Cannot Feel Love Towards My Mother. Am I Wrong? If Yes, What Should I Do?

Dear Shabnam,

Hugs to you. I can't even begin to feel the pain you go through and can understand your feelings. You are certainly not to blame for feeling that.

However, even though is educated and works, it does not necessarily imply that he or she is open minded. What people get in college are qualifications. The real education they get is from social interactions and opening up of the mind. Your mother belongs to a generation that was not that open. I can't imagine what circumstances made her react the way she did, though there is no denying that it was wrong. Many women in the past behaved in unacceptable ways because they did not have control over their own lives. It does not justify traumatizing the children, but then that is how it was and it is all over.

I can understand that you might not feel any genuine love or affection for her, but just let bygones be bygones and just treat her with whatever courtesy you would accord any elderly woman.

I hope you find strength to heal fast and to move forward.

Congratulations, your post has been nominated by @iyerviji for FP.

 

It is a really sad situation. I feel you both should sit and talk it out. Maybe there should be somone close to you, maybe your younger brother or someone understanding with you both. Maybe talking frankly and objectively will help both of you. All the best, Lakshmi

 

@ShabnamF it is ok to feel low. Why do you expect her to say she understand, maybe she can't. It happens sometime a child is so beyond the comprehensive understanding of the parent that they find it difficult. How i wish parenting, and relationships come with individual manuals making it easy for all concerned.

As a parent of a adult daughter, i would say that maybe calmly tell her "ma, i want you to listen to me without interuptin. I was hurt. I had this issue you reacted harshly..." vent it out calmly without raising your voice. If she comes back to say you could have told me then maybe you will feel better else you tried.

But honestly, she is not going to realise. Her fear that you are restless and your younger brother moving away maybe the only reason she is pulling you into the loop saying she is sorry.

Please take your treatment and meds seriously.
How about throwing a googly...just tell your parents, that there is a chance of onsite trip for 3 months and vet their reactions. Your cues to react and act and decide will be frome that. You are your priority.

Go and listen to some nice music and go out.. have some fun.

 

The one thing we all crave is love. Especially when we are hurt, we look for support from our loved ones. No wonder it pains you that much.
But it is as it is. You have no control over her, but you have over yourself. Slowly try to accept her. She is your mother but she is not your responsibility, you are your responsibility. Take care of yourself, put your needs first , always. If others are not happy with that too bad...
Your mother has herself besides your father and two sons who should be taking care of her. I think if you ignore her for sometime she will probably understand the hurt you go thru.
Only do stuff for her that YOU want to do. Stop doing stuff for her because she will feel bad or you will feel guilty for not doing.

 

Shabnam, I feel you. You are really strong and compassionate.

Not to hijack your thread, but whenever I felt any resentment towards members of my family for any reason, i used to feel guilty thinking something is wrong with me. I felt I was the only person who had such thoughts. But off late , i have realized that , if I am not happy , I cannot make others happy, whoever that may be.