Is This Rude ?

It's a long mentally draining journey to free from a sibling who is manipulative and does things wantedly, not affectionate or cooperative. All the best, try meditation and mindfulness. Staying minimal contact helps often confront their behavior when they cross boundaries. I didn't confront much as parents get involved, I regret it.

 

It’s your sibling. Only you can tell us if it’s rude or not. How is their nature otherwise? Are they one of those totally scatterbrained, disorganized and forgetful type, or just only in this matter forgetful? If only in this matter forgetful, then are they also lil bit competitive or superior or condescending with you? only you know the answer.
Based on all this you can conclude yourself - was this intentional and therefore rude or was this is unintentional and therefore not rude.
Looks like your birthday is close to May long weekend? And therefore they go on a trip annually? That may be a factor as well.

Next year
Dignified reply - ignore the question and don’t respond. Maintain radio silence. If they call you be normal. If they wish you say thanks pleasantly and change topic.

Playful reply - send an emoji instead of telling the date or or or or

Shame them into changing their ways reply - when they finally send the belated wishes reply promptly with a hearty thanks! And mention how you made a bet with your dd that they would do this this year also and you won $100 or a trip to Cancun or whatever else comes to mind! Lots of laugh emojis
Any case take it lightly. Have fun with it. What is sibling if we can’t pull their leg eh?

Belated birthday wishes @mangaii!

 

I feel you can be a bit more overt about the silliness of their behavior. You can either use humor or sarcasm, to break from this cycle.

Next time he asks for your birthday, you can tell him that its not worth getting wish from someone who cannot remember birthdays. Another answer could be that you have told him multiple times and you will tell one last time and you will hold him accountable if he forgets. If he agrees, only then tell the birthday.

After that only respond to wishes with thanks, if it is correct. If it is incorrect, say that it is incorrect and nothing more.

 

Off Topic, but please please do this.

I remember when my kids were much younger, DH took them to his University and other childhood places he stayed. They didnt want to go first, I too thought we could have spent it at a fun place. To this day they remember. And we found a connect - with DH regaling us with snippets of his college days, his nostalgia, we getting to see a different facet of him , imagining how he would have been, his struggles, his dreams -- it brought us closer

If you sibling cannot remember the birthdate, sigh. Not to remember it on the exact day is forgivable, but has to ask when is your birthday --seems very strange
He/She should be able to scroll back the messages to see it atleast.

Hurts but learn to ignore - some people are like that only. Not worth a battle

 

I don't know exact date still belated birthday wishes @mangaii

 

@mangaii,

You can send a wish for your sibling's birthday with a copy of your diary where you have made a note of this birthday. You can write in bold in that page, "This is how it is done". That will provide subtle message that the sibling should remember it and if not, at least make a note of your birthday in the diary.

 

Well this was quite revealing. @mangaii you seem unaware of it but definitely there is some backstory or history here. I didn't mean current backstory btw. I meant backstory as in when you both were kids growing up. Your sibling seems comfortable creating situations where they can remind you that you are emotional, or a certain way. It's like they need you to be that way. That is the impression in their heads and they are only satisfied when your actions and reactions validate that pre-existing impression, when they are able to tell you you are this way or that. In my experience, they continue poking and probing till they get the reaction they crave from you.
Its about them not you. I too have encountered such people in my life. Not my siblings but older generation uncles and aunts who seem to think I'm perennially frozen at age four the one time they visited and then again the whole incident is recounted ad nauseum. Why they are like that, I don't know. I just know that this type of person exist. It's like their world-view demands you be frozen at some immature age and perennially act a certain way. It doesn't permit them to accept you have grown up, changed or evolved.
I do understand your pain. Birthday is very personal and sentimental. We may not expect co workers to remember but surely we expect siblings and close people to remember our special day. My sympathies.
You asked how to come out of this. Make a conscious effort not to give them the reaction they seem to crave. Show indifference. That's what worked for me. Silence, indifference or no reaction, short, polite replies when no other option. I stopped initiating calls or contact unless absolutely necessary. So don't reply to more silly messages asking the date. When and if they do call to wish, say thanks and change the topic. No expressing your feelings, this, that. I would also avoid telling them about upcoming events or passion projects that you are happy or excited about if this is how they react. Find other people with whom you can discuss such things. Maybe your hometown classmates, old friends, etc will be a better fit. Someone you can discuss these with openly, and who will fully reciprocate your feelings. I just feel your sibling is not the right person.
Once you clam up you will notice them probing more and asking more questions to get the reaction from you like I mentioned above. Just be firm and non committal. Your life will simplify greatly.

 

Next time they call, ask in a sarcastic way "how come your memory has started to wither so early? That every year you need to call and ask me? I thought you have a great memory!"
Or when they semd you msg for belated wishes, reply back with "Oh thanks! I thought after your call to me asking my bday date, atleast this time the wish would be on time! But nevertheless thanks for wishing".


Moral of the story : to stop/break the cycle, you have only 2 choices- to subtly hint it that you are not approving their behaviour or to be direct.

About them labelling you as sensitive/emotional - next time you tell them that being emotional means you are more human and sensitive to others feelings and empathetic. And that doesn't mean you are weak.

Please don't let anyone make you feel you are weak just because you are sensitive.
Most important thing - do not seek external validation for what you are unless you want to change something inside you to be a better version of you.