Reconcile with inlaws?

asuitablegirl · Jun 19, 2009

Hi friends,

I need your advice! I've already got some thoughts of my own on this issue, but just want to compare with your ideas.

As you might already know from my past threads, my mil caused EXTREME problems in my married life. To the point where me and dh were on the brink of divorce. Much of the problem was caused by my mil planting ideas into my mind that dh loved his ex wife more, etc. She even claimed my dh had tried suicide out of longing for his ex (never happened). Also, she constantly tried to interfere in every aspect of our marriage. My dh and his sister have both been divorced, partly due to my mil's horrible behavior.

But instead of confronting my dh, I let the resentment build for over a year until me and him were fighting almost everyday. To cut a long story short, I finally told him all his mom had done. He confronted his mom but she denied everything. His sister also started to bully me. He became so disgusted by what his family had done that he cut contact with everyone. That was over 6 months ago.

Since then, we have been living in blissful happiness. Everything is going perfect for us, and I'm very, very thankful for that. But here's my dilema. My fil was never really that bad to me. Sure, he stood by while my mil caused chaos, but if he stood up to her she would have made his life hell.

As you know, Father's Day is this Sunday, and I've been encouraging my dh to call his Dad. While my dh is completely disgusted with his mom and sister, I can tell he misses his dad. But my dh told me, it's not possible to call his dad without also talking to his mom. Both of us don't know what to do. My mil is the type of person who can cause turmoil in a second. She manipulates, fools, and cons people to get what she wants.

My question is:
Is contacting his family going to open up a dangerous can of worms? Is it better off we just forget about fil to avoid talking with mil/sil? I don't know what to do. I've made a promise to myself that if my dh ever lets his mom interfere again, I'll go for divorce. Even though I encouraged my dh to call his dad, I have a gut feeling that it might have been the wrong decision. I don't want to find myself single a year from now due to my own dumb advice. What do you think ladies?

skavi · Jun 19, 2009

Hi
so nice of you to think about your FIL.

This is the age of email , why don't ur DH sent him a e-greeting or pick a nice card and mail to him , may be after seeing these cards your FIL will call you guys and you can talk to him alone.

Have a nice day

laddu0808 · Jun 19, 2009

Hi Sweety,

I understand. If at all I am in your situation do this , instead of calling his dad to your place. I suggest you and your DH together go to his place and spend time with his dad. I am sure, Your MIL would be eratic firstly, but then, If you think you both wanted to show gratitude of his DAD, Its not a big deal to bear her and her sick attitude for coupla hours .

Incase this is not possible, Why dont you and DH call him over for a dinner /lunch @ some fine restaurant. Where every one could be comfortable. Keep your invitation open to your MIL as well. Its her choice to make it or no.

This is what I thought of .

asuitablegirl · Jun 19, 2009

Laddu,

Me and dh are in the U.S. My inlaws are in India.

MrsV · Jun 19, 2009

I swear the power of bullying MIL's can cross all 7 continents and seas.. :bowdown

It's very kind and thoughtful of you to even suggest that your DH, and I think it would be a nice olive branch from your side. Hopefully, they have learned something in the past 6 months (don't count on it, but hope) and see what happens.

If the 6 months only gave time for you MIL and SIL to charge their batteries up, just put the phone down and atleast then you know. If your MIL has any bit of respect for her son, she should already know that her son now has a family of his own, and the ONLY way to have her son in her life is to accept his family as it is, or its done.

As for your SIL, :twisted: does she live with your in-laws? Then it would be hard to avoid talking to her, but if she doesn't then your work is half done!

Good luck either way, but I would suggest taking the high road only because they are parents and no matter how icky they are, they still had a wonderful son for you!

Nandshyam · Jun 19, 2009

Why don't you use these online gift sites to send flowers, gifts, cakes.. whatever you want to send him with a personal message.

I don't know where they live, but we had used chennaiplaza site lot many times. They personally deliver the items, the message is handwritten in the card you can choose, they take a picture of them receiving and send it to us

Also in this time and age, everyone would have cell phones in India I guess. Call his cell and talk. Be frank and tell him, you guys are not interested to talk to anyone else right now, may be later.

Good luck !

laddu0808 · Jun 19, 2009

Oops sweetie..

I am not aware of that. Then you might try out gifting him something that interests him.

I mean you know.. You could possibly try ordering some flowers along with his fav gift online and get that delivered to your FIL place with a note saying You care.

May be some thing like that.. would make his day for sure ..

after all.. we need expressions to show them we care..

ValuableTime · Jun 19, 2009

ASG,

If you call your FIL, there is a good chance that your MIL will also talk (even if its FIL's cellphone) since she is waiting for a chance to destroy your relationship. So, what you can do is, call your FIL's mobile and while talking to him, let him know that you guys are about to leave to temple/ some party / whatever. So, when your MIL's turn comes, ask her the general questions like HRU?? Hows everyone there?? and immediately tell her that some friends have already come and you have to leave. Then, cut the call. Make sure that the phone is in Speaker Mode so that both of you know whats happening.

IF you think talking to them will create problem, then, As others suggested, you can also go for online gifting with personalized messages. Let us know your decision. :thumbsup

asuitablegirl · Jun 19, 2009

All of you have given good suggestions, but... there's a few problems.

1. My mil controls the phones. She answers the house phone AND the cell phone. My fil does not have his own cell phone.

2. My mil controls the email. She decides which emails to show my fil. He doesn't have his own account.

3. We don't send gifts anymore, because everytime we do they are dissapointed with the gifts. Sometimes they don't even mention they received our package! Gift giving has become a bitter experience since all they want is money money money (or as we were asked for once, a VACCATION HOME in Goa). In fact all the gifts I gave them when they first came here, they left back at our house. Unless the gift is super expensive, they don't want it. They are NOT amused by flowers, sweets, etc. Too bad their expensive tastes don't extend to their own gift giving. When they came to visit us, mil brought me an immitation gold necklace set.... that was broken. :|

Nandshyam · Jun 19, 2009

Hey,

This gift is for your FIL, who seems to be sensible I thought. Who cares what MIL, SIL thinks... If your FIL is happy that should be it, yeah?

About notification, as I said, these sites will notify as to what happened..