A very Peculiar and Worrying Situation

OP, I think there is more going on with her then what you are stating here. I understand the insecurity that she feels based on her mother's experience but looks like your behavior may have enhanced her insecurities instead of eliminating it. So please look into your behavior.

On her reason for marrying you, She was honest. Most arrange marriage happen because family is impressed with the groom and his family. What did you expect her to say - "Oh it was love at first sight", "You are so charming etc" when she hardly knew you.

If you wanted to spend more time with her before marriage, you could have gone more as you were going to spend your entire life with her. Keeping tabs on how many times she came, how much time she pays etc is too childish on your part. Grow up. That is not marriage. You guys are behaving like roommates.

Just for moment think read your post and assume that your BIL wrote the post with respect to your sister. You would soon realize how silly the post is.

I have an arranged marriage, my DH left to US the day after the engagement. I had just completed my engineering and wasn't sure about marriage. My family liked the family and the groom and all said yes and that is how it was done. He was the only person i had met for perspective match. Then he came for marriage after 6 months and we got married and then we were in US. We must have hardly met 2-3 times alone between engagement and marriage. But over the years we started to love each other and things have worked out. Even my salary and his bonus goes into my account. He pays all the household expenses from his salary. Hardly any of his salary goes to our savings. I wanted a separate account and he had no objections. In fact, my DH wants to make sure that our expenses don't go out of hand and if we ever have to survive on one income, we should be able to do so.

So don't sweat over such tiny issues and try to understand her. There is no harm in pampering your wife. Fall in love with her. Over the years, once she feels secured, she will open up. The more you question her about money and make it a big issue, the more insecure she will feel and the more she will go in the shell.

Marriage is a great undertaking and it requires a lot of understanding and responsibilities. Most of the time, each others wishes may not happen, let it go. Marriage is giving not about getting.

One thing, please make sure that you don't bring a child unless your issues are sorted out.

 

all i can tell is ur wife sounds like a spoiled little brat, and immature for her age..

she lacks common sense on what is right and wrong, and has no idea of how to build a new relation ship...

if u want to fix ur wife... u need to do this...

1. bring the man inside u... toughen up.. no more mr.nice guy... if she wants to buy stuff ask her to buy on her own...

2. no more chocolates or gifts for her.. tell her u will not gift her out of force any more.. if she acts like a nice girl and behaves properly she can expect gifts and love..,. else u r done pleasing her and giving into her tantrums...

3. tell her plain and simple her salary and urs will be combined into one account going forward and u will use both to support u guys... no more ur money and my money.. if that is the case why the hell did u marry... u wanted a room mate? no, right...
tell her if she has a problem with that u will not buy her anything any more... she can do with her money wat ever she wants...

u dont have a adult as wife.. u have a temper tantrum kid at ur hand... if u do not rectify this behavior now.. it will be too late for u... so get to work now.. all the best...

 

so even though she called you bad names before marriage you decided to go forward with the marriage. Why is that? Is there some compelling reason which you and she know and we dont? It would certainly explain her ensuing behaviour.

I disagree your wife is immature. She is very smart. Again I would not get fixated on sharing expenses and trying to force her to agree by doing this or that. All these attempts to reason with her have and can backfire on you. To put it bluntly she can even twist your attempts into a dowry harassment issue. Just take a deep breath and step back. Dont keep blundering deeper into the mess. Throw up your hands and state that it is impossible to continue living with her. Be firm on this. In the ensuing discussions all including the expenses issue will get sorted out clearly. Try to be as above board in your dealings as possible. Your actions should not be ambiguous. They should hold up to any external scrutiny.

 

Akansksha

The expectation for any woman or man when they get married is that they at least act like the adults that they are. It's not like the OP's wife is a child bride or anything! Pampering the wife is all good, but not the the extent that the wife thinks of it as a husband's duty to pamper her, as it appears to in the OP's case. I can at least understand if the wife said something like her money was being saved up or something like that. She really just seems like an extremely spoiled brat who think the privilege of her care has just passed from her dad to her husband now.

Marriage is all about giving, but it's really not fair that all the giving always happens from one side with the other side always getting. We'd not think for an instant if this was being posted by a woman to call the husband irresponsible and immature. Why do women need the extra attention?

OP, as someone else suggested, without involving the parents take her somewhere and have a frank discussion. Ask her exactly what her expectations are of the marriage, lay down your own expectations and tell her that you're trying to find some common ground. And don't look at the entire finance thing as mine v. hers... instead talk to her in terms of us. Tell her of your financial aspirations, tell her you need her support to achieve these. There is really no need to take on an aggressive stand to try and show who the man is and all that. Talk to her in a calm manner. Tell her you wanted to have a chance to talk all this out without any unbiased opinions from either of your family members and you would really like to lead a happy life.

 

I don't think you need to be extravagant. But again choice of words are important. "My Savings". If you are communicating with her in terms or yours and mine, it will remain the same forever. Don't push her for spending money. Just think of it as a rainy day fund. The more you push the more insecure she gets. Again, i am not trying to defend her. Just trying to suggest some ways of peace here. I don't accept the immaturity or the smartness part here. Just feel there is some underlying issue or concern she may have. Maybe she is not even sure that this marriage is going to work and hence may be creating her own safety net. The insecurity may also be due to frequent fights that you guys may be having. So both of you need to accept each other and love each other. If not, it is better to separate.

This is all water under the bridge. You need to forget it and also tell her the same. Just don't prolong the arguments. If you bring up one, she will bring up another and there may not be any end to it.

I am happy that you react the same with your sister/mother. Do you keep tabs on how much your sister spends vs you spend when you go both out?

Really not sure what you want. If she gives her money everything will be resolved? Is that the only issue you guys have? What if she loses her job tomorrow or doesn't feel like working?

All i will say is lessen the fights. Forget about this money issue for a while. Bring in love. Try to understand what is worrying her.

 

Your situation is definitely a peculiar one.....try to talk to her and explain what you are feeling and tell her that its difficult to continue like this if she is not ready to change her behaviour.