A friendly suggestion for those having marital problems!!!

Agree with Tridev- there is no perfect marriage

Some people just hide and put on a show that they have a perfect marriage and someone like me just live an open life letting parents and siblings know that we have a rocky marriage on hands.

Some people adjust, live and let live because a marriage/a companion is very important to them above everything else. Some people can't sit around and take abuse, senseless mental torture, character assasination etc...

Growing up I thought my parents had the most perfect marriage - agreeing on literally everything after discussions till the point I got married. My mom told me they both made huge sacrifices for each other as well as for us. They were times they had a heated discussion but we didn't know about it...

 

Tridev, there is nothing like a perfect marriage and relationships are what you make out of them. Neither do I know the future of my marriage and nor can I speak for all the selfless love etc but I have been married for about three and a half years and we have been together for almost five years now most of which we have cohabited together. So without going into idealities and superlatives of relationship which I don't know if our relationship would qualify for, I have had a relatively smooth relationship and I can say with clear conscience that all the years we have been together have been good so far. And we always try to make the best out of our relationship and we take one day at a time and try to make the best out of it. Both of us are in no hurry to have kids and nor are we keen on it and we see eye to eye on most of the major things in life. And lastly, our philosophy in life is really simple. We aim to please only each other and we do not live for others or try to impress people around us or compete with them.

I'd neither call my marriage text book perfect nor do I know what maybe in store in the future, but I can say without second thoughts that we have had almost 5 good years so far. And I hope we'll have more good years in the future by taking on life at our own easy pace and trying to make the best out of everyday.

Stop looking for perfection and stop comparing your marriage to others or try to keep up with other marriages and make the best out of every moment you have together at your own accord and your own pace. That won't probably get you to a perfect relationship but it will definitely get you to a decent or even a good relationship, however long that may last.

And you can plan for all the growing old together stuff when you get there or atleast close to it. You never know what life may bring in the future so it is best not to over plan and over think stuff that is 25 or 30 years away.

 

Well said CP

 

As several have mentioned, there aren't any perfect relationships. When entering a relationship we need to match the social, cultural, economical, emotional, professional and personal goals, believes and life style. When we have a near match of 75% I'd say it is worthwhile entering that relationship, anything that falls blow 50% is just not worth the time. 50 -75% calls for severe adjustments and it could either improve or deteriorate.

If we know ourselves our strengths and weakness and if we can accept them life will be smooth. In any relationship when we force our ideas on the other person, it becomes suffocating. Therefore, if we can match most our major goals, and work towards them I'm sure life will be more peaceful.

It is cinematic to say the husband and wife think and speak the same. There will be differences of opinion but if they are over tea and coffee and areas which does not demand a sea change in the perception of life and marriage, sure life will be sane.

There isn't a government in this world that has laid down rules to have a perfect family life. This is all about emotions, ideologies, aspirations and dreams. When we can match them at least 75% we can call ourselves successful.

 

I guess you have to be very very happy that you didnt spoil the life of a innocent child. That you didnt bring in a new life into this world and play with the kids innocent emotions and mental sanity. You have to feel blessed that you were able to take a STAND on this. So no point in feeling emotional about it rather you should say thanks to god that atleeast you could take this decision about your life. There are many women out there who are not allowed to even take a decision whether they are willing to have a kid or not..the moment they are married they are supposed to have a baby. Their marriage whole n sole depends on their capability to have babies.

 

Tridev

I beg your pardon for saying this. But your marriage has too many twists and turns and sometimes I feel whatever you are going through is brought on into your marriage by your ownself.

You asking your wife and seeking permission to adopt your siblings child (even before she had a baby, doesnt matter even if she had agreed for the adoption or the kid living with your mother!!! point here was this discussed before you and her getting married???), and if you saw that she was not treating your brothers child well, how did you plan to have another kid with this huge EGO lady??

Also one last thing, you keep talking about her EGO all the time and also I saw another thread on Jaan and Jaani dushman (i.e after separation) but can you see how much of negativity you are pouring out in your threads about her??

Please, start trying to live with the truth and the consequences of your marriage and start trying to avoid this anger , would make it a lot easier to handle your life in future. When you already made a decision, you have to stop looking at the past and stop analyzing it over n over again. It wont make any sense at all unless you still are figuring out how to reconcile with her.

 

Srividya, adopting my daughter was not discussed before marriage but before adoption we had discussed, by marrying she was not automatically agreeing right? so what is the question that before marriage did you discuss? Can one discuss everything before marriage, and after marriages discussions and commitments have no meaning? I did not just discuss with her but even her mother who said yes legally if we are adopting then its ok and they both had agreed.

On your second point I am confused on Jaan-Jani Dushman thread. That incidence is of my friend in India and in his married life. Not sure how you conclude that I am pouring out negativity in that thread about my wife.

On having our own kid, I dont feel that things can be planned as one wants....I still feel proud to have him

I do understand your point on letting anger subside.. irrespective whether one lives or not together

 

Yep I understand we cant plan and discuss every detail before marriage, but when you can see how her behaviour is towards your adopted child, might be you should have taken a step back on having another kid. (I guess thats what OP meant by starting this thread in general!!! ) or might be you would have thought that she would be different with her own baby i.e with her flesh n blood:bonk no idea but I guess this is all OP is talking about!!! not to make things complicated in marriage by bringing in kids. (Yes all parents are proud of having kids!! but the disfunction in the marriage does take a toll on them without anyone noticing it)

 

:bowdown Agreed. But no more dysfunction will affect my son or DD. I have had enough and am sure my wife too incl kids. I am going to see one way or other I am out of that **** and take care of all incl my wife...However I try I cannot be mean....