Ways To Deal With Feeling Lonely (in-laws Visiting)

MindVoice · Jul 5, 2017

My in-laws are visiting us, and they've been here barely a few months, and I'm already going crazy with boredom/loneliness/miscellaneous other emotions.
Its not their fault - despite having a few rough experiences with them previously, this time things are manageable with them, touch wood...It's my husband. He wants to spend time with them - make them feel well cared for, and, in the process, is ignoring me. I don't mind him spending time with them even one on one, but no time for me?!! I'm losing my mind over it.
He has little free time and none of that for me. Not even a casual conversation, a smile..nothing! I am talked to regarding practical concerns - stuff to do, instructions..(plenty of that from all of them), that's it.

Probably a lot of men behave thus when parents are around, but I can't accept it : why do you have to forget your wife? Why can't you take care of them both? I'm not talking about long deep romantic conversations, just casual things the way you normally talk?
Its unfair that women never treat their husbands thus, but have to be on the receiving end of such treatment!

I have talked to my husband about this, with little luck. It took a lot of explaining to ensure he didn't think it was a me vs his parents thing - he still thinks its that somewhere in the bottom of his heart, despite how nice I am with them.

So, I'm trying the think of ways to keep myself happily occupied and not get bothered by his unintentional aloofness. Problem is I am busy most of the time with housework and toddler-care (SAHM), I don't really get to 'enjoy'..
What can I do to stay cheerful?
And how do I gently nudge my husband into chatting with me so I don't feel alone? (i've tried initiating conversation etc, no luck there)

P.S: This is probably such a minor issue for many people, but for the home-restrained extrovert that I am, this is a direct hit. And its making me deeply resentful and teary, because I am not being heard, have no one to share stuff with and feel my whole existence is meaningless.
Plus, I am scared. We had painstakingly improved our communication after facing major issues, and now here is everything going back to square one!

mallepaddi · Jul 5, 2017

Hi,
When people are around, how you feel you are left alone. You too join with your husband and converse with your in-laws. You will see positive change in your husband's behavior towards you.

ashneys · Jul 5, 2017

Maybe due to the past rough experiences, your dh is being extra careful. So things stay calm till they are there.

Some people do behave differently according to situations. Many don't behave the same at office, outside, friends, family.. so your dh may behave like this because his parents are there. N may think that if he interacts nicely or romantically with you, his parents may be offended and in turn, they may be rude to you and then it turns to a whole big fight. At a traditional home, a wife n dh still doesn't sit together if in laws are present. Apart from any of it being right or wrong, it's just their way of life.

Few things for you to try..
Follow a schedule to take your baby out every evening for a stroll or to the nearby park / playground. Talk to your baby and spend time outside.
Meet a few others ladies in your neighbourhood that way.
If no one is there, listen to some music.

At home, is it possible to talk friendly with atleast one or both of your in laws?
You can ask about their past,
relatives gossip (this is a winner),
or cook something together (like making home made Murukku or something).
If your dh sees you all friendly, he may join in too.

Just be a lil patient rather than causing any more damage, as you crossed this hurdle before, you can do it again. Btw How long are they staying?

Sandycandy · Jul 6, 2017

I can relate to this to a certain extent when my inlaws visit , but my take on this is different. I don't communicate well with the in laws , so it works best that the husband spends time with them ( they see each other once in one or two years). I spend my time cooking, pursuing my hobbies , catching up with friends or working late. Of course most of it is to avoid confrontations , but I get a lot of "me" time and I don't mind it actually. I am normally super productive at work when they visit
This also happens when I visit them, husband gets quality time with them. This also takes care of my guilt of not being too cordial to them .
Why don't you take the baby to the park and spend some time with other friends? I cannot imagine being at home with IL's around 24/7 , so you need a break from them as well.
I think husbands try really hard to please their parents because they are guilty that their spouse does not get along with their parents. So I assume that's why your husband is going out of his way to be the good son. Once the parents leave, make sure that the "son " takes a backseat and you get your husband back.

kcb · Jul 6, 2017

Is it a feeling of loneliness or insecurity? Check, may be you are feeling insecure because your husband is spending more time with his parents. As you know, they stay with you for few months, so let them enjoy the time with their son. You spend time with your kid and same way let in-laws spend time with their son. Your husband has a responsibility of making them feel comfort as they came to your place to stay with you. Just try to understand the situation from his point of view.

You also try to spend some quality time with in laws, take them out for walking or shopping, sit with them & talk to them. Treat your in laws same way as you expect your parents should be treated when they visit your brother's place.

Brevity · Jul 7, 2017

Don't let your husband know that you are pining for his attention again since that is not creating any desired effect.

Instead, steal whatever little time in between. Send naughty, funny, personal messages in tiffin boxes or phone. When he is in conversation with his parents you join him as well. Try to be genuinely interested in it. Throw in knowing smiles here and there. Steal a quick kiss when he goes out the door or comes back from office. Make night times and early mornings more fun. Use your imagination and creativity to share some good times.

If your in-laws were here only for a week or so you can put up with this. If they are going to stay for months you need to do something other than complaining to him about his shortfall.

blissfulmember · Jul 14, 2017

Dear OP,
Calm down.. Take a deep breath.
Things will not go worse.. But your constant thinking and worrying might make it happen.

Just be the best you can. Shower your in-laws and your hubby with love.
Be cheerful, mindful your thoughts. Your actions will fall in place.

Mindfully shift your focus on being a seeker of attention to giver.. u will eventually get back in return.
Belive me. Karma works

MindVoice · Jul 23, 2017

Okay folks, update time..and some clarifications..

kcb said: ↑

they stay with you for few months, so let them enjoy the time with their son. You spend time with your kid and same way let in-laws spend time with their son. Your husband has a responsibility of making them feel comfort as they came to your place to stay with you. Just try to understand the situation from his point of view.
You also try to spend some quality time with in laws, take them out for walking or shopping, sit with them & talk to them. Treat your in laws same way as you expect your parents should be treated when they visit your brother's place.
Click to expand...

This has been my mindset too. And I mingle pretty well with my in-laws too : am attentive to them and their needs, and am respectful and polite and have conversations with them as well.

In-laws don't seem to have a problem with H. talking to me or anything - they seem okay..not the jealous MIL case either..So I have no idea why my husband avoids any sort of conversation with me. It's not just when they are around - he doesn't even feel like reaching out to me or spending a few minutes with me even when they are sleeping etc. And if he DOES talk to me in front of them, it is to convey some information, or to make a dig at me. However, he is not at all like that, otherwise ie when they are not here. Very confusing behaviour.
Point is, we had communication issues previously, which was heightened at their previous visit. After they left, we had some major showdowns because of it, and managed to work through it. With a lot of effort on both sides, we'd come to a comfortable place since a few months now.. And now, it feels like back to square one!

Tried talking to him, wishing him, saying affectionate byes etc, showing care (not PDA - he's averse to it) ...nothing worked.
So finally, I just let him be. I don't pester him for attention, nor do I act as if I'm ignoring him - I just stay at a cool distance - talking amicably but not too involved. Just trying to be concerned about my own emotions and happiness only. Couple of times he spoke okay, I spoke okay but that was it - and I kept my cool. Then I started messaging him once or twice at work (don't get time more than that)..just to keep a means of communication open..
And that's how it is.
I'm more peaceful, yes, but I am still painfully bored/lonely.
And with a tight schedule of cooking and toddler care, and homebound with in-laws, I desperately need ideas to keep myself cheerful and humming.

Deborah · Jul 26, 2017

Can't say anything about why your Husband is being like that. Men are weirder than women.Better let him be the way he is.You have tried everything pretty much. I can give you few tips about the boredness though. If you drive,put your toddler in the car seat and your in laws in the car and go to a shopping mall.Malls usually have a play area. Ask your In laws to enjoy shops while you can watch your kid play. Or make the FIL stay with the kid and you explore the shops with MIL. You can also take them to parks around your residence. Next idea- most Indian restaurants have lunch buffets . Why don't all 3 of you go and enjoy the buffet (along with the toddler) ? Leave the husband in his office , lol. Next option, download or stream any recent desi movies at home and watch it with your in laws.Next option, if they don't mind babysitting ( which I am sure they won't) leave your toddler with them and go to the parlor .Next option- plan a party for both of your friends over a weekend and tell your husband and in laws that you want to have a small party for your in laws.It will work wonders plus you will meet your friends too. Don't worry about the husband's behavior . He will be either fine in some days or will be out with what is bothering him. I have noticed that Husbands behave very differently when their parents are around.If it is any comfort, this has happened with me too.

MindVoice · Jul 28, 2017

@Deborah Thank you, those are some great suggestions... made me realise that I need to get a life.. Right now, my whole day revolves around preparing food for the adults and baby and then serving them/feeding baby..repeat..until bedtime. Throw in some post-cooking clear up, and doing dishes to the mix, and a few diaper changes and brush/bathe baby, and my day is over. I do manage to pull my MIL for a walk, citing the baby's sake..
We all do go out during the weekend, mostly for lunch/temple. Somehow that doesn't really feel that relaxing - I think I need an overhaul in my day-to-day life.
Sorry if this is going off the original topic.. but somehow it feels related.. A taxing(mentally) routine + husband's aloofness + no contact with family and friends (again because of the routine/responsibilities and time zone differences) =