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A Tricky Situation About Wedding

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by thegirlygirl, May 2, 2021.

  1. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I need your insight and perspective on the situation below

    Girl x aged 34 migrated to a 'foreign' country last year on a permanent residency during the pandemic. She met boy Y there aged 34 through a matrimonial website who is also settled in the same country on permanent residency. The two met a couple of times and decided they can enter a marital relationship with each other.

    Girl returned to her country ( in Africa) after spending 1.5 months getting her permanent residence there, since this was in the middle of the pandemic and her parents needed her too with them.
    She thought of returning to the new country within an year.
    The two kept chatting with each other since they had liked each other and had already given their word to one another.

    After two months the boy's mother ( boy's family is in India) gives a call to the girl and asks to talk with her mother regarding marriage. The girl's mother says that since there is a pandemic and it is difficult for everyone to travel hence all cannot come together to discuss marriage, and they cannot agree to marry their daughter without meeting them and especially without meeting the boy in person.
    Boy's mother bluntly says that she needs to know the answer right away since she cannot waste time and needs to start looking for other girls otherwise.

    The boy and the girl continue to talk and he also tells her that he will ask his mother to not look for other girls. Girl and girl's mother are anyway ok with either case since they are not desperate for the girls marriage and would patiently wait for everything to fall in place.

    The boy's mother gets restless meanwhile and one day calls the girl and ask her her answer to which the girl obviously says yes. The mother is overjoyed to hear this and seals the deal as done, then starts talking about marriage halls, mangalsutra etc.

    The girls parents also decide to accept this decision and agree with the boy's family's suggestion of having all the discussions on video chatting, thought they feel in their heart that their opinion was skipped.

    This is what is decided

    Since the boy will be getting his annual leave in June, the wedding will be held in India according to his leave dates
    The girl together with her parents will travel to India (amidst the pandemic) and will host a two day wedding in their city in India. The boy's family will come from their city, a total of 50 people and their stay and the whole wedding cost only to be bore by the girls family.
    Note that they gradually started hinting the girl's family to have all the prewedding rituals done according to their beliefs. The two belong to different subcastes.
    So basically the girl's family paying for everything which is going to be done in the boy's style. They would only be nodding their heads

    Now the current situation.

    Flights to India from the girls country as well as from the boy's country( the country where the boy currently is) are banned and none can travel to India for the wedding to happen.

    The girl's family suggests that since there are no restrictions between their country and the boy's current country then he can come to their country on his own( there is no quarantine rule) they can marry them and the two can leave together for the new country.

    The boy says he is not interested in this since his parents cannot come to the wedding and his brother and SIL will not get leave. Note that the girl's brother and SIL were anyway not going to be able to attend the wedding since they are also in a different country from where he cannot travel moreover the wedding was scheduled according to the groom's leave not any other person's.

    The boy's suggestion is that the girl should travel to his place on her own since she is now also a permanent resident there now and anyway moving there, and they can have their marriage registered there or have a live in relationship.

    Now the question
    Should the girl's family agree to this? When they were ready to bend over backwards and do everything to have the two married in India, is it not reasonable that now seeing the current situation the boy should travel to the girls country for the wedding?
    His reasoning is perhaps, if his parents are not going to be there then why should the girls family be involved? Isn't this selfish of him?
    Should a girl not expect that a guy at least comes to her place to her marry her as it has always happened traditionally? They don't expect him to pay for any cost of the wedding.
    The guy does not want to move out of his comfort zone( and perhaps spend on flight expense) and take a flight to marry his fiance. Is it even worth marrying such a man? A man who doesn't even care to give his wife a wedding

    Please throw in your views
     
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  2. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't think that the girl should be agree with everything they say. She should put some conditions of her comfort too. A relationship should be made where both parties are equally interested and participate as per each other's interests.

    If one party will only follow the instructions given by another party then they will lose their sanity and will never get the proper respect in future.
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  3. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply.
    Should the girl agree to go there alone and marry him on her own or should she hold her ground and insist on him coming to her country to marry her?
    A bit of the background.
    Since it is an arranged marriage there was no proposal, no wooing, no flowers no nothing.
    The girl simply said yes on the second meeting and the boy also said yes.
    The boy's family was/is also not going to host any reception, any pooja to welcome the couple. No honeymoon planned either
    So nothing at all to make the girl feel special from the boy or the boy's side.
    Only the girl's parents were doing everything to make their darling daughter feel like a princess on her special day. Now the boy is not allowing even this to happen, and all he has to do is land at the wedding venue
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2021
  4. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    I feel, the boy and the parents of the boy are acting just as per typical of Indian society norms.
    As much as on internet we see feminism and gender equality... In reality, it will take aanother era in india for this to be a common norm.

    Coming to present situation, how do you think the boy will agree to get married without presence of his parents ? It's not selfish from his view. It's not a love marriage and as you said there is no desparation to get married from girls side either.

    So why not wait? The girls family can wait and the boy can talk to his parents and find a middle way of conducting marriage once situation in India settles.

    I don't think the girl should accept for live in relationship But if she thinks the boy is good otherwise and cares for her feelings and gives value to her opinions then she should wait and then get married.
    If the boy is sincere and values her, he will comvince his parents and he will find a middle way.

    If totally both side parties are opposite and not willing to find a common middle ground, then better to scrap this wedding permanently.
     
  5. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    From your words it's seem that boys side is more stubborn. It's difficult to adjust always with such kind. The girl should tell them her points and if they don't agree to any of those then she should think more about it rather getting agreed to whatever they want.
     
    thegirlygirl likes this.
  6. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you for your detailed reply.

    So you are of the opinion that it is not selfish of him to disagree to fly down to the girl's and have the wedding done without his parents?
    I was thinking that rather than having the wedding without parents or relatives of either party it would be better that at least the girl's parents are there and conduct the wedding.
    Having a wedding on their own in a new country is also going to be very difficult.
    Is the girl being selfish by expecting him to come to her place?

    No offence, I am just sincerely looking for people's opinions.
     
  7. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Just asking:
    Would the girl be fine if all the boys relatives and his parents attend and just her parents left out for genuine reasons?
     
    Rihana likes this.
  8. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

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    Too quick to decide on marriage with this guy, that’s my feelings. Ask them to postpone the marriage for a period of 6 months and get to know the guy better. In this age also the guy’s family wants the girls family to pay the costs of their own family members and relatives accomodation. From what you told the girls family just comprise of her and her parents and maybe siblings at the most 10 people or even less maybe. They are spending money to fly over, spend for the marital expenses and the boys family cannot atleast pay for their own relatives accomodation expenses? Please don’t jump too quickly into marriage without being sure of the guy or his parents. It’s a long term commitment and seems a bit rushed here. Good luck.
     
    thegirlygirl likes this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My perspective on reading the description of the situation:

    A man and a woman aged 34 years got in touch through a matrimonial website, met in person and decided they are compatible enough to get married. As they kept chatting, their decision got more confirmed. They didn't come across any issues to indicate they are not a good match for each other.

    The above can be put as: "even with a pandemic on, and even after the girl has met and chatted with the boy for months, the girl's mother bluntly said they cannot marry their daughter off without meeting the boy and his family in person. "

    In my reading, after the girl has said yes to the boy, and the boy's side presumably stopped looking for other girls, the girl's mother is coming up with (new) conditions for the marriage to take place. Conditions that can be tough to meet given the pandemic and multiple countries involved.

    This can be put as: "the boy's mother frankly said she needs to know the answer right away..." Remove the word bluntly. Or use it for the conditions put forward by both the mothers.

    What does "patiently wait for everything to fall in place" mean? It is not about being desperate or not. It is about not stringing along the other party when the two are in their mid-30s and a pandemic is on.

    This. When the girl and her mother are not desperate for the girl's marriage, why does the girl "obviously say yes"? Why? Why does the girl agree to this important decision against her will?

    Why are the girl and her family feeling so martyred? The boy's mother started the wedding planning after the girl said yes. My guess: the girl did not want to say No. The girl wanted to keep the boy as an option while waiting for "things to fall in place"

    The girl's side has the option to bluntly or tactfully get their preferences also honored. Such negotiations are a part of wedding discussions. Usually experienced people from each side take part in the discussions.

    People will hint to their heart's content. It is up to the girl's family to arrange the wedding like they want it to. This rituals clash happens in many weddings. Either both styles of rituals are done or some compromise is reached.

    Just like the girl's family suggested the above boy-come-alone idea, the boy's family made the suggestions they have made so far (their pre-wedding rituals etc).

    Did he actually suggest a live-in relationship as an option? After all this wedding discussions and planning, he suggested they live together without registering a marriage? Given that his mother is so heavily involved in the planning, the live-in suggestion sounds very odd.

    Should the girl's family get brownie points for agreeing to the India wedding that finally didn't happen? No. Life does not operate like that. We don't get credit for events that don't happen or accommodations that we end up not making.

    Seriously? From the start, he has asked for his parents and brother/SIL to be present in the wedding. From that to none of his family at the wedding -- why would he agree to that? Why ask him to do that? It is a very sorry picture when either the bride or the groom has zero family present in the wedding while the other has all friends and family there.

    Should a guy marry a girl who is forcing him to get married with none of his family in the wedding? And more practically, is such a wedding a wise start to married life?

    The pandemic has altered people's lives in unimaginable ways. If the girl likes the boy, if other than these wedding disagreements there are no other major issues, the most practical thing to do would be that they register their marriage and get started with married life in the country of permanent residency. As and when possible, in a year or so, the parents can throw lavish receptions in their individual cities. Yes, the girl and her parents will miss out on a dream wedding, but such is life.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2021
    vrikshakadali and Agathinai like this.
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Girl saying yes without parents consent but yet want parents to foot the cost of wedding isn’t good . If you are independent enough to make the decision then don’t drag parents and ask them to pay money . If anything this whole setup will end up with lots of resentment. If I were in girl’s shoe I will cancel the impending marriage and move forward with my life and stay put with parents till pandemic ends . It is very clear both the families are not compatible. Why start the marriage in wrong foot ?
     

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