A very Peculiar and Worrying Situation

I see you have replied in couple of places to the effect that 'marriage counseling is underway, let us see what is the result'.

From the way you brought it up, almost it sounds like you are awaiting some test result to be performed by some experts, almost like an operation or surgery.

Marriage counseling is not like that, op. That counselor does not have some magical words of wisdom to clear all the problems. Marriage counselling is a process which will be a success only to the extent that you and your wife participate honestly. Your wife is fine, she is very clear about her actions and what she wants. I see you as the person who is not clear about what he wants from this marriage -- repeatedly you are second guessing yourself, overruling your own conclusions, either because you are hoping for the best or because you see no malice in her or whatever. It is really important for you to know what you want -- from her and from this marriage. It is not clear to me, from your posts, that you clearly know what you want. You should really think and clarify your expectations. Only then will you be able to put them across to her during the sessions. And only if you do that, can there be any hope for any sort of agreement or compromise and the marriage counselling to succeed.

My suggestion for you is to really know what you want and to be firm and not concede on that, no matter the intentions good or bad you think you perceive.

PS: as to intentions, please remember that first 2-3 years of marriage spouses are usually on their best behaviour which usually deteriorates as time goes by and the comfort level increases. So if you are hoping that passage of time will improve matters....

 

I haven't read every post of the OP, so cannot say much.

I was just trying to reply to your general statement about feminism.

I am not married. If in future I see my husband toiling and slogging all day for money, my heart will ache and I will leave no stone unturned to lessen his burden and give him as much relief as I can.

But then again this should come from my will. I should not be forced to contribute equally ( if I take care of all the domestic affairs).

I am still in the matrimonial process, and I get very annoyed when the first the guys ask me( second actually, the first thing they want to know is previous affairs) is whether I am willing to work or not. Like we are there to sign a business deal, and not to look for lifelong commitment and togetherness.

I might be old school, but this westernisation has really taken the charm out of marriage, like during the old times when you could fondly ask expensive things from your husband and the husband after a long tiring day could easily ask his wife to pick his plate.

 

OP, i think that those issues may be clouding thinking of both you. Going to the marriage counselor will definitely help both of you. There may be things that she is upset about you and that is what is preventing her from sharing the money.
BTW, i commend you for taking the initiative of counseling and trying hard to save the marriage. If she loves you and you love her, then i am sure if there is an urgent need, she will shell out the money. At least, she is not spending the money, she is saving it. Maybe a good idea would be to buy a property in both your names or something where you can both pay the PMI. Just keep an open mind, she is not running away with the money.

Anyway as my DH says that we should always live a life style like we have only one income. I may leave my job next year when i will have the baby.

 

Seriously???? Did we just go back a 100 years?

Women should take up domestic chores? cook ALL the meals? I hope this is a joke......and a bad one at that.

 

Jibberish,
you seem as a very mature and intelligent husband. Your wife no doubt is behaving very selfish when it comes down to the finances. I have seen a lot of marriages when both husband and wife work but none like u where only the man pays. And here we are talking about her own expenses.
In reality, wives do so much for the husband financially for example help with the house payments, children's expenses, personal expenses. Not half but Atleast some household espenses like the grocery, gardener, water expenses. Your wife is sure taking you for a ride. A suggestion:
It is extremely intelligent of you to have taken up marital counseling for she will know that you are at a point of break down. And u don't have a child which will not put this situation in a bias to move on with the marriage no matter if the parents are happy or not. Give a suggestion to her during counseling that she will carry out 100% of the household chores whether she is working or not and then only you will pay for the house expenses. Will she agree to this? I don't know about your situation but do you have house help which leads to not much housework? Just wanted to see what her opinion is of these gender roles.

 

Hi,

Her immaturity is mainly cos she is the only child.. All these days she must be brought up in such a way that she is given all preference.. It will take time for her to understand what is all about sharing... Even in families where there r 2 kids, 2nd one will be expecting to give more preference.. Only as time goes one will understand the enjoyment of sharing.. I think u can explain her about this enjoyment of sharing.. May be u can ask ur sis to give something to her so that she can understand...

With regards to money, as long as she doesnt spend on useless stuffs i think its ok.. Also I believe u ve full rights to stop her from getting something if u feel is unnecessary..

Explain her that marriage is all about adjusting and enjoying... If u r really tired of it, get someone who can explain..

 

The point is not money. The point is how adamant and stubborn she is in not wanting to maker her life partner comfortable in knowing she will be there in your bad times. It seems from her behavior that she is with you today as she is getting all her needs fulfilled, if God forbid you are not able to provide for her mentally, physically or financially, she is immature enuf to pack her bags and leave. That may not be the case but it's my opinion and I may be wrong.

 

I didn't read anywhere that OP is in dire situation because of money and needs money immediately. Did i miss it ?

 

When am I saying that the OP is in dire need of money. All I am saying is that in the future if he needs financial support, is his wife giving him enough comfort by her actions that she will be there for him.

 

1)Create confidence in her that you will buy her all discretionary items like clothing purses ,home decor etc with much objection.
2)never stop her from gifting her family members with her own money
3)you have to talk to her and make it clear whatever you guys earn is family income
4)But do decide rules for her monthly allowance .Working woman are very insecure with their money as they feel husband will make them a doormat w/o money.
5)do not go after her salary account too much or pre marital investment as then she will be more resistant
6)Indian women are raised in families when man pays for everything.
7)i won my wife over 2.5 years, so be patient first love then money .But now we have complete transparency.I pay all the bills.She shares only 80% of her salary which we invest but i know everything.I have never stopped her from buying anything from our combined family funds expect one time when she got jealous of her sister's diamond mangalsutra worth a lakh.