A lil different and very shocking life

This is classic case of what happens when you depend on others. Remember that once your in your adulthood, NO ONE will take care of you. You have to take care of yourself. Put yourself first, put your needs first. That is not a selfish thing to do, but the right thing to do. (asking others to put your needs first is the selfish thing to do , just fyi)
If she is having medical issues, she and her husband needs to get a nurse or a someone who can specially take care of her, instead of simply relying on parents. ILs are not caregivers/servants. Parents are also not caregivers/servant. You have to do everything by yourself these days. (Also when ILs and parents become old, You are also not a care giver/servant)

 

If so called "males" cant handle a baby then they shouldnt get married and have one. For the "males" who do have babies, they better get thier act together and start taking care of it. Stop making stupid excuses for themwaitingsmiley

 

@SwornToSecrecy, @Crayoness

There is no different genetic set up. Its more of a social mindset or conditioning. Some things are done differently in India. In Indian Tier 2 or Tier 3 cities and villages, it is quite unheard of the husband accompanying the wife in the labour room.

I do agree the one should be self sufficient and do everything by oneself. However, In India when logistics permit, parents or PILS do not view staying with their son or daughter as a disruption in their schedule. We also do not treat it as an "invasion" of our homes. Sure, if they are not comfortable, it is fine. However mostly if parents can travel or live in another state, then they do "help" out. This is more so in case of the first delivery. No one is comparing them to caregivers or servants. Please do not use such terms.
Can a caregiver or servant provide the new mother with much needed emotional support?

 

My rumblings about not finding in books knowledge is about the fact that most of the documented history and culture is about men. Their kings, their wars, the economy etc and most of the womens life go undocumented. I would love to come to India to give birth but that is impossible so I have to rely on written information. And to some extent also told stories from my indian friends. Oral traditions have been strong everywhere - for example Iceland sagas, Kalevala epos and Brother grimms fairytales are stories handed down for generations. Parents still tell stories but of course also read books/watch films.

Prenatal classes, daycare, maternal/paternal leaves etc are all quite new concepts in western europe. Pensions been along for a little bit longer but it is not the government (except for government employees) paying. You pay yourself a mandatory fee from your monthly salary. When my mother retired her pension was minimal (as she was considered a housewife because she was a farmer) so we had to Support her during her golden ages. My father had left savings and my mother would have died of shame if she would have known that her children are paying for her living. We were able to do it very discreetly so she never knew.

I understand that delivery in rural India is a different story. Without Access to medical care the Support of other is essential. But when we are talking about families living in metros/abroad with a decent income, Access to medical care (and pre/postnatal Support) - why this big fuss about the "help" needed for delivery? There are no paternal leaves but the father can take from the annual leave (this is what the guys in the office been doing). We (our office in India) have (if I remember correctly) 3 months maternity leave (which is of course very short).


Yes, I have read stories here about the expecting mother first travel to her parents Place and then she is shipped to the inlaws. Where is the father, what the point to travel with a small infant. Why can't the mother be allowed to stay in her home with her spouse and enjoy her baby in peace?

 

From where did you get that that children are not considered part of the family when they turn 18? Children grow up and at some point they move out and build their own family/home. It does not happen when they turn 18, it depends on the studies, financial means etc. Of course the teenager is waiting eagerly to be able to be independent but usually they have to wait til their 20s.

My mother would have felt shame that she as a strong independent lady who had worked all her life is not able to provide for her living. Due to an archaic law (that was later changed) she only got a very minimal pension. We did not have a problem of supporting her also financially but we tried to take into account her feelings. Taking care of aging parents is a norm here also but you have also to respect the parents wishes to be as independent as possible.

I do not see what is wrong getting knowledge from written sources. For example in the pregnancy/child care there have been a lot of research. Child mortality has been reduced significantly by improving the prenatal and child care practises. Of course you need to be critical and not believe everything what is written. My daughters have been very actively made their homework regarding child care/rearing so they are experts in that area. My knowledge is partly outdated.

If you check the OP you can see that this having parents/inlaws coming is a hassle for the parties. Of course as a grandparent you want to be with your grandchild but you have to respect the fact that it is most important that the baby bond with his/her parents. We grandmothers can wait . And if my daughter would be telling me that I am more important to her than her hubby I would be very concerned and feel that I have failed as a mother. A parents task is to raise the children to become independent so they can bond with their own family.

 

@CrayoNess

I know this is a tricky situation.

I had the luxury of having my mom beside me for nearly 1 year after my first child was born, and for 4 months after my second one was born. Whereas, my sister and brother had their kids around the same time; thus they had to manage the whole episode on their own+some hired helps.

Now, I feel much better that I didn't have to worry much about my health or my kids during my mother's stay with me. Although I was perfectly all-right 5 days after both of my c-sections, and there were no restrictions from the doctors except heavy weight lifting for 6 months, I was still pampered by my mom. I enjoyed being pampered, specially at that tiring times.

I never suffered that much sleep deprivation, never lost my me-time, never give up the fresh hot meals, and what not.

I concentrated mostly on getting back my pre-pregnancy shape, exclusively breast feeding the kid, got back with my career passion... In fact, nothing stopped from being myself because I had a tiny baby at home. My mom was living there as a mother substitute for my kids, and it was indeed a blessing to leave your kid in a safe hands other than trusting someone outsider.

However, this support came with a package called 'issues, rifts, misunderstanding, emotional abuse, etc..etc...; That is natural.

Once my mom moved in with us, I slowly detached with my husband. During the initial days, my husband would sleep in the guest room by allowing mom to share our bedroom together on the pretext of helping the baby.

Since mom will solely concentrate on my meals, and health.. naturally my husband felt missed out at his own home. His loneliness was then taken cared by his parents.

Instead of inter-depending on each other during this most important time, we depended on someone else. That mostly affected our marriage life.

Whereas, my siblings found it extremely uncomfortable to sail all alone with a tiny newborn. They shared their emotions, specially the fear, happiness, sadness and over joyfulness together as couple. In fact, every day with a tiny baby was difficult. There were so much sleepless nights, hard work at home during the little time when baby is sleep in order to compensate the over spent time with the baby. Therefore, physically and mentally tired.
Frequent hospital trips, mistakes, guilt feelings with the baby, shock treatments and what not. It is never an easy job to handle a newborn. They missed mom every seconds, but they let her stay with me since I had other complications.

But they somehow sailed this tough journey together as couple. So, when they reached their destination, they were so much bonded, and in love as a united family than us.

 

Very well said....every approach had its pros n cons....we cant say one is better than the other...we can just try to understand the others ways....