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A sensitive issue

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by ansh12, Mar 1, 2008.

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  1. Sep 1, 2009 #31
    drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    hmmm something to ponder about:|
     
    drjp, Sep 1, 2009
    drjp, Sep 1, 2009
    #31
  2. Sep 1, 2009 #32
    chitmin

    chitmin Gold IL'ite

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    Rahul, what you say makes sense at a theoretical level--however in a closed society such as ours, where a divorced woman is often held to different standards, bringing a boyfriend into the mix might just complicate matters further--especially since society often tends to view the divorcee as "easy" and "available"--the presence of a boyfriend (even if it is perfectly above board) might be taken as fodder for further character assassination. It might prove to be counter productive since what the lady essentially needs after the dissolution is a life of peace...
     
    chitmin, Sep 1, 2009
    chitmin, Sep 1, 2009
    #32
  3. Sep 1, 2009 #33
    BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I used to wonder even when growing up why the widowed women we knew never remarried. Have a cousin, an aunt and a neighbour who lost their spouses in their 30s. Also know of quite a few women who were physically and/or verbally abused by their spouses but they stuck around. I cannot imagine what they put their kids through. I think it was primarily because they were financially dependant and social/family pressure. Have seen these cases both in love and arranged marriages.

    No one will give the rights. It becomes very critical for women to be financially independant in such cases to redefine their destiny.
     
    BeeAmma, Sep 1, 2009
    BeeAmma, Sep 1, 2009
    #33
  4. Sep 1, 2009 #34
    ansh12

    ansh12 Bronze IL'ite

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    BeeAmma

    You are very right. A woman should be taught to be self reliant. Even if she chooses not to work, she should equip herself well to take up a job if need arises.

    Regarding companionship, I think, I would be a hypocrite to say that one doesn't feel the need of a companion. Everyone does. I think everyone wants to be appreciated, loved, consoled in crisis and needs a shoulder to lean on irrespective of the genders.

    People like us are so shattered from the experiences of past marriage that they are not in a position to trust anyone and refrain from taking a plunge. Inspite of the battered soul, i think we also would love to have a companion who would be compassionate. But the trouble is who would like to go from frying pan to fire again?
    Those widowed might be finding hard to overcome the sweet memories.

    As Rahul pointed out having a friend would be a better proposition, but again, it is not a practically possible arrangement in our country, as another IL pointed out. Once physical relations enter the scene, expectations rise(at least , this is true for women) and no strings attached relationship gives rise to insecurity. A person like me would never enter a relationship in which commitement is not there, whether it is marriage or live-in.

    I have seen that marriage essentially doesn't bring in committement. Many people both male and female stay in it out of fear. In India, many males stay in marriage because of fear of 498A and many women stay becuase of society. Can a relation thrive in fear?

    A beautiful relation is one in which there is mutual respect, trust and enough space for each other to grow. Do we have such marriages in our country??????????

    Regards
    Ansh
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    ansh12, Sep 1, 2009
    ansh12, Sep 1, 2009
    #34
  5. Sep 1, 2009 #35
    drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    Ansh,
    Such marriages do exist but extremely rare in any country, more so in India.
    You hit the nail on head with your point on fear of commitment, very true. It is next to impossible to trust anyone after going through a bad relationship.

    Irony of our society (as mentioned in another thread) is that staying married has higher value than living happy.

    That said, I agree with Rahul. I do not see any reason for another marriage, may be a committed relationship. Adding marriage further complicates issues with kids, especially if we have joint custody. As a matter of fact, I do not think I will ever consider marriage again.

    I know next time around before starting any relationship I will have my emotional ground completely covered:)) :)) Cannot afford another roller coaster!!

    We all know, the day we decided to walk out of a marriage we set our threshold of societies involvement in our life.
    drjp
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2009
    drjp, Sep 1, 2009
    drjp, Sep 1, 2009
    #35
  6. Sep 1, 2009 #36
    ShardaSuresh

    ShardaSuresh Bronze IL'ite

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    I like the way this thread is progressing. One of the few threads in IL that has a serious discussion on the issues faced by single woman.

    I have been thinking a lot about Rahul has said. My first reaction was, its OK in the US to have a male companion but in India this is not practical. Then I asked myself, if I were in US and was a single mom, would I take in a male companion. Unfortunately, every time I asked myself that question, I got a different answer.

    One solution I have is this:

    This is my opinion and I am not passing a judgment on anyone. I think single woman should lead a normal life and allocate themselves some time to have fun. They should go out with male friends. In the process if they find a man that they are compatible with, they should consider marriage. However, I don't think a single mom should look for a dad for the kids. If she is lucky the single mom might find a man who loves her kids. But in most cases I think Men will be apathetic to the kids. So the single mom has to be sole financial and emotional support for the kids.

    The other solution is:
    Since we are from a society where arranged marriages are the norm. It is ok to look for a man from matrimonial sites. Here a single mom has to pick a guy who will be a decent husband. Again, I dont think she should look for a good father.

    I think there is some truth in what Rahul says about making second marriage complicating things for the kids. It would be ideal if the kids and the spouse were good friends. But, it is absolutely necessary for the kids to know that their mom will still be their mom and no man can take her away.

    Sorry for the long post - but I feel so strongly that women will walk out of bad marriages, only if the society gives them the assurance that there is happiness after divorce
     
    ShardaSuresh, Sep 1, 2009
    ShardaSuresh, Sep 1, 2009
    #36
  7. Sep 1, 2009 #37
    drjp

    drjp Senior IL'ite

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    SharadaSuresh,
    Totally agree with you on the point that second time around, one should look for a partner not a parent for their kids. Guess, these points are quite relevant for single men too.

    :thumbsup:thumbsup
     
    drjp, Sep 1, 2009
    drjp, Sep 1, 2009
    #37
  8. Oct 8, 2009 #38
    tetania

    tetania New IL'ite

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    Hi Ansh
    I am a silent reader of your posts
    I am a single parent
    Eventhough I have a lot of girlfriends to mix and go out with I still miss sharing my thoughts and problems with a male friend.
    I guess its the loneliness that catches up once in awhile
    I am happy with my new found independence cos I learnt to do things for myself..I don't think I have to marry again to feel complete cos I have been there and done it..
    What scares me the most is to answer to another person for my actions.
    I am glad to know that there a lot of people who are also in a similar position and are managing their lives well.
    Thanks Ansh for the post
    tetania:)
     
    tetania, Oct 8, 2009
    tetania, Oct 8, 2009
    #38
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