My Loving Husband Turned Evil

My goodness. I have no words to express my gratitude for all the responses from you girls. Big thanks to everyone @Sandycandy, @yellowmango, @Joyoflife, @DDream, @SunPa . And you @Rakhii where do you find time to devise a plan to fix my marriage issues and care about an anonymous person. I wish I know you in person and wished to have you as my friend. I truly appreciate you all and I am overwhelmed seeing all the replies. You are selfless and doing an awesome job. I used to be a lurker on this forum for all these years but it took me a long time to truly believe if this forum can help me overcoming my issues. Oh boy! I was wrong, no counselor would have shown me interests genuinely like you all do. Thank You!!!!!!!

Yes, I will follow your pointers and try to get back my lost love. I know I have to fix myself before blaming him. I have many faults too and I am not a saint. I cannot hide my emotions. I pour it all - be it love or anger. During the last fight, I didn't spare him and blasted him for his insensitiveness. Yesterday after returning back from work, he kept trying to talk to me about the last fight, wanting to sort it out but I was not in a mood to reconcile. This continued even in the middle of the night but this stupid egoistic woman in me stopped all his advances. This is where I am in dilemma. When he is apologetic,usually I give in and we both return to normal but we never find a closure for what happened during the last fight. Should I give in or should I still stand on my point saying - I am done entertaining people and I want to focus on myself and my family. This is what I am, this is what I can do and do minimize your expectations.

As someone pointed out in one of the thread which caught my eye -" But somehow, the "obey to his words" "respect his decisions" and then "slowly turn the plate around with lovely gestures and sweet smiles" bring one word to my mind - disingenuous. Or 'oblique'. And complicated
Why not keep it simpler. Play fair. Fight fair. Argue fair. "

This is where my conflict starts. I personally agree to the last line above and I also believe in equality between us and not ready to give up easily when there is no fault of mine. But he wants me to forgo everything the moment he gets back into his senses which is very difficult on my end. He would definitely prefer the first phrase - obey, respect, express lovely gestures and smiles.

As @Sandycandy pointed out - 'the true test of a decent human being is how he or she treats the spouse during stressful times'0. I would say he is 80/20 in this. I went through some really tough times and he was right there 100% supporting me and did not let me fall. Ex. I was in diff state working and suddenly received an India call about my mom's health condition and had no choice than leaving to India immediately. He traveled to my place same day for 6 hrs, consoled me, made me quit my job, booked my flight ticket, cleaned and packed my room, shopped gifts for my family on his own, took me back to airport traveling 6 hours again in the worst possible weather condition, all with in 24 hours. I doubt if I would have done that for him. Another incident, I wrecked my 2 month old Lexus SUV (totalled) and when he came and saw me and my child in the ambulance, all he did was hugged us, calmed us and took us home. Not one word of blame or criticized me for my mistake. Even my parents wouldn't do that to me. There were many such events. During my first miscarriage, he was the one cried for days and I was strong and consoling him. But during both my deliveries and recovery stage, he acted very strange and found fault in everything around the house, very very very minor things to even write it down and made my life miserable. I was crying hard the same night I came home with baby for some kitchen issue he was mad for, which was not what I expected him to be talking about instead of cherishing the new born's first day in the home. Yes his mom came for both my deliveries but I did not expect him to behave that way when I was at my most vulnerable state of my life. I was on my feet with in 5 days of my delivery driving in and out of the house. For the first baby, I was going to my physiotherapist everyday to fix my face and for the second baby, I had to pick up and drop off my daughter. He never did care about my health and assumed I was all normal although I went through terrible depression having his mom around ( its altogether diff story). This kinda mindset remained through out the first 2 years of my baby 1,we were fine for 2 years later and its back again with baby 2.

@Rakhii, I will start working on the first 6 points you mentioned and they are very useful. I know I have to be more organized, less stressed about kids eating and kids health and be carefree. After kids, I have become this anxious mom who is constantly worried about what ifs and what if not. I wake up in the middle and worry for some unwanted things and be stressed all day. He hates to see this person who is constantly stressed, angry, nagging and I realized these are the signs of PPD and I will sure seek help to fix myself. I reread your last 4 points again and again - Yes, I don't remember being verbal to him anymore. I don't know when was the last time I said ' I love you or miss you' or even reciprocated it. We usually write tons of email back and forth during any time be it a special day or not, but after kids he might have send me few and I have only responded. I realized we both stopped to notice each other actually. He stopped caring how I look or how I dress and likewise I stopped too. He will be in TV/laptop most of the time and I will be with kids and we both never made an effort to get back to our old life. Weekends we mostly go out and spend evenings in watching TV but it was never an intimate moment for both of us. I tried telling him, this is not a healthy relationship and we should get back our physical intimacy. His reply will always be positive but he will never take a step for it and even if he did, the timing would be very wrong. Also I am more stubborn in not letting go some of the bad fights and postpartum delivery tortures and I don't know how to behave completely normal as the girl he married to. I feel I lost myself and my true nature in these years - I was a carefree, free spirited girl and turned into one negative person. Any little criticism from him will blow my mind and spoil my day and I do not know the ways to take it light and go forward from there. I will first work on myself and I will sure follow all your points which gives me enough confidence that I can turn the table. Fingers crossed.

Also I strongly believe he is going through mid life crisis as well, as @Joyoflife pointed out. We moved to a new place and last five years, we missed our old friends and the social life and couldn't find any similar/compatible family here except some touch and go friends. Honestly the only family we go out and socialize is his family people ( I have not mentioned about the SIL yet - a snake in the form of a human) and I am getting to realize our old friends and their families definitely played a big role in our marriage life. Those guys were really passionate and take pride in helping their wives and kids and no awkwardness like now as my DH is the only guy who stands in the kitchen compared to anyone in his family. We are stuck here for some time now with no good friends and this is something we both have to work on.

 

Hi everyone,

I have received great responses from this thread but my life hasn’t changed much from the past except that I am back to my career and that’s only adding extra stress to my already stressful life! Please help!