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A new problem in my married life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by diana, Jan 19, 2008.

  1. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hats off to you Diana. You really have given all of this such an honest try. I have to believe that God is watching your efforts and he will not let it go waste. So don’t lose hope.

    In the meantime, let’s see what else we can do.

    Two things that I can think of right now –
    • 1. Start leading by example.
    I know this one is very tough and is going to take a lot from you. When we are sad in our heart it is tough to portray a happy and enthusiastic demeanor. But try to do it because there seems no other way out.
    Try to be as happy and positive as possible. Brighten the environment at home and around your hubby by showing enthusiasm, zest for life, a die-hard positive outlook and excitement for all things good in life. Immerse yourself in things that make you feel all of the above. And include him to the extent he is willing to be included. Like, talk to him about exciting things you are doing, how you enjoyed something so much and how you think he would’ve enjoyed it too. Don’t push it on him but keep exposing him to the good things in life.
    May be one day this will result in him feeling that there are good things in life to be enjoyed. Even if he continues to be like he is today, at least you will not have spent your precious years in a sad state of mind for really no fault of yours. We only get to live life once so it not worth living half-heartedly.
    • 2. Try treating him more like a good friend than a husband.
    This one is not easy either. In this context, a friend would be someone whose company you enjoy, someone you need by your side, but when it comes to emotional support you do not lean on him. You fend for yourself.
    Generally from husbands we expect a lot of emotional support, we expect them to step in and make us feel good at times. But from friends our expectations are much lower compared to the ones we have from our husband.
    For now show him all your positives but when you feel down take support from other quarters like - exhaust yourself doing something you like, talk to your sister, open up to a close friend, chat with your parents. You don’t necessarily have to share your grievances with these people but sometimes just talking to someone makes you feel good. Find out your ways of finding a vent for your disappointments in this area.
    Again, this may or may not change your hubby, but it will surely change your happiness quotient dramatically because you will become so self reliant that his uninvolvement at this deep emotional level will not matter much. You will start enjoying his company for what he brings to the table. You might even gain a good friend in the process.

    I have a close friend and this is her way of dealing with a not-so-involved hubby. She is an extremely successful person in various spheres of life. At the age of 34 she is a Vice President in a big company, an accomplished writer, an accomplished dancer, health freak and a great mother. And she has made her 12+ years of marriage successful too by adopting this thinking.

    I guess we have to keep finding different ways until we reach our goal. I sincerely hope that some of the above helps you.

    Keep us posted on your progress. I will be looking forward to hearing from you..
    SS
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2008
  2. imemyself

    imemyself Senior IL'ite

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    Hi SS,
    :hatsoff of to u from my side too for ur detailed reply!
    wow! ur such a trouble-shooter!! :)

    I am very sure that from ur advice Diana is definitley going to feel more confident and positive about her future!That is a future of happiness with her hubby and kids!

    Hey Diana,
    :hatsoff of to u too dear for being such a wonderful person.I doubt if i would have shown this much patience!!I am learning from you!!!
    Definitely , if u try out wht SS mentioned...it will help u have the happy life u want!
    I am happy to be a part of IL , it has given me a chance to meet such wonderful women!! :)

    Luv,
    Jaya
     
  3. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you Jaya. Frankly, I think you are being very generous with your praise :).

    You all have suggested such great ways. This is just one among that. I liked your suggestion about going to bed with good thoughts and dreaming nice thoughts so much. I think it is very true.
    SS
     
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    I am also a big fan of SS...:hatsoff:hatsoff:hatsoff She has and is still helping me a lot in sorting the problems in my married life.
    An ode to SS !!!!


    Kavya.
     
  5. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot Kavya! You are way too magnanimous in showering praise on me!

    It is really heartening to see that you friends are so generous in your acceptance and praise for my suggestions.

    I am speechless.. Thanks my friends. It means a lot to me..
    SS
     
  6. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SS,

    Thanks again dear for all your valuable effort. I don’t want to disappoint you but I will give u an account of what happened yest.

    Yest was our weekend. My sis n her fly arranged a picnic for her n my fly. But as usual my hubby didn’t come. I took kids and went, as most weekends of ours is usually spent at home. We had lot fun, kids played, and we had barbeque and many games. When we came home kids gave account of all that happened to their dad and then my elder son said, ‘dada if you would come we would enjoy more, y u didn’t come?? You never come with us anywhere?’ and for that my hubby said ‘next time we’ll see’ and then said to me ‘you have started teaching this, also for kids’ I was really shocked. ‘I said kids are growing and they understand everything. No need for me to teach.’ He then went in and slept. Such a person is he.

    When I had mentioned earlier, that inspite of knowing that his ex ditched him and that he didn’t want to marry me, still I showered him with love. What I meant was I never ever tried to show him that his behavior was hurting me. Instead I kept my cool, searched for happiness elsewhere whether it was my job, kids, in-laws or friends. I felt if I would be happy and jolly, and wont crib, he will also change and start taking life positively. And leave the past behind.

    But instead I made him feel that it was ok if he was by himself and his bad attitude towards me was ok, because I am happy and it doesn’t bother me….Am I right???

    Diana
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Diana,

    I totally know what you are feeling. The feeling of hollowness and empty relation can eat a person more than poverity and scarcity. But there is always two sides of a coin.

    How about If i tell you, there is nothing wrong to fix in your situation. If your patience and acceptance hasnot changed him in eight years. Chances are it would not change him in next eight years also. I am sure during these eight years your own perception of relation has changed dramatically. Only thing needs to be done is accept the reality as is. And let the reality around you also feel the void.

    Most wrong thing to assume in marriage relationship is a assumption that somebody will change. No adult person changes unless he needs to. So that need is never felt by him. He has safely built a cocoon around him, where he wants to wallow in his failures. Best thing you can do to help yourself in such scenario is, build a reliable network of friends around you which help you fill the gap. Have some close female friends with whom you socialise periodically. Your sister should be excellent cushion to draw extra support from. Stop asking or requesting him to do anything for you.. Make him totally replacable in your life. And let him feel the pinch too. Dont try to burry your sadness in fake smile. Express your hollowness to him, whenever he expects you to act normal. Let him know life is round circle. whatever goes around comes around.
    For once have a family discussion on , why papa doesnot socialise with the family. Let kids and your husband talk it out to each other. You just be present and mention, you want this doubt to clear forever that you are not teaching them anything ..they are feeling the void themselves.

    And more you will try, more he will act defensively. Leave him in his solitude to wallow. People have different ways to come out of their failure. some just refuse to come out of it. I know what I am telling is like saying..there is nothing you can do.
    But once we accept reality completely , only then the next phase of life comes. You seems to be struggling to accept it as is. So you are not able to go next level of relation.

    The moment your complete acceptance gets conveyed to your husband. His constant need to withdraw from you will disappear. Men are like that. More you go after them, more they run away... Just ignore them totally and they start chasing you back.
    Dont confuse accepting reality as "acting good and cheerful" . Let the hurt in you be explicitly visible to your husband. In stead of fight of words, it should be in terms of blankness in reaction. You dont have to act anything for it. You already have it inside you. You are just trying to cover it up all the time in front of him. Just remove that covering. let the fakeness go away. I am not promising he will change, but you will realise extra burden of acting good was so heavy on you. Being yourself is so relieving.

    Best Wishes
    ria
     
  8. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    I totally agree with Ria.

    You have to build your own strong network. This goes back to option 2 in my last reply (treat him more like a friend). Lower your expectations from him and lead a happy life. Fill the void he leaves with other things or relationships (sister, good friends, parents, kids).

    Ria has mentioned an important point - show your hollowness to him. Very good suggestion Ria. Don’t paint a rosy picture in front of him when it is not true. When you are disappointed about something don’t hide it. Show it and move on. Don’t let it get to you though. Continue to keep yourself happy.

    I also think that you should have an open talk with him and tell him clearly that he is totally unresonable in blaming you from both sides. On one hand he detests you for being happy saying you don’t care about his involvement. On the other hand when you ask him for involvement he refuses and asks you to let him be himself.

    Just for your sake, you should have a talk with him and tell him that it does hurt you immensely that he shrugs you off, but yet you keep a happy disposition because you are a responsible and sensible mother, wife and person. He needs to hear it. Just tell him in short so he does not keep playing this double-sided blaming game. He may still keep saying it but you have done your part in trying to answer his doubts whether he reasons with himself or not is not your worry after that.

    Go ahead and chart your own life. Don’t hinge all our happiness on this man who is not interested right now. Even if he does not change, at least you would have gained a lot in the process.

    You owe yourself a good life. Relying only on ourselves is very very tough but that is the only guaranteed person you can rely on in life. At least we should not disappoint ourselves.

    Wish you the very best. Do reply back with your ideas/doubts. Hopefully we can help you to get through this..

    SS
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2008
  9. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks Ria & SS for all your help. Really I am very grateful for coming across this website, where one can open out their hearts and no one knows you personally, which is not possible at times with family, relatives or even friends. You can't let out everything to them and always have try to pretend that nothing is wrong in one's life.

    As you have said I guess its better I try to live my own life to the fullest, without any expectation from him. Sometimes being positive erases the negative side of life. So i guess I have to see what positive things i have got in this marriage and seek happiness in that.

    Actually, I had been doing this also for sometime, like accepting my life as it is. Then this new person coming in the picture and his interest in me, diverted my mind. Like I said, I have no interest in him at all, but wanted to let my hubby know that this guy was interested only to wake him up from the life he has been living. Anyway I also felt that telling him was not a good thing, it would only make him move more away from me. My kids are my joy and my main aim will be to see that they get a good and happy environment to live in, which i guess I will have to give them myself.

    I will surely have a family talk once with kids and him, and clear things that is coming to his mind. All this while I have been feeling that there must have been something that I have not done and would like to give it a try, but after reading all that you guys have put in, I realize that most of the things I have given a try. Now its up to him to make changes, if at all he is interested in doing so. I really am feeling a lot releived, as tho a burden has been lifted from my chest.

    Thanks friends for all the patience you have taken in going through my post and giving me your valuable advices.:hatsoff

    A Relieved & A Happy Diana
     
  10. Malathijagan

    Malathijagan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Diana,
    A short and crisp one from me! As some one has advised,"Give him some time". When I say 'some time' it can be months or years! But believe me- magic does happen if women are patient. Life can start even at 50 what with late marriages being the order of the day! And after all the sufferings endured, the new changed situation can make you fall in love all over again as though you were newly married! Success after turbulence can be real sweet! Believe me!
    With all best wishes,
    Your well wisher
     

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