What would be the best probable solution to end my woes?

Hi, to all the ILs and thank you for giving out all your valuable inputs to my situation.

To reply to what "Bangalorean" has written,since this is the last post before mine,
I would say that I do accept that at some point everyone in this world is sarcastic, however ,I am not crying here to gain some kind of sympathy from anyone here. I agree that every family has their own joke, but should that be always pointed towards someone who is a new member????

You stated that in your family you crack jokes about everyone and I am sure including your wife got used to with it since she found that its not a one way traffic rather its a normal way of making fun. But incase of my family, every joke is pointed towards me and I am pretty sure no one in this world would accept this including YOU.

Coming to this statement of yours,"If you have space in the kitchen, grab a book and read. Thats what I would make my wife do. Let your MIL do whatever. and slowly as days progress, help her with small things like cutting etc by being nice to her. Learn to praise elders my dear. Dont be proud."
How are you so sure that I am proud of myself and do not praise my elders??
Do you know me and do you know what kind of a relationship I share with my other relatives who are older to me or say with distant relatives of my In'laws??
Helpinging an MIL in the kitchen is not a new thing for a woman and I dont think any woman here spends their time sitting idle at their in-laws. The person who has never been through these type of situation, would never understand hence please refrain from such comments which you cannot even dream of. Men usually do not understand such situations when a woman gives her best efforts to please her In-laws in a new environment,a new culture, all new set up when everyone is hell bent on finding her faults and flaws and does not even appreciate her efforts.

Coming to your second statement,"If your hair falls, then get it corrected and be careful when you cook or wash. You want humans to eat your hair? Other than telling you what else can your MIL do? Eat it?"

This is a simple axhaggeration of what I mentioned in my post. These type of statement comes out when one fails to have sufficient knowledge about a topic and tries to prove himself/herself superior when they are NOT. Please go through the article where it clearly says that shedding of hair is a normal process when 100-300 hairs shed everyday in a normal human being.
(http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/3585/health/what_is_normal_about_hair_loss.html)

Very obviously you haven't understood the sarcasm in my MIL's statement that I mentioned regarding the hairfall. When a process is obvious for all humans , why only the DIL has to be held responsible for that? When every other member was present in the house, none of their hair fell and the house was sparkling clean however within a couple of hours of the DIL's entry the house became dirty with her hairfall?? Is that justifiable??

Anyways, to other ladies here, you all are right that I must refrain from visiting them anymore coz there should be an end to all these. We aren't born to get thrashed by our In-laws.
My Dh is trying to persuade me in visiting my In-laws this time within a couple of months from now, but I strictly told him that I am not accompanying him. He is free to visit them but not me. Lets see what will be the outcome of this. I know that my MIL will start shouting at me once she knows about my decision, but I have made my mind that I am not letting others to dominate me anymore....

You know what ladies, the "Washing machine drama" has happend with me too. My MIL too will not allow me to touch the WM as if there are some hidden trasures buried in that box. All my FIL's and my DH's clothes will be washed first. Then my MIL would wash hers and the left over dirty water should be used to wash my clothes as if I am some kind of an untouchable.bonk

My MIL would never allow me to keep my clothes in proximity with her sons. Can you imagine?? They want us to have kids at the same time, she does not want any of my belongings touching her son's.:rotflWhat a disasterous psychology!!! I cannot sit next to my Dh, cannot go out with my Dh, cannot sleep with my Dh. If I try to enforce things which they would not allow me to then I am the world's worst dominating DIL!!!!

Ladies pour in your comments.... I would definitely love to know some of the points from the book "The Gentle art of verbal self defense" till I buy it from the store.