Problem with my in-laws

sasha16 · Sep 14, 2009

Hello indus ladies, i am a new joinee to this website. i am married for 5 yrs and have a daughter 3 yrs old. i am badly in need of advice , what should i do next?. i live in chennai with my daughter & hubby. i am working. Let me start from the initial period of my marriage. the problem starts here. my mil has told her sisters that i(sasha) don't know cooking , till that time, i haven't cooked even once in my mil's home.she lied to them. this was a big shock to me. whenever my in-laws visit my home( in chennai where me & hubby staying), my hubby's behaviour will change. he won't speak to me even for 2 or 3 days. initially i felt so bad, so i told to my in-laws, instead of asking their son the reason, they shouted at me and told my father that i am mad creating unnecessary problems.they feel that always their son is correct.i don't know what made them to speak like that.a wife can speak to her hubby during night when they are in bed. but if somebody comes from his home, he will go and sleep with them and don't speak to me for days. they sit together chat, laugh and i will be feeling alone.my hubby is very lovable to me when we both are staying and even a single phone call from his parents will make us to start quarelling with each other. my hubby's expectation from me :
1) earn money and give it to him.
2) should treat his parents as my parents. i don't get that feel bcoz they are liars and money minded people)
3) should spend more money to his parents and sil but not to my family.
4)i am not allowed to take any decisions. he is not matured enough to take decisions as always his decisions end up in problems.
5) call his parents & speak to them twice in a week ( but they will never ever call me even once and not responding me even if i speak)
6) always i should sacrifice for them(for the people who are not true to me)
7) speak nicely & softly to his parents( at times they even won't respond to me)
Expectations of my mil & fil:
They are basically from village.
1)whatever i earn should reach them.
2) they will always dominate me and i should sy ok to whatever thay say.
3)everytime when i visit should buy fruits, clothes and gifts for them. even if i buy they will not be happy with that.
4) my mil wants to have the control of my jewels and costly sarees.
5) i don't like wearing sarees bcoz of my mil she made us to buy silk sarees for 60,000 rs during my marriage (which are kept in my cupboard now for yrs).
6)finally they can't see me happy with my husband. their son should speak only with them when we visit their home.
i can't lead such a slavery life, so the problem is here.
my mil is angry with me bcoz i am earning more than her daughter and son in law.somehow i managed this family for 4 yrs. last year my hubby decided to move to bangalore as it is nearer to my in-laws home town and he wants to take them to bangalore to stay along with us. even i accepted for it thinking that my hubby has stayed away from his parents for 10 yrs, so let him stay. this is decided after acceptance of my in-laws to stay along with us.As i am in IT field, i got a job and i moved to bgl. after one month, in-laws refused to join us saying some stupid reasons.till date my hubby don't accept that it's his parents mistake in taking the wrong decision.i suffere a lot when i was in bgl: bcoz of climate, not getting proper food, hubby don't speak to me when i call him.After struggling for 9 months, i cam back to chennai, i thought all my worries are gone. in my absence, my in-laws visit chennai often and go for shopping along with his son. They will never share with me if they go for shopping.i am fed up with my husband's behaviour, now i don't have love for him, i just want to get rid of him and his family but the concern is , i have a daughter, i don't want to grow her being a single parent.so i am adjusting my life. last week my mil visited my home, my hubby didn't spoke to me even when i ask him for the reason, he keeps quiet. without knowing to me, my hubby spends much for his mother which i don't like. i don't oppose him in spending money but the only thing i ask to him is let me know when u spend and i will also njoy the shopping with you people. it seems that he gave some money to his mother last week and he expects me to buy something for his mother for festival.i bought her costly saree after she left to her home town, immediately my hubby updated this to his mother. this is purely a action of moneyminded people.
now my hubby asks me to leave him if don't care his parents with love and affection. i don't have love for them, they behave differently in the presence of his son and absence.he is torturing me mentally which i can't withstand. for no reasons, he keeps quiet and don't talk to me.
please advice me what should i do next?.

Priya16 · Sep 14, 2009

Sasha,

You have been married for 5 years and didn’t learn to ignore your MIL talking with relatives? I believe lot of people do it,if you keep on thinking about those words then you are the one who is going to loose peace. I never even care if they talk something about me to somebody. My MIL comes to my house and talk about my co-sister to my husband 24/7.So I believe she might be doing the same thing about me. Why do you have to care?
I think all the husband expect there wife’s to be love there family and for them it doesn’t matter how there family with DIL, even MIL beats DIL still husband want to maintain good relationship with his parents. So his accelerations are very much common to rest of the community.
Again don’t even think what your MIL’s wants from you. Don’t even bother to think about them and what there expectations from you.
Only problem, I don’t know why your husband want’s to stop talking to you when your In-laws are around. May be he want to show them that, he has all the power on you and control you.Can’t you ignore this and continue with your chores? Are’t you capable of handling this? I think you should tell your husband that you could handle yourself without depending on him.
I feel even though you guys move to banagalore,it’s good that they didn’t join you and god did the good thing for you .You should feel that and you shouldn’t crib for it.

I think whatever the issues you have mentioned are very common in lot of household and again before your husband you just need to talk sweet about in-laws the way they do about you before your husband and you don’t have to spoil your relation.

Coming to finances, is the money getting wasted or is your husband handle finances carefully. If not then you have to do something about this. Keep your freedom in your hand and work on it. But don’t spend lot of time on in-laws issues. Let them come and go and don’t worry what they talk to others. Just keep face the they don’t affect you any way.

Be bold and firm with your husband the way he handles you. Start some savings on kid name.

Lot of MIL expects to have control on jewel. They fear that one day we all run away with their son’s jewels (even it’s given by our parents). So don’t worry about that part much. Keep in your bank and don’t worry about what they want. Just think about what you want.
Overall I believe this is very common scenario in lot of families and you don’t have spoil your relation with your husband.
Even I have seen lot of times my husband mood gets spoiled whenever he talks to his mother. So you need to find a way in what thinks he will get cheered up easily and do those things when he gets call from his parents.
Overall you should able to handle these situation and even you escape from this kind of problem then other set of problem will be ready for you to face .

Good Luck and sure you get good suggestions from others.

Jeffreena · Sep 14, 2009

hi sasha,
im feeling sad about all that happened. take care. dont trouble yourself too much. from what you say i can see that you definitely wanna stay with ur hubby. then its ok to leave a single life than to have all those turmoils. you are worrying about your daughter but the situation will be worser when she grows. she might get mentally affected each time she see you fighting. and what if she is attached so much to her dad and at a latter point you feel that this relationship will work out no more so its ok to quit? you might also have to leave your daughter with him. so better its not too late. though getting seperated is not the right decision once you feel you wanna then there is no point getting struckup with it.

QUINCY · Sep 14, 2009

Hi Sasha,

Be bold enough to face these problems and never loose heart. This happens in all families. If your hubby doesn't talk to you, you don't talk to him when he needs you. This silent treatment will definitly work. Just learn to ignore your inlaws (they are only out laws for us). God has made a GREAT think for you as they're not staying with you. Take control of your jewels. Just bring the jewels to B'lore saying that you have discounts in the bank as it's very less to pay in B'lore. Don't ask for permission. When you go to MIL's place, you knew where they keep the jewels, if it is in the house just take and come and if it's in the bank, say you have to change your earring or some excuse and go to the bank and bringit. If they make any problem, shout and ask for bank people to support you.
Tell (only if any situation comes otherwise keep quiet become a deaf and dump)your DH that he has a girl and you have to save the jewels for her wedding and god will make him to realize the mistakes he did. Ask him to save for your kids' wedding. Have a separate bank account. If you don't have, tell some official reason and open a new account and save money. If your MIL is asking for gifts, buy something in gold so after her death you'll get back all the jewels :rotfl.
If your Dh wants to call his parents, call them when your DH is present and keep the speaker phone on and let him hear how they're responding. If they didn't respond nicely, you can show as an example to him. Just talk some unneccsary stuff like what you cooked, about receipes(ask ur mil's receipe and don't follow),talk about ur kid,school,etc,.
My DH is also like this doesn't support me. Now after 8 yrs and after having the 2nd baby , he is ok. If you have plans for 2nd baby you an go ahead. Family bonding will increase. Ur DH will have more responisblities and will show less attention towards his parents. You have already crossed 5 yrs of married life in another 5 yrs ur inlaws voice will reduce as they get old. so don't worry. Tackle the problems cleverly. I recently stopped talking to MIL I stopped as she doesn't want me to talk. They use to talk bad about my parents all the time. Now I'm happy ignoring them. SO, PLS TRY TO IGNORE AND concentrate on your kid and career.:thumbsup

About leaving your hubby IT'S A BAD DECISION. Inlaws will live for another 15 yrs after that you need somebody and you DH also needs someone to take care of. so it's a "NO" to leave your hubby. You work in IT and will be earning a lot and so you should be more confident, bold and clever. Don't loose heart for these simple things. After having my 2nd baby I became more strong and not crying or worrying for stupid reasons. You also will get it when time comes and keep reading forums from this site. You will get more answers and solutions to your problems.
GOOD LUCK for your steps to change urself.

maggi99 · Sep 14, 2009

Dear Sasha,

Your DH saying to leave him if you dont care for his parents is just to get a fear in you. DH cannot live happily without you and he knows that. Try to get your DH more affectionate towards your DD. So that he gets that feel that he has a family which he gotta care of, separating is not a solution and shouting does not help.

As far as your earnings going out of your hands uselessly - Make some investments in your nam /DD where in your earnings go straight to that. Make your DH spend for you and your DD. Dont keep speaking much about your inlaws with your DH then there would not be much value for your words with DH.

Most of the average husbands think that if they speak to wife well infront of their parents then mom would think that see my son has slided towards his wife. Husbands know its not right but thats how they behave. Be happy that they are not around you all the time.

Just my thoughts,
Take care,

Maggie

littlehearts · Sep 14, 2009

Hi all,

Some of the points given by our ILs are excellent...

Be bold enough to face these problems and never loose heart. This happens in all families. If your hubby doesn't talk to you, you don't talk to him when he needs you. This silent treatment will definitly work. Just learn to ignore your inlaws (they are only out laws for us).

And the entire post of Priya16.. also makes us learn a lot...

Every MIL expects in the same way... their son is correct, DIL is always wrong....

Also as one of our IL member said
Again don’t even think what your MIL’s wants from you. Don’t even bother to think about them and what there expectations from you.

Unless your DH is good with you... Don't care abt MILs.... silent treatment with every one works alot

sasha16 · Sep 15, 2009

Hello ILites,

I am feeling energetic after reading your replies. All these days i was thinking i am alone, now i feel that i have ILites with me to support. Thank you Priya16,Jeffreena,Quincy, Maggi99, little hearts for your valuable suggestions. This silent treatment is new to me. Everytime when we have a fight i will go and console my husband and make him to talk with me. Now i will follow this silent treatment. It's not true that only a women can understand another women but only a DIL can understand a DIL.

Thank you friends.Take care.