Attention please ----Both MILs and DILs

Triza.. good one !
I can only talk for myself. I am married for 7years, and even now i am not blaming my inlaws for anything. if they are ready to patch up with me today, i will do so very willingly too and erase all the past from my mind. So just like i do with any misunderstandings that i hv with my mom, i can do the same with my inlaws too, and hv been doing it all these years. but they aren't tolerant enough to pardon me for the small mistakes i do, and they just can't erase anything from their minds. my FIL still takes examples from my first year of married life, whenever he cannot comment on the present.

In general, it is only the lowered tolerance levels in people that I would blame it on. All this said, I hv had this question myself on "what really happens once you become a mil/fil??". i understand our possessiveness on our children surfaces, and it comes out in different forms. So i don't believe myself on how i would change 20 years later when i become a mil. i hv told my hubb that we will hv to attend some counselling sessions then, in order to prepare ourselves before our kids get married. i really mean it. i wud get myself properly trained and prepare myself well before getting into it.

 

Nice thought provoking discussion starter triza, Somehow my gut feeling is that the MILS who believe they shd dominate over their DILS wd probably be too chicken to even read anything in this website, or consider themselves above it... THey are probably in denial or adopt the my way or the highway attitude

 

Triza,

Just as there are different types of people in this world, there are just as many different types of mil's! Some are loving and sweet, some are mean and nasty. Sometimes there are good mil's with bad dil's and other times there are bad mil's with good dil's.

Unfortunately in our society, there is a premium for male children. I think lots of time birthing a male child becomes an ego boost to mothers and it sews the seed for becoming posessive later on in life. Just as many guys and their families expect the world during the marriage functions, that attitude extends into married life as well. It's hard to start relationships on the right foot when husband/inlaws feel a sense of entitlement and dil's and their family's feel a sense of indebtedness. Not really an equal start in my opinion.

Yes, sometimes a mother puts her own needs above the happiness of her son. My mil wrecked my dh's first marriage and she tried to do it to mine too. Just because someone is called "mother" does not mean she has a heart of gold. There have been women who drowned their kids in bathtubs and dropped their babies off in trash cans. Some mil's have burnt their dil's alive. So if mother's can kill, where is the question of breaking a marriage? Definitely the capacity is there.

The best dil's can do is walk into a marriage giving everyone in the family a fair chance. We shouldn't act on preconceived notions or stereotypes, because definitely not all mil's are bad! I have a friend who is getting married soon but has been dating her boyfriend 5 years. She gets along great with her to-be mil. In fact they even take dance class together and go shopping together! Just as there is a great capacity for hate in any relationship, there is also a great capacity for love.

 

Just example with my own mother.My mother is not a good MIL.What she says,we stayed with in-laws and we went thought lot of striggles but my own DIL getting away from all these and she is not taking care of us well..

Difference beween mother and MIL.

If I am in pain and sleeping on bed,my mother would take care of me and my MIL would make nice dishes for her son by ignorning me(ofcourse not all).

So here all people not talking about some small small differences-big big issues.There is lot of partiality and expecations on DIL's should be.I agree lot more bad DIL out there too.

 

Hey Suitable Girl,
I 200 percent agree with u... Btw, i've been reading quite a few of ur posts and am awed by the way u handle and tackle situations..:thumbsup I wouldn't be lying if i say iam becoming a fan of urs when it comes to getting solutions from u on such kind of problems..
And Tirza, what suitable girl says is absoulutely true.. Those who get loving mils, show really thank their stars. But as said by her, there do exist mothers who put their needs before their child's happiness even if means ruining the married life of the child

 

Tranquility, I appreciate your support, it means a lot to me for sure. Thanks!

Rihana, I agree with you 100%. After much thought I've started to believe 50% of the mil/dil problems are caused by standard stuff and 50% is cultural. Nobody wants to mention the elephant in the room... our very own Indian culture. But really it is the cause of a lot of problems in our relationships. The premium on sons, the over involvement of relatives... family dynamics are tricky enough without these irritants exasperating the situation further. We celebrate "family values" but truth is lot of these values are causing internal strife in the family. From the outside we look happy, but what is really going on inside? Hmmm.

 

Rihana,

You have said exactly what I was thinking but didn't know how to express, as always I would like to add that moreover, in our society, it's accepted that a girl would one day move to another home so I suppose parents (here I'm not referring to mature, open minded parents) kind of cling on the sons. And it's expected that the girl(s) who marries that son(s) would 'serve' them and act as they think she should. When all that kind of misfires and the parents or the girl (and in some cases both parties) do not handle the initial 'getting used to' fragile phase carefully hell breaks loose...

In this age, when everything is becoming globalised and therefore the family systems aren't the same as it used to be 30-40 years back, the parents (and sons) must change... there's no point sticking to the 'oh i was this sort of DIL and why can't you be' logic...

Latha

 

Hi,

I am DIL and this is my view:

I think every action and reaction is very circumstantial and the intensity differs from one family to the other. Some squabbles can be easily avoided, prevented or could easily be forgone. But, some could get really nasty and could cost you your entire life. It's up to an individual's discretion to decide on how to confront these situations.

" To Err is Human and Forgive is Divine" they say... but I think this proverb needs to be modified... it must have been "To Unintentionally Err is Human and to Forgive is Divine". How many of the DIL's are traumatized today because of their naive MIL's ignorance and innocence and they have done some thing by mistake? I think most of us here who are voicing our opinions are subjected to well planned conspiracy.

I think the first time I met my DH and his family. I really wanted to be a part of his family. Things began to change gradually as our relationship advanced towards marriage and things changed drastically after marriage... why? at first all they needed was a educated, good-looking wife for their son, then insecurity crawled up their head and then once I was married, IL's just felt they have me trapped and there is no looking back for me, so they can play their well plot one-sided game... I had to fight for my rights as a wife, for my freedom as an individual and to be frank this battle is still on... May be some day when all is well, my husband knows me, respects me and loves me with all his heart and his own mind I would forgive them but definitely would not forget it! I would definitely not be the one to chase them down the road... but until then I think I would keep going with my constructive combat...

Now, to your question...
-Will any mother purposefully plot to destroy the family life of their sons??? Its very hard for me to believe that

Yes it is very hard to conceive this fact as to how some mother wants to destroy a marriage of her own son... Its mostly the problem with possessive MIL's ... her possessiveness blinds her, she gets deluded and thus causes her to act so unreasonably... she just tries to cut off her nose in spite of her face! thus ruining everything...
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All MILs were once DIL also, then how comes they can change to a monster once their son gets married
I personally think most of the MIL's who are monstrous now have been monstrous DIL's as well in the past. They know how they managed to cut off their husbands from their mothers... they know they did it then,and now they don't want to let it happen to their sons... and you see we are the victims of their insecurity...

So thats my analysis! This is not to say all DIL's are good and all MIL's are bad, they are good and bad apples in every basket...

All we could do is " Be the Change We Want to See" !