Should I Confront My Mom?

Well said !

 

Adjust Kaise karathe hain ? Hame bhi Sikhao!
I have not had a traditional upbringing and neither are the IL's traditional. It's a clash of different personalities ( both strong headed) and me trying to be a considerate human being . The other thing that makes it tougher is that the husband puts up ( beautifully) with my family that has been equally tough to deal with it. Ofcourse if either of us were denied food, I am sure we would both explode !
Sorry OP , did not mean to hijack your thread !

 

Yes, and food is one thing Indian families are good for (or are supposed to be).

You're pretty traditional. Don't you remember how valiantly you came to the defence of the tired old mother in the thread where we clashed?

 

Not sure yet how that qualifies with being traditional , I had a hunch you would say this, though !

 

Hotel.

PS: Can I just say, I loved your "Intimate Enemy" thread. It really deserves more attention, participation and praise.

All our good wishes are with you, brother.

 

Staying in a hotel is not a western solution anymore. I live outside India. So, on our trips to India - first few trips we stayed with my in laws - where first few days will stay with them, then me, my husband and our two children will go for tour to different cities in India itself. At the end of the trip we will come back to my IL place, stay for a night and will fly back home. Then, as our children grew big, on one such trip my husband phoned his father that we all are coming for a vacation but this time will stay in a hotel as children are more comfortable there. Now we go, stay in a hotel, go to ILs place with lunch or dinner packed from hotel for all, eat together, and come back to hotel. I don't have any such problem with food, etc. but this way we all get our space.

 

Op, I dont think confronting mom is going to work. It may create more problems.
Handling the situation diplomatically, may work as you are there for less than one month. May be you can tell mom to take rest while you are there so that your wife can cook what she wants.

"My mom is horrendous in planning. She either makes too much food or too little " - She has been cooking for many years and she don't know how much to cook!!!... I don't believe this. She is doing it consciously for sure. If food is not enough, one can adjust may be for one or two days, not for one month . Next time if this happen, you/wife can order food from outside or cook something else (fast items are possible). Something should be done instead of eating scraps. ( look like your wife is very adjusting.. good for you.. but it is too much. If I were in her place I will cook something special for me/order food and eat in front of MIL , will neglect all her tantrums, if she show any, I dont care)

Other option may be to stay two or three days in your place and your wife can enjoy rest of her vacation with her parents or relatives. or you both can visit some place in India so that you have to stay for minimum days in your own home.(if we have three weeks, one week in your place, one week in her home and one week for travel )

"My mom puts silly hurdles on simple plans that my wife has, like going to temple or going for shopping or for going for having a chaat item" Dont ask her permission. Just go.. Instead asking in advance like 'mom can I go to temple or we will go to temple ', you guys get ready and announce in the last minute that mom we are going to temple. ( slightly ignore her reactions, she may feel bad,but slowly she will adjust. if she say something just listen and ignore.)

Op she is your mother, if you dont know how to handle her cleverly who else can do it. Your situation is like 'between the devil and deep sea', I know... but you can figure it out. May be you should talk to your wife on the possible scenarios and get some solution before hand, so that you two will be mentally prepared. As you cannot change your mother, better learn to ignore her unnecessary tantrums. Listen to her, add more love , but do what you want to do for yourself and let your wife do what she wants... be diplomatic

Just imagine you are in your wife'a home and her parents behave this way to you. Will you tolerate it. will you stay there for a minute. I am sure you will not..Everyone expects woman to adjust ....all the time...