Where Did I Go Wrong With My Parenting ?

This is great advice. I think with teenagers it's so important to listen to their feelings and talk about them. Make sure they feel heard and loved. Loving a teenager however must include tough love. Tell her I'm pushing you because I love you and I want you to succeed. Tell her that you know she can do it and remind her of her strengths. Continue ro insist that she keeps on the right path, follows the rules, and tries her hard. Set reasonable limits and follow through with punishment.
I heard about a method that I really like it's called choice theory. In choice theory, you tell the child- you have a choice to do this or that, if you choose do that there will be a consequence you will not like. I do not want you to have that consequence, but if you make that choice then you have decided it for yourself. These types of scenarios help children to consider the consequences of their actions and how they can effect the outcome of their lives.

You are doing a great job. She will challenge you and you will continue to be a great mom.

 

Divert her into spending time on a "new hobby"

 

@mangaii long time. It was the avatar that made me take a look at this post.
This title is a question that many of us go through a few times in life with different intensities depending on the issues. Just yesterday a friend of mine pinged me on whatsapp saying the same and I wonder we beat ourselves too much.?

You have got some wonderful suggestions and advice. the bottom line is that you should remember the best raised kid can become a wild brat with a lot of external and internal influences and never forget that your well behaved kid still is inside covered by layers of tantrums, anger,frustration and more.

The day we parents understand that our kids need more than a safe and secure home and that’s healthy kid means a mentally, physically and emotionally happy kid most issues can be sorted out

At 12 body changes create a innate shyness. If there has been even a mild bullying or adverse comment about her looks there are two ways they compensate. Either starving or over eating. They react and take comfort it it. At 7 my dd was ridiculed by a adult neighbor about her body hair and I found hair in our bath tub and her dad’s razor wet and my heart was up my throat thinking of what ifs.. that we talked a lot and now at 23 she is not bothered and knows how to handle these comments but the foundations were laid the day she shaved her hands and legs at 7. With pcos and other hormonal issues facial hair and weight woes are here to stay and how we teach them to handle now goes along way in upping the confidence scale. They are extremely sensitive and please do not quote anyone or ask anyone else to speak to them. It would work adversely. Find a way to breach the wall, it would be like you are hitting a brick wall at times but be there And you will figure what works. The clues are always there only we parents need to be patient.

Lying is out of guilt or fear.she understands and loves you people and is guilty and the fear of facing your disappointment or anger can definitely make her look at alternatives. The one thing I have told my kids I am watching their back (or my son says Amma has a 360 degree scope watch when it comes to me and sis lol) and I will kill for them if they are upfront and honest with me even if they have committed the worst mistake. It is better to come clean because Mistakes happen to commit more to coverup one mistake to end up confused stressed and the fear of being caught. So they tell me even now.

Attention seeking is seen in what you describe maybe we assume 12 she is adult and she can hold up well but this is the confused state when she needs you as her friend (but be the firm mom) , this is the age where moms and dd form bonds that are special. All it takes is open communication.

Studies can take a mild hit with middle school, body change and all the talks that happen at school. Just be firm on using net and phones and more. I was ridiculed in this very forum when I said my kids have to use the PC that is in my room and no access to smartphones nor games. But they understood the reasons and I recently heard them discussing how a neighbour kids was playing some violent game on iPad and what it could do the kid.. so there is nothing harsh or hard or easy. Your family dynamics, your kids temperaments and your equations define what,how and how much you are going to allow. My kids have a fb account after they started college and my son is never bothered and to help them not be tempted I have not been on fb. Even this forum my kids know I am here and they know what I do.

What is most important for us is being a better human being and the rest will be taken care of. And this is like the mantra of my home. Work at being a better human.

Opinions and responsibility play a wonderful role. Ask for her opinions, let her be responsible for her grades. You are happy with her 100% effort in whatever she does. For me as a parent grades,ranks were not important ever. It was always about them being happy learning and it has paid, a happy student finds a way to achieve and take steps towards what they want, they just need our support and acceptance of their choices. We discuss the pros and cons of their choices and also if we have a different choice the reasoning but the decision is theirs with our blessings.

It makes them independent happy kids.

You learn by trial and errors and it is hard and moe tough when you are clueless to help you kid. It is hard when you know she is hurting and reacting differently. These are the times you just hug her silently and comfort. No shouting, no timeouts..a simple hug and a rubbing her back can work a miracle where nothing else worked.find what is the actual root cause.

Eating junk,being evasive all this can be tackled easily when all of you start eating healthy make time for her and help her. After all parenting is a team work. A child needs a village to raise him. today atleast the parents in sync is a must for her.

Consistency is a must. And trust your child and yourself. Believe that your parenting is right for your child. No comparisons at all. What you see may not be the true picture.

I always have a standard reply. My kid does what he can do giving his best effort. So if someone tells me otherwise I lend a deaf ear.

Hang in there and you are doing fine..

 

we are always a work in progress @mangaii. controlling that spew of anger helps a lot remember anything that is spilled now has a way of scarring a sensitive girl. it is hard but we can.

my girl was a high sensitive and strong willed and we are fine now. loads of patience and being open and being there helped. vent or rant to a close friend who does not tend to judge you when you have hair splitting days..

everything will fal into place. you and your kid are going to be fine.

 

Op.....most of what I want to say has already been said.
Just remember ,our children are humans and humans are not perfect. We all want our children to remain the sweet angels we believe they were as kids ,but that is not possible. We are not angels ourselves.

Besides sweet angels would be such misfits in the adult world.
Your daughter is growing up and she will be an individual with goods and bads . We can just nurture the good in them and try to keep the bad away as long as possible and hope the goods outnumber the bads. Finally we will all have to accept them as adults who are not perfect.

Cut yourself some slack . We are all on the same boat. The issues may be different,but the challenges are the same .