Am I plotting my own downfall?

sandu · Dec 23, 2008

Dear ladies,
I have been playing the ignore-the-complaints game for the past few weeks. For the past few days I was happier than before n it showed in my behaviour. (I think it's due to the festivity this time of the year). My chirpy mood led to my own downfall. Now, I have more reason to believe my husband is a sadist.

Well, all of a sudden my husband started pulling me to a fight last night. He behaved as though he cudnt see me be happy (this isnt the first time I feel so). He tried many tactics which I would generally have fallen to. But I was patient n spoke very little.
Background: My previous threads.
1. My husband, as usual, picked this "conjecture" of his father that it was after all my sister who has been spoiling me. Therefore, he refused to speak to my sister and bil. He turned down their cordial phone calls to wish us a good journey to US. (Imagine how AFRAID a man 30+ can be of his parents. He is so afraid that he hid in the toilet when my sister called us). He also refused to wish them on their anniversary (which happened after our US return). I grew wild and have decided to be cut n right n teach him a lesson. After returning to US, I told him I m not speaking to his sister as long as he doesnt speak to mine. (We used to speak to his sis almost EVERY night. I had to speak to her at least every other time, otherwise, my mil wud voice her doubts abt my character to my husband). Now, my husband said its ok with him if I dont speak to his sister. (He thought I wud relent soon n he can continue turning a cold shoulder to my folks). I didnt.

2. My husband thinks my father n I betrayed him bcos my father is still in charge of my pre-marital savings. He told me he has been a fool to have been frank with me all these days. That is, he let me know details of his own earnings, savings, expenses, etc. thinking too highly of me. So, he would hide it from me hereafter. Also, he feels I wont look after his parents later n so, is planning to do all savings (incl house) in his dad's name hereafter. He also made other threats like he'll cancel my debit card (of our joint account) n my cell phone, internet, etc. in a bid to make me be submissive. I showed no interest in his threats n didnt budge. I tried explaining to him that what he or I earn after our marriage is OUR money n so we shd together decide abt it. While the same doesnt apply to what I earned before marriage. He doesnt agree. Strictly speaking, I worked for a few months after my marriage. We live a frugal life here, saving every cent we can. Though his income is adequate for the three of us for quite a good style of living, we restrict ourselves. My earnings after marriage has also gone into the mammoth bank account of my fil, in turn used up for their expenses n our housing loan. I didnt mind it. I have become used to his miserliness n am myself quite miserly now. We have literally no savings here. He sends every penny after our expenses to his dad in India. I have been comfortable with his dad handling all the money. I respect my fil n dont see a big problem, at least till their recent behavior. To put it plainly, my fil happily keeps the (substantial) monetary presents given by people for me in my presence/absence. (my dad sometimes gives money for festivals in rupees to him if he happens to go there; this is a Tamilian custom which they follow though I ve asked them not to hand over cash directly). Well, when in India, I hand the money I get to my fil as my husband does the same; thats actually my fault, if you may put it. My regret is, never once has he asked me what i want to spend it on...

3. My husband has been coaxing me to start working from April. He gave me many reasons, some of which were valid. Though I m quite eager to get back to work, I weighed the pros n cons n decided that it is still early. My daughter is just 1 n I want to wait 1 more year n give the max. care n nutrition to her by being a full-time mom. My husband wants to put her in daycare (his idea spawned by our paediatrician who wants her to mingle with other kids to make her less clingy to me). I take her to toddler playgroups, which is another story.

So yday, he went off like "What have you done for me? What have you done for my family?
You will realise some day that what you are doing now is wrong (not talking daily to his parents) but it will be too late then.

Just search the internet (!!!) and find out how a good dil shd behave. Find out what her duties are. Find out how to respect your husband and how to demand respect for him from others (meaning, from my folks).

I have made many compromises for you. Personally, financially (???), at work (???). What have you done?
Just giving birth to a kid isnt the end of your duties...

You go to work for a change and bear the family expenses. I will save what I earn for myself and our kid.

Tell me, how can I enjoy life with these worries? I want to take you out and be happy; but your behaviour doesnt warrant it. We do grocery shopping together only bcos it's essential.
Bla bla bla".

He told me a gross lie; that his sister's husband is mistreating her bcos I dont speak to her regularly. Now, I want a break from his insanity! How can he think I would buy this story?? I m offended by his behavior be this true or not. If it is true, I m offended bcos he STILL keeps repeating our conversations to his parents n sister. If his statement isnt true, I m still offended by his insincerity n lying cum exaggerating habit. He wont accept the reason that I dont speak to her bcos he doesnt speak to my sis. Now ILites, pls guide me here. Am I wrong in not speakin to my sil. Of course, I did speak to her once when she took the call. (I never insult ppl like him by refusing to speak). Though I have nothing much aginast my sil, she is one person who NEVER speaks to me herself. The only time she spoke to me in 4 years herself was to inform me my husband reached her house, that too, after i called her a couple of times to know it. Otherwise be it festivals or birthday, she NEVER calls me. But she would speak sweetly when I call her n of course wish my husband on his bday. Why shd I take the pains to speak regularly to such a person? She didnt even call me after I gave birth. Am I wrong in this little game of making him realise his mistake of insulting my people?

As usual, he told me he didnt like me chatting with my parents n m bro/sis. He told me that I do it on the sly. Which I really dont, bcos i've told him abt it. When I chat, he's either asleep (till 11 am!!) or in office. I cant chat when he's around bcos of time difference. Much to my horror, I realised that he is AFRAID his mom would be offended if I dont speak to her daily after her return to India in March end. Thats why he asks me to go to work from April. Well, what do you say to this? After beating about the bush, he told me the real reason he wants me to work from April is to "at least" prevent me from chatting with my parents n sis daily. Now, why is he so madly afraid of what his mom would say when I chat with her just once every week???

He doesnt understand that speaking to them once every week is enough. So, tell me ladies, isnt this what the majority of women do? All married women I have come across (incl. his friends' wives) speak to their parents daily. Earlier, I tried chatting with my in-laws almost daily. They dint show any gratitude. They only threw blame on my folks n my husband called me an ungrateful wretch. So, why shd I trouble myself more? I dont think my in-laws themselves want me to speak to them every day. But all the 3 of them definitely want me to speak to them MORE often than I speak to my folks.

In the end, he told me that he has been feeling terrible due to my behavior these 6-7 weeks after our return. He tells me that I've been taking advantage of him n threatens me that he'll call my father n ask him not to chat with me! He went to the extent of saying that I could have poisoned him instead of subjecting him to this torture (???) How do I deal with this idiot who speaks just anything to make me follow his wish?

I can clearly understand that he is desperate. He wants me to "prove myself a good dil" once more to his parents. Why the hell does he repeatedly ask me not to talk to my parents often and give importance to his folks instead? He would be very happy if I spoke to his parents daily and his sis at least twice a week. But I definitely dont want to distress myself by obliging. I have had more than enough talking to them daily.

My husband's lecture was stopped by the timely intervention of my baby's cry. Otherwise he would have gone on. I was resolved not to cry or show any emotion, but cudnt help myself at some of his accusations. When he found that I was moved to tears, he seemed satisfied. Then, he consoled me saying that I can tell him what was wrong in his speech.

Am I going wrong?? Pls advise. I dont want to hear such threatening or pleading words from him...
Thanks a ton for your patience.
Sandhya

Ria2006 · Dec 23, 2008

I got confused by the title of thread.. Downfall, plot.. seems like some major schematic stuff.. But your things seems like regular my parents, his parents stuff.

I really dont know why Indian couple cannot come off age and grow out of their parents. Why they keep looking up to their parents to resolve their issues? I do understand frustration with over obedient sons following their over indulgent parents' insane advices. But to some extent I feel that's only practiced by weak personality people, be it gal or guy. Only weak parents dont let their kids develop strong personalities which will outgrow any adult's intervention to solve their daily affairs.

I myself dont talk to my parent daily.. I just dont feel the need for it.. forget about in-laws. We talk suffiecient enough to keep in touch and update them. Nothing more... I also dont understand your logic of not telling about earnings before marriage. If your husband told it , then its rather unfair.. Marriage should start with a transparency rather than hush hush... You are right now being provided by your husband and he would feel threatened by tit-for-tat attitude all the time.

Marriage is not some war, where people have to play games to win their opponents. I would say simple and basic principals for any relationship buildign works well in marraige too.. But so often we get so driven by need to return the "tit-for-tat" treatment that we dont realise the damage it s doing to relation. Be the larger one, the greater one..and do whatever you would want your husband to do to your folks. I can vouch that after few months of one-sided good treatment and unthreatened behaviour he will see the good in gestures. No one is idiot to play aggressive and offender all the time. Its just false ego which keeps ticking males more than females..

Ria

sandu · Dec 23, 2008

Well, I have put what my husband described my actions as the title for this thread. He means that I'm (n always was) spoiling my reputation.

Thanks Ria for your reply. It is certainly thought-provoking. I for one am not a favourite of the tit-for-tat attitude. I adopted it as the last resort. If 4 years of regular speaking to my sil cant open his eye, what else can?? I began to lose patience.. thats why i posted here.

When i say that i chat with my parents daily, its for a short while, mainly abt our health, abt my kid n sundry things. I dont have time for long conversations, what with a toddler running around. I dont tell them what happens bet me n my husband. (After all, this is what i expect of my husband too: we shd respect our privacy.) And dont like to gossip either.

I did tell my husband my salary b4 marriage. He told me then that these things r of no interest to him as i was quitting my job in india anyway. My dad also told his dad that he has been maintaining my savings n will hand it over later on; to which my fil said they're not interested in it n dont want it. Now all of a sudden, they have developed interest in it n r accusing us.

>You are right now being provided by your husband and he would feel threatened by tit-for-tat attitude all the time.
I cant understand what you mean by the above. Can u pls explain?

Thanks for ur reply.
Sandhya

humerarouf · Dec 23, 2008

dear sandhya,
Relax and stop keeping accounts of who did what.
Concentrate on the good times you spend together
If your husband wants you to talk to his family often ,I dont think its a big price to pay ,you dont need to be excessively sweet if you dont want to be ,a polite word or two should be sufficient.Being polite cannot make you small and who knows someday you might make good friends with your sil.
Spend time with your husband and dont talk about money, parents ,in-laws.
These initial years of marriage are the most effervescent,where both of you need to guard your tongue and gestures.surely there must be some good qualities in your husband ,think of them
Discuss with your husband, about when youd be ready to work and why it is important that you stay with the baby for some time,

. Humera

asuitablegirl · Dec 23, 2008

Hi Sandu,

One thing I don't understand is, you and your husband are both adults, why are both of your parents still handling the finances in your relationship? :idontgetit:

I think if you can get your dh to agree to open a joint checking and savings account (that only you and he have access to) then you should also go ahead and take back control of the savings account currently being held by your dad. Also if for whatever reason money has to be sent to your dh's family, send it together and that's it. When I read your post it seems there's a lot of my money/your money type stuff going on.

I think your dh needs to grow up and realize he is a parent himself and needs to start acting like one instead of clinging on to his own parents for guidance. You also should try to do the same and keep family drama out of your relationship.

When family members see a crack in a couple's relationship, often times they try to take advantage of that and meddle. You and dh need to start being a UNITED team. That includes handling your adult responsibilities together without your parents. Tell your dh that you want to start doing this and see what he says. Tell him that if he is willing to keep his family out of your personal affairs you will also do the same with your family.

Explain that you will try to be a good dil but that after all the things that have happened, it might take some time for you to warm up to his parents again. With this in mind, don't force him to talk to your sister or anybody else who calls. If you want to be given the choice not to talk to his family, also give him the choice when or when not to talk to your family. When things settle down and get back on the right track, I'm sure he will once again speak to them when they call.

These are just my suggestions. I have tried these suggestions myself since I was in similar situation where families were interfering too much. They work pretty well, but only if both people are willing to agree to it.

Ok Sandya, I hope I haven't misunderstood your situation in anyway. These are of course my opinions only, so use what you can and throw the rest away. Best of luck getting your life back on right track! :thumbsup

deepshikha · Dec 23, 2008

Dear Sandhya,

You will get a number of responses here each with a different advice for you. But finally you are the one who needs to take a decision.

I am actually fed up of Indian women forums telling the female to try to keep up with husband's irrational behavior. Your husband sounds like a typical loser who feels happy to see you unhappy. These kind of people are actually those who have low self-esteem and try to gain confidence by putting others down.

My suggestion to you is talk to him straight. Tell him that it makes no sense that he keeps fighting with you over in-laws issue and how it hurts you when he treats you as a second-fiddle to his family. Tell him straight that this is not the way a marriage is lived. Suggest to him a visit to a marriage councelor so that these problems can be sorted out. If he refuses try to make him realize that with such regular scenes over in-laws issues the marriage will be on the rocks.

In my opinion no woman needs to take nonsense from her husband. The Indian society needs to accept dissent from women who are being senselessly abused emotionally over issues of in-laws!

I know it takes a lot of courage to think about the most extreme possibilities, but if your husband is not stopped now he will only grow more wild. A person who loves to snatch the peace from another just to make himself satisfied is actually in need of treatment. And this is what applies to your husband. His delusional ideas about you being poisoned by your sister and his abnormal expectation of you pleasing in-laws all the time need to be checked. You seem wise enough to see the sadist trait in him, don't just sit and procrastinate and spoil your mental peace. Involve your family and friends and get their help in coaxing your husband to go for marriage counseling. Do not just try to wish away his nonsense and ignore the fact that your marriage is in trouble.

Another opinion from me, get a job. Though your reasons to stay home are very good but not given the troubled waters your marriage is sailing on. Independence, financial and social, is extremely important for every woman today. sadly so many of us are completely dependent on our husbands and have to take the ******** they give us without complaining. Start working and keep your income to yourself, give some reason of saving for the baby to your husband, but don't let your greedy fil get his hands on your salary.
Once in the work force you will not only get a break from this nonsense, you might even make friends who will definitely treat you better than your husband. It might be very useful in future for you.

I know I will draw a lot of flake in these forums for saying this, but I do not understand why women here are always telling other women to go on pleasing their husbands even when they are thankless for your efforts. Why does an Indian woman need to senselessly go on pleasing and chatting with her in-laws even when they have no regard for her? Is marriage all about pleasing the spoilt mama-fearing brat? Would any of you ladies tell the same to a white lady if she comes up with a problem? Why can't we just accept a woman dissenting and voicing her true feelings? Are these marriages even worth it?

One good way to stop this nonsense in Indian marriages would be that Indian women start giving respect to their own sex.

asuitablegirl · Dec 24, 2008

Would any of you ladies tell the same to a white lady if she comes up with a problem?

Click to expand...

Dear Deepshikha,
Yes, I would have given the same advice I gave to Sandya also to a white lady. However, I do not believe a white lady would be having these same issues. Growing up in U.S. I have a lot of white friends, and none have anywhere close to the number of inlaw problems as we Indian gals do. It is my opinion that Indian inlaws are among the world's most posessive and vicious. :hide:

When giving advice, one has to keep in mind the cultural context of the person seeking advice. In a perfect world advice would be one size fits all, but unfortunately this is not a perfect world.

I'm not sure if you were asking for an answer specifically when you said "Would any of you ladies," so if you were just asking a rhetorical question I'm sorry for going off on tangent! I agree with a lot of what you said, especially the importance of getting a job and making some good friends. :goodidea:

Ok, sorry Sandhya for taking this thread off topic, just wanted to answer Deepshikha's question. Thanks.

deepshikha · Dec 24, 2008

"I'm not sure if you were asking for an answer specifically when you said "Would any of you ladies," so if you were just asking a rhetorical question I'm sorry for going off on tangent"

Dear suitablegirl, I was just being rhetorical, I meant it for all who would be tempted to tell Sandhu to be nice to in-laws. I have read tons of times in many other threads how girls advice others to pacify the torrential male/in-law. I myself got some of that advice in the past.

Anyways I hope Sandhu's problem is solved in the end.

drjp · Dec 24, 2008

Sandhya,
Ria, Deepshika and ASG made good suggestions and very nice points.
I would like to add:
- The more you keep talking to your families (respectively), the more you guys will distance yourself from the marriage. Number one step from both of you has to be stop talking (chatting) to your families everyday (why would you do that anyway?bonkbonkbonk Grow up people).
- Make it once a week thing with both of you around.

- Isolate your financial issues from families, what happened before marriage should not even be a consideration here. Leave it there and start fresh.

- If you are insecure about savings, get a separate account for yourself (could be on your child's name) and transfer a certain amount every month into that account. This way your DH will not feel that you are trying to control his finances.

Deepshikha hit the nail on the topic, but I do believe that if you want a change in the situation, you be the change (as in ASG's quote)!!

- Tit for tat does not help if you want a change
- finding solutions is better than assigning the problem to someone
- obviously, your DH fears his parents.....you cannot change it. It has to come from a professional or from within. There is nothing you can do to change it, the more you try the more frustrated you will be.

As you can see, your idea of not talking to his sister did not send any message to him. It actually worsened your situation.
Take care
DRJP

NandiniGG · Dec 24, 2008

My suggestion is go to marriage counselor asap.I am sure he/she will laugh at the immaturity of your husband ..he doesn't understand that he is a husband and a father now.I think he is still living in his bachelorhood and doesn't understand his responsibilities well.You are his primary responsibility and his parents and sis is his secondary responsibilty now.He doesn't understand that now his family is you and his children first.why he send all his money to his father.doesn't he have the capability of handling money himself?He is a grown up man now.Parents are second thing now...first keep your spouse happy..save your marriage.
This applies to you as well.your family is your husband and children then your parents and sis.You have to run your household first then think about parents.
You guys can not fight with each other and spoil your marriage over parents issue.

Somewhere in your post you wrote that according to him whatever he earns is for himself and his child.First of all after marriage words like "you" or "me" doesn't exist.This money is for myself and this is for you...this is funny.The only word after marriage is "WE".Whatever you do...you both do it..whatever he does...you both are involved in it and both have agreed on it.
secondly...its okay girls are successful now a days but still its man's responsibility to run the household.Wife's job is just for support.Its the wife's choice to earn or not.
If a man can not support his wife's and children needs he is not eligible to marry.First he should have made himself capable of running a household before marrying you.He can not say that you have to earn because i can not take your financial responsibilty.If he would have said this sentence before marriage...had your father given you to him.? no..because he is not eligible.If his earnings are so poor then why does he keep sending the money to his father.
I felt that you are not financially happy with him.You don't get enough money for your needs and still he blames you.This is a failure for him being a husband.I am not at all saying he must earn a lot of money but at least should not say that you have to earn for yourself.if his wife is not happy with him then he is a loser.
i am not sure about you..how does your husband feel this way about you..i feel you are at fault somewhere too.May be you are too egoistic or don't have much patience or you don't handle the situation well when he starts fighting or blaming.I am not sure but somewhere there can be a problem in your behaviour too.Let marriage counselor decide that.