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A little history and an irish blessing

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by mathangikkumar, Jan 17, 2014.

  1. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
    and ran to the bog.

    There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.


    The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.



    'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

    'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

    'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

    'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

    'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
    Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.


    Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
    What saved his life this time? Penicillin.


    The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill . His son's name?


    Sir Winston Churchill.

    Someone once said: What goes around comes around.


    Work like you don't need the money.


    Love like you've never been hurt.

    Dance like nobody's watching.
    Sing like nobody's listening.

    Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

    It's National Friendship Week Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND.

    Pass this on, and brighten some ones day.

    AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH:


    I hope it works...
    May there always be work for your hands to do;

    May your purse always hold a coin or two;

    May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

    May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

    May the hand of a friend always be near you;
    May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

    and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead.
    ...........................................
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  2. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    Santa Jokes part 2

    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Sardar tells a girl "Come to my house at nite, nobody will be thereGirl goes at night & really nobody was there. ...................................
    A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do u know what the business was? He opened a Saloon in Punjab!...
    ...................................................
    A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!...
    .............................................................
    .
    Sardar: Why are all these people running?Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why others are running?.
    .................................................
    Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater. Again twins & named Max & Climax. Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!..
    ...........................................................
    19 sardars went for a film. On asking them why they came in a b ig group of 19, they replied that the film is only for above 18+................................................................
    A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeralfunction. Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why?He said "SMILE PLEASE"..
    .
    .......................................................
    Teacher:"I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail"..
    .................................................
    Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.......WHY?Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light".
    ..............................................................
    .
    Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote: Yes! .
    ......................................

    Sardar and his family went for a party. He introduces himself - I'm sardar, she sardarnee, the boy my kid & the girl my kidney..

    ..
    ..................................

    One sardarji Professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
    U know why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...
    .....................................................
    Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plantsServant: It's already raining.Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go...................................................
    "Santa! Your daughter has died!"Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor.At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!At 25th floor: I'm unmarried!At 10th floor: I'm Banta not Santa
    ........................................................
    A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was laughing.A bystander: why are u laughing?Sardar: I have an Aitel phone but still Hutch network is following me..
    .
    ..................................................
    Sardar wins 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crore after deducting tax.Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 crore or else return my 20 Rs back.!.
    ......................................................................
    A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricketmatch. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!".
    ......................................................................
    Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.Sardar:- Why did u come so far? Instead u could have posted it.
    ..
    .............................................................
    What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes..
    ...........................................................
    Why can't sardars dial nine-eleven (911) at emergency?Becoz, they can't find the eleven on the phone.
    ..............................................
    A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.Judge asked: How'll you divide, you've 3 children?Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply next year.
    ..........................................................
    Sardar's wish: When i die, i wanna to die like my grandpa who died peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving....
    ...................................................................
    Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!. ...................................
    Sardar was writing something very slowly.Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast....
    ...........................................
    Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a Graveyard in Punjab. Local sardars have so far found 500 ! bodies and are still digging for more.
    ...................................................................
    A man asked Sardarji: Why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning.Sardarji replied: ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''........................................................

    Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital
    Man says: "Chin Yu Yan" and dies.Sardar goes to China to find meaning of friends last words.It is "you're standing on the oxygen tube!....

    ....................................................
    Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay. One is a Mallu, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Sardarji.

    Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together One fine day -- the Mallu opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box.

    He says " I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tomorrow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".

    Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds Fish in it and says " If I find fish in my lunch box tomorrow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die "

    Next the Sardarji opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says " Mother promise, if I find parathas in my box tomorrow I am also going to jump from the 20th floor "

    Next day the three friends meet in the lunch room for lunch. Mallu opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

    The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

    Sardarji opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.

    In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the Mallu's widow says " I did not know he hated idlis so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch "

    The Bengali's widow says " I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch"

    The sardarji's widow says " I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch....!!!



    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



    Ravan had 20 eyes but he sighted only one woman ....you have only 2 eyes but you sight every woman.

    Now who is Ravan????????????????


    Scientists are trying to figure out how long a person can live without
    brain..
    Please tell them your age!!!!!!
    ................................


    Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
    Son: I start cleaning toilet
    Dad: How does that satisfy you?
    Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.


    Munna bhai: agar bina daton ka kuta kate to kya karna chahiye?
    Circuit: simple, bina sui ke injection lena chahiye.

    .......................

    Bikhari: 50 paise de de maine 3 din se khana nahin khaya hai
    Kanjoos: 10 rupaye dunga , pahele ye bata 50 paise mein khana kahan milta hai.

    .................................
    Santa: Yaar bachpan mein 20 maale se gir gaya tha
    Banta: toh fir bach gaya ya mar gaya ?
    Santa: yaad nahin hai bahut purani baat hai.

    ..................................
    Boy: mom, aaj mera dost ghar aa raha hai....ghar ke sab khilone chhupa do
    Mom: tera dost chor hai kya?
    Boy: nahin, woh apne khilone pehchan lega.
     
  3. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    SARDARJI STRIKES AGAIN





    Boss: Where were you born?
    sardar : Punjab ..
    Boss : which part ?
    sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.


    2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
    Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
    sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.


    Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
    Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with "T".
    Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi
    petrol se start hoti hai.


    Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why
    are you removing a wheel from your auto.
    sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.


    Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He
    gave
    Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.


    Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
    computer.
    Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
    Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.


    On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him. Darling on our
    engagement day will you give me a ring.
    Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.


    Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any
    one before you die?
    Patient : Yes. A good doctor.


    How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
    Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it....


    Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
    Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
    Santa: I'm falling in love.

    Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
    Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.


    A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
    Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.


    At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
    Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?


    Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
    irritated...
    drank poison & said,
    Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

    Banta: U cheated me.
    Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
    Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
    India Radio!


    NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE :
    In an interview,
    Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
    Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
    Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
    Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

    Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
    Santa: Tipu's skeleton.
    Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
    Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child




     
  4. mathangikkumar

    mathangikkumar Platinum IL'ite

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    Santa came home earlier than usual, when his wife, Jeeto's lover was still in the apartment. She hid her lover in a closet, and served dinner. As they ate, something rustled in the closet.
    "What's that?" Santa husband asked.
    "Nothing, darling. Just jackets."
    After a while, they again heard some noise in the closet.
    "What the hell is that?"
    "I'm telling you, just jackets."
    A few minutes later, the noise sounded once more.
    "I'll check it," Santa said. "You'll regret it if it's not jackets."
    Santa yanked the closet's door open. Inside, he saw a man who held a pistol. Santa quietly closed the door, and said, "Indeed, jackets, darling



    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,






    Santa was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.

    The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

    Santa stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,

    'From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

    Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ....'

    'The funeral director,' said his wife.

    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


    ,,,Banta called his friend, Santa, and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

    Santa said, "Send her some flowers, and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal."

    Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.

    The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.

    Banta, "It was a flop idea."

    Santa, "Didn't the girl come to your house?"

    Banta, "She did, but she refused to cook



    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,




    ,,,,Santa Biwi kay office aaya

    to dekha Biwi Boss kay god may baithi thi

    Santa - chal Preeto aisi jagah kaam nahi karna
    jahan staff kay liya kursi bi na ho !!!!!
     

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