To Divorce Or Not To..

Thought a little more about this.. Gender Hypocrisy of indian marriages that many of us are (even I am ) guilty of. Sorry if this digresses the thread..

1. Woman expected to put her desires on back burner. Man can get away with putting his desires on the front burner. The level of altruism expected for women is not the same as that expected of a man.

2. Man abuses a woman because he suspects cheating. It's only natural we say. While a woman is expected to forgive if a man cheats let alone abuse him in anyway

3. Woman is expected to think of her child before accepting another man but man can get away with a second marriage under the pretext of getting a mother for his child. It is equally hard for a child to accept a new mother.

4. Man has low libido, woman is expected to adjust and live with it. Woman has low libido, society advises her to up her libido else her man may go to other women. He is only being a man..

5. When a woman chooses another man, we inform her of the risks and ask to tread carefully, while all these inherent risks exist in the first marriage too..

 

Is it possible to initiate a poll where IL'ites might vote ?
1. OP keep man-1, and muddle forward with life.
2. OP leave man-1, and go forward with her life with man-x
3. OP leave all men, and live with her son.
4. ________________ (some other write-in opinion)

 

Let me address the points you mentioned with respect to OPs case.

Nobody told the OP to put her desires on back burner. If really we talk about gender equality, then always expecting the man to initiate sex is also unfair! Why can't woman initiate? Why does she expect to get pampered, wants compliments for her mehendi, looks etc. . . Do we women pay compliments to men that often? How many of us would be happy to initiate sex and let man not initiate?
Lets be fair, we women love to get conpliments and we want our men to initiate the sex most of the times though sometimes even we do initiate.

Nobody whethr man or woman will remain calm after knowing of the untrustworthy acts like EMAs in marriage. It rather depends on individual behaviour on how one reacts to it. And psychologically, men are aggressive than women. It is not something one has control of but ofcourse it doesn't give anyone any authority to abuse physically.

If it was a case of abusive,irresponsible, insensitive husband then most of us would have told OP to leave her man and take custody of the child and live happily with man2. Because in that case, if the child was left with his father, it wouldn't be in the best interest of child's growth and welfare.
Here, since the husband is a good father and a faithful husband, and responsible person, hence it would be wise to think about her child's welfare and not detach him from his loving father just because his father doesn't have sex with his mother!

Well, yes, partly the society is to blame and partly it is the men's psychology. Even scientists and psychologists will tell that men generally have high libido (blame his hormones lol) than women.
But i will agree this point as even when I had low libido i was advised by elders to satisfy my husband to strengtgen our bond.
Yes having high libido than man will be difficult to deal with but very rarely a couple will have a matching level of libido. Usually in 90% cases, one will have higher desires than another. Being a committed couple, both should analyse and adjust.

Again, I would say with respect to this case, here OP is risking her stable married life with a responsible man and father to their kid in exchanhe of sexual pleasures and lovey dovey romance from another man whom she barely knows for 6months.
Before marriage these risks are there, agreed. But after few yrs of marriage, OP is in stable marital bond except sex.
In this case, man 2 may be great in bed now, but wht is the guarentee that he will be great in every other aspect after several years of marriage? What if he too turns out like her husband?
Hence here op is advised to tread carefully in the better interest of her future.

 

OP, your desire for physical intimacy started with Man2. Before that I don't think you really were greatly bothered by it, even if you were, it was not that important. It is important now because you got it from the second guy and you want to keep it. Please realize that you cannot have the best of all worlds. Somewhere you need to compromise. Lifetime supply of sex cannot compensate for lifetime supply of pure love. Your husband loves you, wants to make you happy, but cannot do it because of his physical problems, would you rather let go of love for physical happiness which may last a decade at most? Or would you opt for lifelong companionship that will you bring you happiness in the future. I won't suggest that you try to approach your husband as others have suggested. It will bring you disappointment and give your husband more stress. What you should do is keep away the second guy for he is nothing more than a distraction. What you are experiencing is not love but a surge of hormones. Please realize that before it is too late. You cannot get out of Man2 what you got from your husband, but there is a chance that you will get what you got from Man2 from your husband. Even if you don't get it, it is not worth going to the second guy. Think about your son - someone who can see and understand that mom and dad are fighting can also understand that something is wrong when they start living apart from one another. Why destroy your healthy state of mind for a fleeting attraction? Why destroy happiness of two individuals for your own momentary happiness? Please please cut off the second guy before you permanently close the gates to your happiness.

 

Amazing that there is yet new thoughts on the matter...#138 is good.

 

Well said!!
I agree with you.

 

Dear Ladies It seems that OP has yet to give her reply on how the situation is better or has not changed. I know it may sound weird but at the end of the day OP herself needs to take the final decision whether to stay and make her marriage work or leave and hope that her man2 is just like his husband

 

Dear OP,

Please come back, waiting for your replies.

I had a friend who went through your exact same situation.
I will tell you what was her ending, so that at least you know what are the possible endings to your Love story.(Man 2)

My Friend was very young when she got married to this Guy 1. She was 21 years old. He was the nicest guy at that time took care of her well and it was a love marriage. According to her, Guy 1 was bad in sex. She was someone who is a high performer but at that time did know find the sexless issue n" a problem." It became a problem when she met guy 2 who is her husbands friend. Guy 2 was single and all partied together. That's when she developed an interest for Guy 2, and same with Guy 2. Secretly they were having too much fun. Husband came to know about it...long story short it ended in divorce.

GUY 2 was very loving, romatic, nice, protective, sexually active with this girl, but when it came to marriage, he was not into it since he was Single and the girl is a divorcee. That culprit did not have intentions to marry her.
She was in depression, and after 1 year, met Guy3 in her work place. She was basically craving for attention and made the 1st move in attracting guys. She needed someone desperately, for sex and companionship. Guy 3 did not show interest and entertained her sexual needs...because that jerk is a GUY Finally after pleasing her sexually, he went and got married to the women the parents chose. This girl was severely depressed again.

Then she met Guy 4, they were just friends, But he was missing out on Sexual needs and they ended up having sex. Guy 4 was a pervert and was not into relationship. In order to get sexually satisfied, a nice girl became like this!!! Everybody saw her as a whore, but not me, because she was a close friends, who was young and dumb and it was the void in her that she was trying to fill.

She met Guy 5 later, she was 31 at that time and somehow convinced that guy to get married to him. I do not know how...probably would have threatened him. I lost touch with her. Because this Guy 5 broke up with her the last time I was in touch with her and later found out she married Guy 5.

 

Sorry for the unrelated story, but just make sure Man 2 is genuine. You are too young and naïve. For some reason, you sound like my friend, she was a very nice, girl extremely innocent. life just took a u turn and all her plans backfired.

As they say LOVE IS BLIND - you are blinded by Man 2's love. You cannot judge someone in 6 months.

Another thing to consider:
1)Only perverts, players would be well versed with how to satisfy a women romantically, sexually, sweet talks... etc Because of the experiences. Just think for a second here, guys in college, school - only the players will be running after girls with 100's of different tactics in impressing them, romatically proposing them, poetry, etc. Good ones will always shy away or say all the wrong words and do all the wrong things. Because they did not hatch a plan to attract a girl, it comes from the heart.

2) Nice guys will always have this problem, because they don't have experience of a player in attracting girls. They would not always know the right ways to talk or approach a women. You can follow our sensible commentators advises on teaching them how to..

Exception to both categories are there but very rare.

Your problem is you are young and naïve. Be very careful. Life is a B#@!@#


In my friends case her life got soooo messed up because she was unable to control her libido for the Guy 2 which ended up in Divorce. Not saying your story will end like that, but MAKE SURE MAN 2 IS REALLY GENUINE!
All of us here feel he is not, You see it otherwise because you are blinded by love. Not just you - you cannot convince a person who is in love to see the clear picture. They won't be able to until they hit rock bottom.

 

@swan02, I wish I could write that way. Most of us tried to convey similar message. But you wrote in a very beautiful loving way with a clear message. Great reply.
@Nonya(#132) I wish I could do that . No way..after full time job, kids home.. think about sleep all the time
@ pinky2cute great reply. I can relate to your experience to some extent.

IL ladies I have posted on intimacy thread in relationships .But no reply. But I got "enlightened" by some of your replies. I wish you all help me with that. Now I realize that my dh wants to some extent what @swan02 suggested OP to do (I think so). But I am on the line of @ pinky2cute to some extent... don't know what to do

I feel that OP got enough input from all ladies. Let her take decision. OP, if possible, update. Wish you a great life