of the gtalk thing and not having private chats. I was very disappointed and I told her that i was discussing my baby and family life with my husband and she was not supposed to chip in. But she shouted back saying that its my son and I have every right to advise. My husband asked my MIL to calm down and be patient for a while since we were discussing the matter and not jumping to any conclusion at that moment.

    Anyways, after that, I moved with my son and stayed at home for 3 months on LOP. This was the most beautiful phase of my married life. I was extremely happy cooking, cleaning, taking care of my son, taking him to parks and shops and being able to take care of my hubby so well, each of his meals and snacks etc. He too was extremely loving towards me and appreciated all my efforts.

    Thereafter, I got into one of the onsite accounts of my Company and had to start working. This was because my husband had taken up lots of teaching jobs at the uni since his scholarship alone was not sufficient for the upkeep of the household and he was not finding enough time to concentrate on his research work and stuff.
    My son took a long time to adjust to full time child care since he was not used to being cared for by anyone other than me and now he was all of 15 months old, being sent to another environment that he was not familiar with. he was not eating properly, not sleeping, falling sick often. I was very upset with this. So my husband decided to ask my MIL to come and stay with us for some time till the child got adjusted to this new environment. I agreed since I felt that I had to put the welfare of the child ahead of my compatibility issues with IL's. So, after around 3 months of my child going to child care, he started settling down very well and my MIL came here. I was also pregnant with my second child then. My husband was away for a conference for 2 weeks. he left just the weekend before MIL arrived.
    As soon as she came, she started asking me to get the child terminated since it would be impossible for us to afford a second child and we could not take care of it. I was feeling very tired during these weeks and wasnt able to care for my son. I used to feel very irritable and tired and was feeling scared that even before the second one is born, I'm so irritable, how will I be able to care for my first one, once the second is born. Also, this was unplanned. Despite having the MultiLoad inserted, I had conceived. :(
    Now my MIL started complaining that I have to stay alone at home now. You go with the child in the morning and dont come back till the evening. Even after you come back, your son does nto spend any time with me. He clings to you all the time. If I'm atleast my elder grandson adores me. He cant live wihtout his ajji. he wants his ajji for everything. I will be doing something useful there, instead of wasting my time here. This was just 2-3 days after she came here and my husband was not yet back from his conference. My BIL started calling up on gtalk and asked me to stop sending my son to child care and leave him with MIL so she wont feel bored. He started saying that send him half a day and the other half she can look after him etc. I took leave from work and went in search of places where they keep children for half a day. Unfortunately, there was no such place. Even the child care where we were sending him was so hard to get intially.. We had registered for the spot as soon as my husband came here, that was more than 9 months ago and we had got the spot then. We dint want to lose it since MIL was here only for 4 months. She was also recently diagnosed with Diabetes and she had specified that she wanted to go back after 3-4 months to keep her health in check and also private medicine was too expensive here. And we were not finding any half day child care anywhere here.
    My husband called and convinced his brother and mother that he would be coming home for lunch once he's back here and also he will bring the child home early from child care so he can spend time alone with my MIL befiore i returned from office and he would get used to being MIL and get attached to her. After all, he was only an 18 month old baby... So she agreed but insisted on getting the second baby terminated. So after my hubby returned, we got the baby terminated and I went into a depression.. I resorted to eating non stop and gained more than 25 kilos in 1 year. My MIL caused more problems here with her usual complaints that I dont do enough work, I pretend to be working in front of my husband.. it was hell revisited. my husband again went back into a shell and I was left alone facing the loss of a baby, loneliness and an abusive MIL. My only ray of hope was my son. The only reason i looked forward to coming back home and eaking up each morning.
    Then started the fights between me and my husband. He never understood my problems. He always expected me to care for his mother's feelings saying that she has come here to help us, she has no obligation to do this. Despite that she has agreed to come here, you shoudl adjust to her and take care of her. Not make her get upset. her health is also critical now etc. I was doing my best, but she was just being herself. Finding faults endlessly with everything I do and managed to convince my husband also that i was at fault.
    I had trouble having a physical relationship at this juncture and this added to the trouble. I had lost touch with all my close friends during this period and dint have anyone to share my feelings with. At home, same old story, husband returning late, no private time and I would be tired by the time he would come to bed and I would have no energy for even a conversation, leave alone sex.
    Finally, after 4 harrowing months, my MIL left and I heaved a sigh of relief. That it was just the three of us now.

    But by this time, the expectation at work had increased. I used to stay longer hours at work, since MIL wanted time alone with my son and now that I started going bak home earlier, they started pressurising me with more work load and stuff. At home, with an enrgetic toddler and my dwindling energy, i found it very difficult to manage the household chores and work. husband stopped helping me at home and continued coming home late. He used to return home at around 5:30 after picking my son back up from childcare and then go back to uni after i returned home since he had lots of work to catch up with. i used to return and complete the pending tasks at home, like cleaning the house, cleaning the vessels, complete the cooking that husband had started, feed the child, play with him, put him to bed. And then I would fall asleep myself. Then again husband used to come back home and start getting angry that I dont stay awake till he returns. That i dont serve him any food. he has to put it himself and eat alone and sleep alone etc. My sex drive was completely gone by this time. All I wanted was sleep and rest. Nothing else.
    So this led to mroe fights between us. Now I had decided not to keep quiet. So everytime he shouted at me, i used to shout back at him and to my shock, all the things that I had help back repressed in the corners of my mind started coming out of my mouth.
    So even for small comments, I became very defensive and started recounting similar instances where his mom had scolded/abused me and started yelling and shouting. I used to feel very bad after such episodes, since I was turning into a monster that I detested. I tried very hard to hold myself back. but only realised that every time I held back, it would only come bursting out within a coupla days/ weeks time.
    Then one of my old guy frend pinged me one day and we just chatted away casually.. we used to be very close to each other wen i started working. he was seeing some one else from the begging of our frenship, so I knew that all we ever had was frenship but we were very close and he used to make some stupid comments like asking me to elope with him and I used to scold him saying he was shameless to say such things and I wud inform his gf about wat he is telling me... we had an amazing chemistry. it was like we were always able to understand waht;s going on in each other's mind and were able to be there for each other all the time. And then, I told him one day of my termination and how bad I felt. it was the first time i was sharing thsi with anyone other than my immediate family and i cried my heart out chatting to him ... he was trying to cheer me up and again mentioned elopiong and thsi time i decided to play along and said it wud be more difficlut now wat with my baby and all and we laughed the matter away. he was having trouble getting his wedding dates finalised and i was trying to morally support him all through this..
    one day, my husband happened to see this old chat in my mail and accused me of having an affair with him since the time before we were married and questioned me why I dint get married to him, why did I cheat on my husband. i explained that it was not that. He was my best friend and I had introduced him to my husband as well telling him that he's my best fren. He was just trying to cheer me up in his own unique way and was mentioning this eloping thing and that was it. there was nothing more to it. But my husband was not convinced. Everytime he found an opportunity he started taunting me about this. making snide remarks and I used to feel more offended.

    Now all the things that I enjoyed, cooking, cleaning, taking care of my husband, started seeming like a chore> Like a burden, I was the only one that had to do all the cleaning, washing, cooking over the weekends. Husband only slept in late and woke up, prayed for 2 hours, ate all the special dishes I cooked for the weekend and then either slept again or went to uni to work. He started complaining that he did all the outside work(which was bringing in the groceries weekly in the car from shopping malls less than 10 mins drive) and I expect him to help in te hosue as well.

    During the weekdays, i used to prepare beakfast and wash all the vessels and clean the house. He used to cook dinner and I used to come back and complete it and ensure that there is something for next day's lunch as well./ Some days he would only cook something that would be enough for dinner. So I would have to cook for lunch the next morning etc..
    Anyways, all these small things started adding up and I could not take it any more. I started feeling tired and I told him that it was getting too tiring to do al the work at home alone and manage the kid and go to work.

    He said its because have become very fat that i cant do the work.
    And the last straw was day before yesterday, he said, what have you done?
    What work are you doing here extra that you would not have done if you were ? All you do is go to work and come back. I dont know what extra work you do that you complain of being tired all the time.

    I'm totally devastated now. After all these years of adjusting and putting up with things, this is what he says? I dont know what to do. I cant think of taking a divorce, since I feel that it would cause a lot of pain to my parents. It was because of them that I got married to him in the first place. Now I dont want to add to their tensions...

    Also, we will be returning to India in another 3-4 months. He will complete his course by another 6 months and he wants me and my son to return before he returns, so he gets time to dispose of all the furniture and settle other things etc.

    I have suggested many times that I can quit my job and stay at home if he feels that he is having too much of work to do at home, so he can concentrate on his studies and I can manage the house well. But he does not agree to that.. Now, I'm on the verge of a promotion at work. it might be affected by my move to India.

    Once we go back to India, we will have to stay with my MIL, BIL, SIL and nephew atleas until my husband returns and finds a job and we decide on the school for my son. I'm now haiving nightmares about having to live with them. I know that I will not have any peace of mind with this arrangement and it is driving me mad, day in and day out.

    My husband says that even after we move back to India, my MIL will not stay with us and we will hve to send my son to some log day care. I'm not happy with this either, since we will hve to work for nearly 10 hours each day once we're back there. And the travel time will also be nearly 3 hours each day, since our house . So we will hve to leave my 3.5 year old son for over 13 hours at some place. I'm not at all ready to do that..


    We dont have any social circle here. My husband does not ever take me to any parties and declines attending any social events that are held at my work place or at any of my colleague's places. I have refused to go anywhere, since I cant go alone and now people have stopped inviting me. Not that i have any regrets about it.
    But every once in a while, I long for a close friend who is up to date with my daily happenings and i can chat anything with.. but i hardly find the time to drop in a coupla lines of mail and i obviously cant write about all my problems to all my frens... when i hardly have the time to actively participate in their lives...

    i know that i have lots of issues and I'm not able to take them one by one,
    I'm overwhelmed by all of this.
    I dont know where to begin and where to work at,.

    When i look at my husband, I sometimes feel such strong waves of love, I feel like just forgetting everything and being happy in his arms.
    Then i suddenly thnk of returning to and get all psyched out and hate him for putting me through this.

    I have mixed feelings for him. I cant bring myself to love him all the time, but I can't bear the thought of leaving him for good as well..

    If I tell my parents all this, they feel very upset about it. My dad feels very guilty that he pushed me into this relationship and everytime I tell them about any small problem, they would get very upset. So I have stoped telling them anything. I only talk about my son and sometimes my work.

    All I want is a happy life for all of us....

    And why amI writing all this, because I have no one else to confide into I feel the need to release all my pent up feelings/emotions and this is the most harmless way of doing it.

    Thanks for giving this opportunity and wish all of you the very best in your lives..
    :cheers
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2010
  9. happygal4

    happygal4 New IL'ite

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    @ Lifeas it goes...

    That was indeed 3 long posts
    You need to consider few things at the current juncture.

    1. You should neccesarily take care of your health very well. Eat right,exercise and sleep well. Will Make wonders to your energy level.

    2.At some point you have got to be assertive and put across things to your spouse. From what i understand , he is not bad but there have been not much understanding or rapport between two of u .

    3. Work on building the relationship with him as a family with your son. At this point he would be extremely pushed to complete his Phd and that would be no joke. You have done more than what you could to support him by working all along etc. At this last minute , lay low and be his pillar of support. Pls do not initiate fights or get into arguments. Rather see if you can get any extn at work to remain in Australia.

    4. Slowly put across your point that you are getting amazing oppurtunity and in the meanwhile find some options for him as well.

    5. If you continue to stay away for a while from MIL and family your bond would be better . Remember the whole conversation has to happen with his benefit in mind and not yours. Like your future plans like house , another kid, investments , studies of your son.

    I am not asking you to convince your husband to stay away permanently from his mum but for some more time to build your rapport and confidence in him. By then I am sure , your mil would be fed up with other DIL and would prefer you any day better ( usual story isnt it ).

    May be you could try this.. This worked for me ( Alas I am the only DIL and have to assume my duty sometime or the other ).
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    Whatever you are going though is common in lot of households.
    Especially for the women after childbirth is very difficult with 24/7 new responsability.
    Beleive this will improve lot when your son grow little more.Until then be patient.
    First thing you are used for the work load that's why it has become very difficult for you.For any mother keeping 11/2 year old baby outside 8-10 hours is extremely stressful.But nothing to worry about and you will pass that phase too.
    Here are my suggestions.
    Do you have any option to take a house near to your office and hire some lady or get your mother for 6 months to help you while your husband in sydney.
    Anyhow your MIL not going to stay with you and that's a good sign and don't invade problems your self by calling her to your house again.
    You plan for yourself and try to manage yourself.There are different solutions to problems.You need to think different solutions.
    Even though you have different house ,see you can rent some place to stay near to your office .Find some good women(I beleive there are people who have no one and no place to stay) to help you.That way lot of problem will be solved.
    Please be careful about pregnent next time.having another child will cause lot of issues for you becuase you are not ready for it.
    You really need to move on from your pregnency termination.Otherwise that will create lot of troubles between both you.
    If your husband wanted to pursue his education in first place you guys shouldn't have planned the kid.Since you did that's why all the trama.
    Two people needed to take care of a child.
    Anyhow please plan things according to your convience and not for your husband because you need to take care of the child and the house.

    I strongly suggest take some house near to office and get your mother and stay there until your husband come back to India.
     

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