PLZ hELP ME :-(

Hi Rupa,

Im sorry you are having this problem. I think if you tell your MIL anything, there will only be fights.

Is it possible for you to cook up a few dishes on the weekend and then freeze it so that there is something in the fridge for the weekdays? Just a suggestion. Or get hubby to give you a helping hand as well. He knows how much you have to work in the office and then come home and cook as well. Also, cook only how much you can do and dont go OTT. Dont try to make a lot of dishes or anything fancy. Just simple food that you can manage to cook in that much amount of time.

Love, Riya :thumbsup

 

Dear Rupa,

I could understand how you feel. Can you depend on your hubby to give you a hand on the matter? Only you know the answer well.

What time do you leave to work in the morning? Maybe you can try prepare your dinner in the morning and store it in the refrigerator. Once you've back then you can just heat them.

I feel strange why your mil is behaving as such. Try to talk to your mil in a very kind manner and if possible explain to her your situation and of course your expectation of her. May I ask, how is your relationship with your mil?

 

Sometimes we never know what is in the mind of our mil.

 

Rupa ,

What would you have done if your PILs wouldnt have stayed with you ?
Your cooking after getting back from office would have happend anyways isnt ? So consider they are not around and take care of your kitchen.
They are parents , Rupa but not to you. She has done enough of cooking all her life till now. If she suddenly became lazy , then leave it at that.
Expecting them to have the same energy they have between daughter and DIL is disappointment only, Rupa.
Do not throw tantrums because they do not keep food ready for you and your husband to eat when you get back home.
They have the right to be lazy now atleast in this age !! She has raised your hubby so that he is fit to marry you and that is it ! Her duty is over.
Now your hubby needs to ' help ' you in chores instead of ' mentioning ' that his parents have the world's energy for his sister !!
had they not been living with you.. you would have still gone to work, your hubby would have still come back from work early, he would have still called you that there is no food at home ( obviously. rather than making some quick eats and killing hunger for time being ) , you wouldve still gone home and cooked something after work.
Now just because there are 2 souls sitting on the couch infrnt of tv watching some daily soaps isnt going to make such a huge difference isnt ??
I do understand that cooking for 2 and cooking for 4 is a difference. But havnt our parents done it all their life ?? Adding a little more dal in a vessel is defntly not going to want you stand there infrnt of stove top it just takes a few extra minutes !
Compensate on certain things.. make quick eats. make one curry and let it go for like 2 days.
Our parents did not have tv in their times, Rupa ! So what if they are all excited to watch it now ?? For how long are these aged souls going to be around, Rupa ?? Think about it !!
Let them spend their last years in peace.. do not make it look like they still have a reason to live and that would be cooking !!
You will very soon be in their shoes .. So relax and do not stress out.

 

I am going to sound a bit harsh and I am not sure how long you have been married or how long you have been in the US.

I am a newlywed and before I got married, I never had to cook. My mom is just the best, and she works multiple jobs (day/night) and would make a full dinner for us and no complaints. I grew up seeing this and knew at some point, when my time comes, I would have to do the same and I want to do the same.

Coming to your situation, your inlwas live in YOUR house, and you need to make sure there is ample food in the house, not vice versa. I understand work stress and everything around it, you come home ready to crash but being a wife and DIL is not easy, especially an Indian wife and DIL. Your hubby, rather than call you and tell you there is no food in house, should have actually prepped something so you could throw it together and make it a meal.

I usually come home from work about 6 30, and recently it has turned to 7 and 7 30 - DH works late as well but sometimes when he is home, I know he looks forward to a homecooked meal, so I just bite the bullet and cook. Recently, I went to my inlaws place right after work, about 7:30 and DH picked me up from the train station and he said "my mom is waitng for you to make ____" and as irked and annoyed as I was, I had to go my inlwas and cook, and here I was thinking I would get a break!!

The point I am getting to is that it is your house and as harsh as it may sound, in the US, women go to work, come home, cook eat and sleep. It's just how the cookie crumbles, no maids, and even your parents and inlaws, they did their part, and now it's your time to rise and shine. What would you do if they were not home?? And I am not sure if you have kids or not, but your MIL is just enjoying her time with her grandkids! You don't have to cook everyday, you can order food and if they don't like what is available, there are numerous packaged Indian curries available in the market, make that for one night it will add variety. Making bulk items and freezing it is also great, you don't have to use it the same week, it will be available when you need it. Good luck!!

 

Rupa

I can understand why you're losing it - if I was in your position, I'd be having a mini nervous breakdown too! So don't feel guilty for having feelings - there are ways around your problem. I just want to make two points, and I am going to speak rather bluntly. Please don't take offence at what I say - these are my opinions and if you feel I am wrong, feel free to disregard what I have to say.

1) Is it possible that your in-laws don't know what you expect from them? In my experience, in the absence of open and clear dialogue, there is always plenty of room for misunderstandings. Your MIL spends all day looking after her grandchildren. Even though you work, maybe she doesn't realise you expect a certain amount of help from her too. Now it's easy to say, "She SHOULD know that she must help", but not everyone will automatically expend energy and effort without being explicitly asked. Maybe your problem can be solved as simply as this: you figure out how she can help you (within reason), and express this to her in a respectful way. ASK her if she is willing to help you with food preparation, and be clear when and how you expect such help. People tend to respond well to this kind of clear, honest communication of expectations. The worst she can say is no, and then you'll be right back here, where you started, with nothing lost.

2) I am always amazed at the level of babying and mollycoddling some husbands of ILites display, according to the stories I read here. Let me see if I can get this right: your husband was home with his mother and father, and he was hungry, and he had to call you to tell you that you needed to feed him when you were still out? There are so many things wrong and unfair about that scenario, it makes my blood boil. Yes, he deserves a meal after work, but you work too. Why can't he fix himself a sandwich or make some cereal, if he can't cook? It is my opinion that your husband is playing your MIL against you, and conveniently leaving himself out of the all the difficulty. If he wants something to eat, and he cannot fix ANYTHING (I find this hard to believe) himself, and he can't get his mother to make him something, then what has that got to do with you? Grownups should be able to feed themselves. In fact, if he gets home before you, and there's nothing to eat, he should fix something or buy something so the BOTH of you have something to eat when you get home. It's common courtesy and respect.

Like I said, I hope I haven't offended you. I just feel bad that women like you are expected to perform superhuman feats in and out of the home, effectively working two full-time jobs with no help or understanding from spouses or others who live in the house. I do think that if your in-laws live with you, they should be expected to contribute to the life of the household in some way. It doesn't have to be major chores, but some help is the basic level of good manners expected from all who live in the house. Just because they are retired, doesn't mean they should live as if in a retirement home. You can't force them, but you can ask them. As for your husband, he isn't retired, so he has no excuse at all for not pulling his weight. You need to set some ground rules and stick to them, or you will be in the middle of this tug-o'-war for many years to come. Don't let anyone take advantage of you.

Best of luck.

Ansuya

 

Rupa, You are obviously exhausted mentally and physically with the environment. I will say why dont you have some one cook meals regularly for you. I see you are in US. Here you have many people do that. I myself used to get food delivered when I moved to the present city.It was good and actually relieving as I didnt have to cook with limited grocery supply I had then.
It s a win win situation. Have some one deliver food for the weekdays and you can try cooking in the weekends.It is not that expensive and tasty too. It will also be relaxing after your work and stress will be reduced .Good luck.

 

It happens with almost every working women living with in-laws.When i was in India i used to feel same with my room mate.Instead of taking any tension...Why don't you keep a full time maid who could help your MIL with daughters in daytime...and when you come from the office..she will keep the tea ready for you and at least cut the veggies,keep the tadka ready and knead the flour..
The other ways are...cut the veggies on weekends and keep them in a ziplock.Make flour for 2-3 days and keep it in a air tight container.
My friend..she prepare the pyaaz-tamatar tadka and freeze it for10 days and keep the potatoes boiled.
Cook in pressure cooker mostly.
The other way is prepare the food for the week with your husband on weekneds and freeze it in air tight containers.Its very comfortable and when you defrost it and heat it...its fresh..Whenever i go to India i prepare all the food for my husband like this.
The most important thing is involve your husband in this...When your MIl see your husband involved in cooking..she herself will feel bad.

The best is....arrange for full time maids.

Don't expect anything from anyone.Trust yourself and your hubby and find the other ways.Whatever you do if your MIL interrupts...tell her...you are very tired...Its very difficult for you to cook after work.Be strict on whatever you do.

 

It is very irritating to go home tired and start working again. come on all of us are human beings and we defnitely need break, i agree with other IL who asked about why does your husband call you to ask for food, when he can also lend a helping hand (I am sure its not intentional,he just needs some education around those lines).

Actually my MIL does all the house hold work with no complaints, several times i told her that we will take maid for both cooking and other house hold chores, i even got a servant ready, but she loves doing it, so i let her be that way, i never insist on what needs to be done and all that, she makes the entire decision, simple but tasty home cooked meal , i help her on shopping, we go out together, i get her sarees when ever i buy for myself, we spend quality time together (our relationship was horrible last year, it has gotten better)

now when i look at my mom and sister in law, my mom is like your MIL. my mom has been working a lot to raise her kids, she used to do LOTS of work, we never used to help her (guilty for that now), she has come to a stage where she just wants to relax, but now there is baby at home now, and they need more help from her.

she is doing it out of no choice (hence i could sense that frustration in her realtionship with everything around her, sometimes she cries telling that she is being pushed too hard), my brother had got servants, and all, but she is just too week to exert even little effort. but she likes knitting, jwelry designing, yoga, meditation, for that energy from NOWHERE sparkles immediately on her, so when she says i am tired for work people do not believe her (its all in mind, she hates work, after working for so many years like a machine, taking care of everyone but herself, now she wants to take care of herself and people think she has become selfish, adamant cranky so on and so forth)

IT IS NOT RIGHT TO TAKE OUR CLOSE RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED. people should feel free to do what they want to do, we cannot/should not bind them in the name of relationship. and say your are my mother, so you need to cook for me everyday, come on a mother is also a human being, she is also made of flesh and bones just like you.

IF your MIL has some interest in watching TV or just relaxing, let her.
May be she relaxes thinking you would take care, (but she should understand you are tired also). try to work on a WIN WIN situation here.

If it does not happen please do not burden yourself with so much of stress, take a maid servant,take help from your spouse.

YOUR HEALTH IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT.