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A Daughters Sacrifice

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by nakshatra1, Sep 20, 2020.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I made acquaintance with a lady few months back. She seemed very distraught one day and wanted to share about her life. She seemed to be about 34 years. She was worried about her marriage. She said she wanted to get married when she was younger but that time her father said she should do job, because her brother was just a student so she has to take responsibility. She had a low paying job and their family expenses were not high(father had a low paying govt job).
    Her eldest sister married, and younger sister not interested in taking any responsibility just did love marriage. Now she said it is difficult to marry because no one wants to marry a woman whose younger sister got married first because people always imagine something must be wrong with the elder sister that parents did the younger one's marriage first. Still she got 2 proposals but did not work out, one family said she has to quit her present job and move to his home state. Other was too much interested in her salary. She told me she rejected both proposals otherwise how she will financially take care of her parents after marriage . She seemed to be telling the truth. I told her I admire her for doing the right thing for her parents.
    But after so many months Im thinking tomorrow her brother will get job, get married- after that what about her? Will she have same place place in her parent's family, or will they then just marry her off to anybody? Ive seen such cases- in our patriarchal society- till parents are not settled they delay marriage of elder daughter who is earning . Once parent save a house etc to give their son, they try to do her marriage. After that , these women suffer a lot when someone married them at advanced age only for their salary- so they are harassed and controlled and used like atm entire life.
    I have no right to assume these things about her family- but the fact that they had 3 daughters and last child is son, the fact that her father delayed her marriage and also discouraging the few proposals.It's not that the parents have bad intention- just thinking how complicated the future becomes when elder sister is unmarried and brother gets married. All this makes me feel, I could not give her any right advice .Even I dont know what I should have told her. But i felt that time, she is doing right thing for her parents. But I have lost touch with her right now.Really I admire her.
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    In this case, taking care of her parents is not only her responsibility - the brother may be younger and not earning but what about the other 2 sisters? married or not , they also should have equal responsibility towards parents. I too have seen umpteen cases where the eldest son or daughter sacrificed everything for their parents/siblings responsibilities. It is a known thing that once they have their own family the priority changes automatically to first self and their own children. If at all anything left it may be shared with parents/siblings. This lady also should have decided on a cut off date say max by 30 years by which she should think of her own settling down. Being the sacrificial goat is also one of the main reasons for MILs /SILs who have not had their share of fun/peace to grudge it to their DIls/children too in some cases.
    Each family dynamics is different and it is easy to preach but only the concerned know the problems they are facing. However, now a days it is the other way round and i see more of people thinking of themselves only - which is the other extreme.
     
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  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    One thing I have noticed, is that those who are brought up with pampering, grow up to be very entitled and somewhat selfish.
    Whereas those who were brought up to be the sacrificial goat, remain that way forever- develop low self esteem and feel obligated to sacrifice always. We become whatever our parents conditioned us to be . Mostly, the scape goas continue to make more and more sacrifices till they are ruined. And even after they are ruined, they still feel awkward to protect themselves. It is all about conditioning.

    I have seen , rich are generally more petty, poor are more generous. Those who have suffered are more kind than those who grew up with adoration , treated like golden children- they are more arrogant and want control. Those who always had less are more amenable to sharing, while those who always had more, they always want lions share in life.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
    kishoremommy and joylokhi like this.
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Why is this woman being the only one to make sacrifices while her brother and sister dint take any repsonsibity..? This is wrong...and shows some favouritism on part of parents...she is 34..not in her twenties...she also needs to get married and have her own family...her biological clock is already ticking , what are they waiting for , her 40th birthday?
     
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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont know her so closely, she just shared one day in frustration- asked to go for tea and snacks and then shared all this in disturbed state of mind. She was frustrated why she is not able to get married. But also that she rejected those 2 proposals because she felt after that she cannot take care of parents after that. She said one guy wanted her to quit job and move to his hometown. Other guy's mom told she cannot support her parent financially after marriage.

    I think in our urban educated areas, 34 is fine for this generation, but she is from lower socio economic background- I dont know how that will affect her all this delay . I have seen some women among my acquaintances who suffered like this. So i felt I gave her wrong advice. I could not meet her again due to covid , and I feel I cannot just contact her on phone just to talk all this.
     
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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