A quick guide to Parents-in-law (Groom's parents)

[JUSTIFY]Dear ILs,

From my personal experience and from experienced shared by others, I am trying to share few basic things to be kept in mind by Parents-in-law, Groom and Bride.

This article I wrote for blog some months back. Will be publishing it in a series of threads covering each topic.

Starting with Parents-in-law[/JUSTIFY]

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Marriage is an important turning point not only in the couple's life but also the life of the people closely related to them.


People who have grown up so many years in two different environments comes together to start a life. Both will have difference in their thoughts and actions.


No one can change themselves 100% to suit the new environments. It is not fair to expect it to happen from one person. Adjustment should happen between husband and wife, DIL and her in-laws, son and his parents / siblings equally.


Like how we prepare ourselves to face an exam or an interview, the same way, the bride, the groom and the in-laws should prepare themselves a little for the new role they are going to play and on the new responsibility they need to take.

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For the boy’s parents :-

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• You want your son to get married. That means your involvement in arranging and conducting the marriage no less to the Girl’s parents. So be matured enough to come forward to share the responsibilities.

• Co-ordinated effort (not intervention) will make the event a great success. Thus make it even more memorable not only for you but also for many viz., your son, your DIL, your DIL’s Parents, relatives of both sides. If no one has done it in your family, you become the role model and bring in the change.

• While you talk about fixing the marriage be clear on what your expectation is. You and the girls parents if talk & plan together, unnecessary spending can be curtailed. If girl’s parents insist on spending then make them understand if that money is of better use then let them make an Fixed Deposit in the name of their daughter which will help her in long way.

• When you mention “do as per your capacity. We have no demands” let that word come from your heart. Never find faults and complain later. Instead be responsible matured parent and lend your support to the girl’s parents to avoid any faults or just accept things as they are because it your son’s marriage. You want to make it pleasant right?

• Two families are going to come together that means both side relatives are also coming together. Earning a relation is not an easy job. Hence ignore small mistakes and learn to live with a smile.

• The girl who is going to marry your son is also going to be part of your family hence a ‘family member’. Never treat and never ever think her as an outsider in any situation.

• Girl is born and brought up in a different environment. Every girl for a marriage may not be perfect as married life is going to be a first & important experience in her life. Marriage for her is like uprooting a grown up tree to a new place which may require lot of time for the tree to settle in the new place. Understand that and make her feel comfortable by giving her a friendly & homely environment. Forget your egos as it will lead you to nowhere near peace in the family.

• Consider the bride as your daughter and not ‘like’ your daughter. Both term has a huge gap in meaning. Never allow that gap come in the relationship. You are already parents to a child / children hence showing parental affection, love and responsibility towards a new married girl coming to your home is not a new thing for you.

• At the same understand that for her it is not going to be an easy task to consider you as her parents unless you show her the true parental love towards her.

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[JUSTIFY]"RESPECT AND LOVE should be reciprocated"

• Give respect and take respect should be realized in right manner. Giving respect doesn’t mean one should respect you for your age. But it means respect you for your wonderful thoughts, words and actions. It means “Respect you for the person in you and not for your age”.

• No one likes to be commanded. So win your place in her heart with your love and not with your command. You are elders but show that elderliness in your matured responsible thoughts, words and actions.

• You have also passed that newly-wed experience in your life. The chemistry between you and your spouse might have been different but you must learn to adjust with the change of time. Hence never interfere in your son’s life.

• You may have a daughter who might have come with her husband to stay with you. Never let your son & DIL’s privacy go off while you try to make your daughter & son-in-law feel have their privacy at your home. Like your daughter and son-in-law, your son and DIL also shares the same relationship between them. If this simple thing is understood & practiced major problems will not arise.

• Never interfere in any fights between your son and DIL unless you are matured enough to handle them unbiased. If you feel that your DIL has no right to talk like that with your son that only means that you are not considering her as a part of the family or as your son’s wife.

• Never fight or argue in front of your son & DIL. If you do so, you only set a bad example to them because married life is a new experience for them.

• If you have any complaints about your DIL never tell that directly to her. Instead talk to your son but definitely not in a complaining mode or tone but as a responsible parent by keeping your cool. But make it clear to him that you want him to handle this diplomatically and not emotionally. After all DIL is your family member and your son’s happiness also depends on her’s.

• Find out the interest of your DIL and suitably reward her (take your son’s help wherever required) which will bring a lovely bond between you both which is very very essential in any relationship.

• Last but not the least, your DIL has equal responsibility on her parents like your son does for you. So never complain when she has to deliver her duties towards her parents. Give your full support.

• You be an example to your Son and Daughter-in-law so that he / she will become a good mother / father not only to their child / children but also for the future son-in-law(s) / daughter –in-law(s)

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Respect and love should be earned. Can never be taken by force. So carry yourself well.


Wish you a lovely enjoyable Parents-in-lawhood


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Next thread on "Guide to Girl's Parents" .......

 

ShilpaMa - thanks for dropping in

Navyar - yeah I too felt that way while I wrote this for the blog, but then edited it. As I said these points are collected through experiences ..... the feedback I received showed that when in-laws directly went & crticised (general tendency) / pointed out (as you said tone & body language are important) to a DIL resulted in unnecessary arguments.

Initial period when ILs are not closer to a newly married woman, i feel if it comes in the right sense from her partner in a gentle way will surely help her improve her or give her a chance to say why she acted /spoke that way. (I have included certain points related to this in my article for the Groom and the Bride) . When she gets rooted well in the family then i hope there will not be much need for a mediator there. (As hardly few PIL know to speak it in the right way). This basic & quick guide is for the preparation.

If PIL & DIL relationship is good then hope there will not be any problem in pointing out things instead bringing a mediator.

Thanks for your response.