A big fight happens between you and your MIL. How will you patch up with her now?

sujanags · Dec 21, 2009

Thanks Sushma for sharing. I meant that "DH will not be affectionate....", based on my and my friends experience. My case was little different that my MIL lost her husband last year and she was very insecured. So when there were fights between us, my DH expected that i should compromise as she already experienced a big loss. I didn't do that first and so there were problems again. So, I left everything and talked to her. Now things are ok.

sujanags · Dec 21, 2009

asuitablegirl,

Thanks for sharing. I too had these principles like you have said but for me it is very difficult to get that going after marriage.

I have seen from my experiences, when I have not talked to my MIL in such situations, my mind was running with too many thoughts and was very uncomfortable. If we are the first to ask the tough word "Sorry" and set the relationship, then our life will be the happiest one. Actually speaking this will not put ourself down by doing this, instead maintains the relationship that you hold up.

sujanags · Dec 21, 2009

Lavii,

Very sorry to hear that they did not talk during your father's death. I this in this case, even I will also don't go and talk to them.

asuitablegirl · Dec 21, 2009

<HR style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #ffffff; COLOR: #ffffff" SIZE=1>
asuitablegirl,

Thanks for sharing. I too had these principles like you have said but for me it is very difficult to get that going after marriage.

I have seen from my experiences, when I have not talked to my MIL in such situations, my mind was running with too many thoughts and was very uncomfortable. If we are the first to ask the tough word "Sorry" and set the relationship, then our life will be the happiest one. Actually speaking this will not put ourself down by doing this, instead maintains the relationship that you hold up.
Click to expand...

Hi Sujatha,

In my own life, I've often said 'sorry' first, even if the problem wasn't my fault. But if it keeps happening with the same person over and over, I don't keep playing their game, because I don't like to get taken advantage of. And although it is awkward having somebody not talk to you, I feel it is more awkward (at least for me) to apologize for something I didn't even do, or, apologize but not know what it is exactly that i'm 'sorry' for. Guess it depends on the situation. Sometimes in a fight between me and dh for example, it's often hard to remember who started the fight or what the fight was even about... so sometimes to get things back on track I will say 'sorry' first, even if I think it was my dh's fault. But there are a lot of people who end up in fights simply because they can't take responsibility for their own actions... and to those people I don't want to say 'sorry' because I feel it just further enables them to get away with bad behavior.

Whether it's family, friends, or strangers, I believe we owe it to each other to act with respect, and if need be, restraint. But as humans we all make mistakes in that and should know how to apologize... but that doesn't mean one person should continuously apologize while the other just gets away with acting like a jerk. Personally if somebody treats me badly and never apologizes, I'd be MUCH happier not having anything to do with that person than apologize to them and continue on with that relationship cycle of you-hurt-me-i-apologize-repeat. Just my opinion.

maggi99 · Dec 22, 2009

in my case, my MIL shouted at me for not visiting them for 1 month during my stay in india (for a 2 months course) and she knew what the reasons were(and the problems they had created)... Man, my parents have never shouted at me so loudly or so much for any of the ugliest mistake i wd hv done in my life. And my MIL thought that i was her slave and screamed at me on phone.

She packed all my stuff right from my inners to all those that were there in inlaws house and couriered it to my parents house after that phone call. I had left india by then.. after all this i never want to visit their house.

If my MIL and FIL touch their heart and question themselves if DIL had done any mistake they will have a big NO as answer. My DH is trying to bridge the gap and get back the old way I was with inlaws... IMPOSSIBLE.
Max i spk with MIL nw is hello, how r u and then she says anything i say ok ok ok and give the call to DH.

swaram · Dec 22, 2009

I will apologize only if it is entirely my mistake. Earlier, I used to keep quiet for all their verbal/action abuse. that sent them a very wrong message that they can get away with anything, since I will tolerate it. If I apologize then they will go around telling that it was all my mistake and no fault of theirs.

There is no way I will say sorry uless it is 100% my fault.

Swaram

Rakhii · Dec 22, 2009

Glad that this thread is started. I don't have any fights with my MIL but she expects that I should be like a...submissive woman all the time. The fight actually started yesterday (my birthday). My husband was at work. My MIL lives in India. Its been 2 and half years since I had been married. Every 2 weeks I call her and talk to her. Not once she called me. But of course she has my number. (I know this for sure). She didn't call me even on my birthday. But she gives statements like "You are my daughter". In stead she called on my hubbys mobile saying "I didn't have Rakhi's number. So please convey the regards". I was upset. I mean its like my birthday! Couldn't she have put aside ego just for one day and call me?

My husband came home and conveyed the message. I told him that I am upset. He immediately got mad at me and didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.trust me when I say this, this is the worst B'day ever I had....this evening when I came home he hit me. he made it feel like he is doing it playfully but he really hit me hard. It still hurts.
He started saying that I don't respect his parents....no matter how many times I said that it is not the case, he is not listening to me. He said he will never speak with my parents...ever again.

What should I do? Please advice me...I feel so lost....I am sorry...i think this thread is about how you sorted the fight.

coolphani · Dec 22, 2009

I am 200% sure if at all we have a fight in the future it's because of her attitude and absolutely her fault. I don't normally start any arguements or fights with anyone and I would be the first one to apologize if the mistake is mine and sometimes depending on the situation I would say sorry if it happens that it was not my fault that we had a fight.
With the present conditions I would happily ignoremy MIL and live my life- in layman terms I wouldn't even try to patch up with such a woman ever !!
Trying to be good to her and patching up with her would be buying myself more trouble:bonk

sujanags · Dec 22, 2009

Rakhi,
Sorry to know about your last birthday's incidents. Don't worry. Next birthday we will all wish and keep you happy.

i would suggest you to talk to her atleast for a formality. This is a relationship anyway going to last till end even if we like or dislike. So, we also need to do some acting like how in-laws does. We are not great actors like them but still we should try. You start talking to them when you get a chance (don't need to over react) and be good to them not just because they are nice, its because you are nice person.

sujanags · Dec 22, 2009

coolphani - Thanks for sharing. I liked the last line that you have written. I laughed it when I read first time but feeling sorry now. It shows how much you have got hurt.