A lil different and very shocking life

I think independence doesnt mean tht we dont need anybody....humans are social animals....they depand on each other....taking help frm someone is not wrong....but becoming cripple without help is wrong...
If indian woman hAppy getting help frm parents and parents happy helping with new born....then third person shuldnot have any prob....making this tradition kind of laziness or incapability of new mother is wrong....
Indian culture is about interwoven and interdependent relationships....some foreigners can take it as being not independent and less capable.....
like some indian thinka tht westener dont fulfill their responsibilty and abondon their parents in old age....while for westener it is all about being independent also in old age as old age is not disease....

 

@ Crayoness- Why don't you let us less enlightened folks figure out our life on our own? Why are you so obsessed with all things Indian?

@Butterflyice already gave to the appropriate response and I add that thank God you are not a doctor. Two weeks after child birth enough for recovery???? Corporate America is not doling out free maternity days to women. That is the minimum time required to recover from normal delivery and 8 weeks for c section.

I don't believe you are a mother let alone a grandmother (or for that fact a woman or hands on father) to think newborns sleep 20 hours a day. I don't think you have handled a newborn in your life.

You knowledge about newborns are same as your belief that all Indians should eat what you dole out. We reject you and your belief system. Thanks but no thanks. You have no respect for anyone else's culture or way of life. So I have no problems in saying as I see it either.

Are there no equivalent of IndusLadies in Finland to share your knowledge? I am sure Finland is not heaven and has its share of problems.

 

Our organization gives 6 weeks maternity leave for normal and 8 weeks for C-section delivery. I am sure they are not doing this for charity. I have seen my friends after giving birth and even those who had easy deliveries needed time to get back on their feet.

 

True @ Malstorm. Moreover this new mantra of "pregnancy" is not a disease is spoken by men who want to dismiss women and what they go through (as they are not ones giving birth) or women that are lucky and had easy pregnancies. Every pregmancy is different. My co worker gave birth couple of months ago and throughout entire pregnancy she said she never had much nausea or discomfort except those last weeks. I had severe morning sickness that lasted all day. I had many other issues throughout too. My mom had extreme morning sickness throghout all 9 months and had to go to doctor because she could not keep any food down.

The same with post partum recovery. Every woman is different. Some has it easier and others not so much. For someone to dismiss other people's concerns is really arrogant.

There are many ways to be independent but I never want to so independent that I stop relying on people I love. I dont want to use my my parents or IL's as free baby sitters but neither do I want to deprive them of time with their grandchildren. For me their stay is not intruson.

Crayoness like to makes us believe we are strange in our need for our family but it may be so in Finland but what I see of other cultures here in America, almost all turn to their extended families in their deepest happy and sad moments. I find those that dont understand that concept strange.

 

There is no paternity leave in U.S.A or India !!!! Maternity leave is usually around 6 weeks .

6 weeks for a normal vaginal and 2 months for CS is what is OBG recommended to recover .

Newborns sleep 20 hrs and mom's life is all back to normal ? I do think you definitely do not remember how it is to have a newborn may be because you did it 20 or 30 some years ago . And as you just visited your grandkids after a week or two as newborns for may be couple of hours you never really have any recent memory of how things are with a newborn around !!!!

 

One thing happens when you become pregnant - suddenly your whole surrounding do have the authority to tell what you should eat/not eat, what exercises you should do/not do, what rituals to do/not do and so on. The health experts have their sayings, your family members their, your neighbors their and your coworkers/friends their own. Suddenly you are somehow someone elses property, people think they have the right to make all kind of queries, tell their own horrific histories about their pregnancies/deliveries. In the hospital you are basically a peace of meat in the arms of the personell (I am exaggareting).

My point (that was not communicated well) was more about encouraging the woman to be in the driver seat. Get the knowledge about babies, delivery, pregnancy, postnatal care. Be critical, read many books, discuss with health professionals and other.

Regarding customs and traditions. No need to ditch them but also these needs to be evaluated what fit your needs. Some of these have been developed/evolved because of the womans need. Especially undernourishment and lack of medical resources made childbirth extremely dangerous business. About 25% of the women died in child birth in the past. But some of these practices are also from the patriarchal thinking. This is not only about indian traditions. For example in christianity a woman who had given birth was considered "impure" and had to stay at home for a certain period.

If you (and your hubby) are fine having the grandparents coming for delivery then of course they should come. But if there are risks of emotional dramas, the elderly parents would be having challenges being in a foreign land or having difficulties to arrange their stay (eg other commitments like elderly parents to take care of) it is not a biggie. It can be better they come later, stay for shorter time, you visit them when the baby is a few months old. Your body, your choice

Check out the hospital, go and visit. What are the pain relief options? What are your preferences? Participate in the classes they may arrange. Discuss with your hubby what are your preferences. Listen to the health professionals but do not blindly rely on them. In a case of emergency they will take over completely but in most normal deliveries you can impact a lot of what is happening.

If you want to eat laddoos and and ghee after delivery go for it. But if you feel that you do not want, feed them to your hubby or skip the completely. It is not a biggie.

If you want to have home made food after delivery go for it. But you can also eat frozen food, indian take-outs, pizza, sandwiches and fruits. It is not a biggie. If you do not feel for cooking have a pizza picnic party on the living room with your hubby and baby. Remember to take pics so that you can cherish those moments afterwards.

Read about parenting, discuss with your hubby what you want for your child. Attachment parenting, disposable diapers or environment friendly non-disposables. pram or sling or both, you are the one who will be doing the decisions about your child. No-one else. You are starting your lifelong journey as parents together.

When coming home with the little bundle the biggest challenge is usually the sleep. A newborn sleep a lot but also wakes up a lot - around the clock (serious design flaw in babies that are otherwise so perfect ). Nap with the baby, go out for long walks together, let the household chores wait for better times (and delegate to hubby, friends and family). And cherish every moment of this precious time. It is not rocket science to take care of a baby. If you want to go for traditional baths/massage go for it. If you do not want that is equally good. Your choice.

US maternity leave laws sucks. There is the federal law stating that 12 weeks unpaid leave should be given but there are restrictions. There are on state level some improvements in some states. Discuss the options with your hubby and employer. Some employers are OK extending the leave. Depending on your finances and your status on the job market you maybe can take the risk and resign and join when your baby is older. Not easy decisions.

During my second pregnancy I went into serious stress. I had challenges with my family (my father got sick), issues in the workplace, got this overwhelming panic for the upcoming delivery (my first one was difficult) etc. I met this lovely experienced midwife and we had long discussions. She was the one who get my confidence back regarding labour. We went through my first delivery (she got the hospital records), she explained in detail what happened, how I can improve the situation next time. But she also told me the need for a mother to be sheltered, step away from any conflicts and emotional dramas. Together with her we made a plan of how I can withdraw from the conflicts I have in my life. She told me about this cocoon approach, that I need to go into a cocoon with my baby and leave everything else. Do your work (I was completely physical fit) but I am not allowed to get involved in any dramas. Skip all unnecessary things at home. Let my siblings and others sort out the issues with my father.

 

Of course I am aware that there are no paternity leave in US. You have to use your annual leaves for that.

My youngest child is 10 now so it has been some time. My grandchildren are 9, 8, 6 and 6. And yes, newborns sleep around 16-18 hours per day in the beginning. The mother is not back to normal in two weeks but of course you can do normal household chores and go for walks. You still need also to rest a lot etc. It is good for your recovery to be physically (on a moderate level) active after delivery. That is why you are encouraged already in the hospital (even with C-section) to get up and be active. As it is more dangerous to stay in bed for too long.

 

Nice thread... views being shared back and forth...

I am transported back in time when I was pregnant/ delivered (that was almost a decade ago). I delivered in India and it was like a huge celebration from the day we discovered I was pregnant till I delivered and actually much beyond that actually.
Just wanted to share some of the moments which are so typically Indian and I do not regret any one of them.

1) My FIL took it upon himself (nobody asked him to do it) to give me a glass of of freshly squeezed Orange juice every evening. He would actually go out to buy oranges when we had not stocked even when it rained. He did this till the day I left for my mom's house for delivery
2) My MIL would frequently consult my mom and other elders to brush up her "do's and don'ts" with regard to providng care... We do have quite a bit of home made / ayurvedic concoction routine that is followed.
3) I wanted to eat "roasted bhutta" (roasted corn) which is usually done on coal fire (coal giving out its own flavour). I just happend to mention it at home. My hubby went all around the locality and could not find one shop selling roasted corn. Then my MIL bought corn and roasted it on gas stove and gave me. I just commented that the taste of "coal fire roasted corn" is anytime better. My MIL took it so seriously that she went to the apartment's "iron man" (the one who irons your cloths who usually has a stock of this coal) borrowed coal and roasted me my bhutta
4) There was a regular supply of eateries from all the aunts of both the sides. My husband had the best time of his life during my pregnancy with respect to supply of eateries. One aunt insisted on getting me mango chutney even though I never wanted it.
5) One of my uncle very lovingly told me to chant certain prayers for the well being of my child which I followed.
6) The baby shower happened in the third timester which again was a huge celebration and I moved to my mom's place for the delivery and post natal care. The new saga of display of love and care repeats itself there. I was invited to my relatives place for lunch / dinner which revolves around my favourite food.
7) I still lovingly remember my daily walk routine with my mom every morning. On our way back she would pluck fresh flowers from the garden for me.
8) As the D day drew near, my siblings were ready with all the help they could offer. My mom was with me in the hospital and my sisters ensured I received "fresh home food" three times a day.
9) they did all the shopping for the naming ceremony and again a big grand gathering for naming ceromony
10) My grandma (mom's mom) who was 85+ years old came over to "be of some help" to my mom. now ...Beat that !!! and what was the help?? she would patiently fold the cloth nappies of the baby every evening. and just be around in the room where I and my baby were resting.

ok... I can go on and on and on
To conclude

1) Practically ...my husband and I being healthy, responsible adults could have managed everything listed above and much more ourselves. But I wouldn't have it any other way. We Indians do crave for this display of affection no matter what. It would have hurt me to the core if "my people" had stayed back thinking they would "invade" my privacy.

2) In Indian context, family occassions / milestones are meant to be this way. There is no scientific reason for being this way. There is no scientific reason either for being "I, my husband and my baby"

3) Did this in any way affecte my "special" bonding with hubby and baby? sometimes yes but mostly no... I would prefer the "sometime invasion" to be left to fend for ouselves.

4) Is this arrangement "all smiles and no heartaches" ?? again a No ... you will still be dealing with unsolicited advise, insensitive comments, my side of family does this in a different way and all sorts of things... but between having these nagging moments and being left alone respecting our "privacy", I would prefer the former.

Does this count as some form of documentation of a glimpse of Indian woman's life for future generations to read / ponder over / wonder about ???

 

Given the privacy-privacy, Invasion-Invasion cries, yes its a good documentation