A daughter's duty

mimita · Jul 20, 2013

Am living with my husband , his mom and his grandmom and i have a small baby as well.
My grouse is that, my parents never get to visit me much. They always feel they are imposing and come and go back the same day. they dont stay in the same city as us.my baby is the only grandchild they have. She is too young for me to visit my parents once a month or something- the way I used to do before having the kid.

My husband's duty of supporting his folks is tied to me.He can largely lead a guilt free life because of this ancient cultural expectations.I don't have any brothers, so I worry sometimes,as to how I can be there for my parents when they need me - with this arrangement of them not even being comfortable to visit and stay for 2-3 days.also they don't get to bond with my baby.
My husband keeps telling me 'treat this as ur own house' and doesn't get any of the nuances that go with it.
i have always been an independent girl with a strong sense of equality. So all this bothers me no end.no wonder indian parents prefer sons they do as much for their daughters , but the daughters end up taking care of someone else's parents!

U cud say I shud have thought of all this before marriage, but well, u can pick and choose only if u have a lot of options I married a good man - precisely what was my priority at that time.

Somehow at times, I feel extremely resentful at this , considering this is the arrangement that will go on for another few decades and no, relocating elsewhere -a more neutral place,is not an option for him. He is duty bound to stay with his folks
How do I make peace with the situation ?

Rihana · Jul 20, 2013

You make peace with the situation by making the best of the situation. You "married a good man which was your priority at that time". OK. Now, you ignore the "nuances that go with it" and treat it like your home and feel free enough to invite your parents to stay overnight. It will be tough initially, but will soon become the norm. You have to start with yourself feeling comfortable enough to invite your parents for overnight stay, then you will be able to make them feel comfortable.

There are always other options too if you look for them. You could look for temporary accommodation like furnished apartment. Or simply have them stay in a hotel, and you go stay with them for 2-3 days with your child. And don't rule out staying by yourselves in a nearby house. All things that look impossible at one time become possible with some effort, tact and persistence.

If all the above fails, realize that "i have always been an independent girl with a strong sense of equality" does not go with " u can pick and choose only if u have a lot of options". That is making excuses for the safety, security, parental and societal approval that a marriage with the expected guy at the expected age gives. Girls with strong sense of equality do not marry into a household where that sense is going to meet so much natural opposition.

Yettobemom · Jul 20, 2013

Dear Mimita,
I too dont have a brother, i know very well that i have to take care of my ageing parents. As daughters its our duty, no compromise on that. You can make peace with your situation by being strong & tactful. Here are few options:
1. Convey your dilemmas to your DH, work out the best possible arrangement
2. Ask your parents to shift in your city in your neighbourhood, all problems will be solved
3. Next time they visit, it shouldn't be less than 2 days, if possible make a separate room for them so that they feel comfortable.
4. You can visit them with baby for an extended period say 2 weeks so that they too get the joy of being grandparents

Remember, as a DIL you may have to take care of his folks but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own wishes & forget your own duties towards your parents. in some situations where both parties require care, DH can be asked to take care of his family while you can take care of your own, it's a sensible as well as practical solution because none of them can be neglected. No one is inferior to other in marriage, neither your family inferior to his. Realize this yourself first, then slowly carry out the transformation. Gone are the days when women had to be tied to tradition & sit crying, times have changed & so should we.

Good luck

mimita · Jul 20, 2013

Rihana said: ↑

You make peace with the situation by making the best of the situation. You "married a good man which was your priority at that time". OK. Now, you ignore the "nuances that go with it" and treat it like your home and feel

Wonder how many years this will eventually take to make peace with the situation

If all the above fails, realize that "i have always been an independent girl with a strong sense of equality" does not go with " u can pick and choose only if u have a lot of options". That is making excuses for the safety, security, parental and societal approval that a marriage with the expected guy at the expected age gives. Girls with strong sense of equality do not marry into a household where that sense is going to meet so much natural opposition.
Click to expand...

I mostly married for companionship. In this day and age, mutual compatibility doesn't come easy. And compromising on the kind of guy you marry is not worth the trouble. Though , even at that time, I knew it was not ever going to be easy, I compromised on the 'living with inlaws' stuff. Of course,I did consider not budging, but the loneliness and purposelessness of staying alone got me.
Part of the bitterness is because, all this wouldn't have been asked of me, if I were a guy. So, the situation itself is inherently unfair.

I am trying to make peace , one step at a time...perhaps in a few more years, I would have reached a balance. Until then, I'll keep debating all this in my head I guess

guesshoo · Jul 20, 2013

Hi OP,

It is just the inherent conditioning that we as girls have been subject to growing up in India- grandparents, neighbours, media - all send the same message. No one needs to tell us explicitly things are different for girls and guys. We just accept it tacitly and carry on feeling compromised! I totally agree with the posters above.

Just invite your parents. Insist. Prime your inlaws for your parents' visit. Enlist your husband I helping out more with household duties. There is not reason to bear the cross alone. It is down to you to treat the house as yours and get your parents become comfy there.

Do just take a stand and proceed diplomatically. That's all. We know our parents don't deserve anything less. Except our parents mightn't be so accepting of our offers due to the same conditioning... It's something I've faced!

Rihana · Jul 20, 2013

mimita said: ↑

Part of the bitterness is because, all this wouldn't have been asked of me, if I were a guy. So, the situation itself is inherently unfair.

I am trying to make peace , one step at a time...perhaps in a few more years, I would have reached a balance. Until then, I'll keep debating all this in my head I guess
Click to expand...

I can understand how you wish that things were simpler, such as, it is the norm that both sons and daughters take care of parents as it is in some western countries. That does make life easier for all since the man's parents do not get to live with the married couple by default. Then, old parents ( man's or woman's) move in with child's family if needed.

But, things are changing. A husband who says 'think of this as your own home' is a sign of the change. Of course, men may not get the nuances. So, it is mostly up to us women to feel comfortable and have our parents come over and stay. Maybe with time, everybody will realize that it is best if the married couple stay separately, and parents visit as needed or live nearby.

To help with making peace with it - it is not as one-sided as you think. It is also unfair to men. Men have to take care of parents (and sometimes sisters) whether they want to or not. If they don't, it is a big negative mark against them. If a woman doesn't take care of parents, people understand, and if she does, they laud it.

If women have to deal with not taking care of parents as much as they would like and grandkids not able to bond much with them, men have to deal with taking care of parents while maintaining peace in their life with wife. And deep down they know that it bothers the woman to take care of in-laws while her own parents are strangers in her house. The men can't do much about this stereotype other than tell wife to treat it as their own house.

Don't think too much. Try not to harbor bitterness. Life is not as unfair as it seems. Try to get parents to stay for one night... give them your room. Do whatever it takes. Your husband's role will be key in such a stay.

DGcreative · Jul 22, 2013

mimita said: ↑

I mostly married for companionship. In this day and age, mutual compatibility doesn't come easy. And compromising on the kind of guy you marry is not worth the trouble. Though , even at that time, I knew it was not ever going to be easy, I compromised on the 'living with inlaws' stuff. Of course,I did consider not budging, but the loneliness and purposelessness of staying alone got me.
Part of the bitterness is because, all this wouldn't have been asked of me, if I were a guy. So, the situation itself is inherently unfair.

I am trying to make peace , one step at a time...perhaps in a few more years, I would have reached a balance. Until then, I'll keep debating all this in my head I guess
Click to expand...

I think I am reading my mind in your thoughts. It takes a toll when the little compromises start piling up.

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