Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

People in India should start writing wills.

 

@yellowmango : In many families like mine, SIL was given dowry at the time of marriage, my DH helped BIL get a job when he lost it, my SILs pregnancies were taken care of by DH, all gifitng to SIL, her ILs, her family was taken care of by DH. Since DHs father i.e. my FIL died when he was very young, every family asset is in MILs name with no clearcut distinction between MILs & FILs assets. She has money only for her DD and her family. She brought up her son and educated him so he has to repay the debt his entire life. She has better health than her son but is least bothered. Son's responsibility is just to finance mother & daughter. MIL never parted with even 1gm of her gold. Now my SIL as per tradition will get entire gold and at least half of the share in property as per law. For the past 2 years that we are living separately from MIL (as it is not possible to have her here) my SIL is living with MIL and MIL is financing a major chunk of DDs family's day to day expenses as daughter is doing a favor by living with her. My MIL has made it implicitly clear that whatever is there is first for DD and the DD & BIL have affirmed it. And she herself was a family of daughters. All the sisters fought for the property, but nobody went to take care of the elderly widowed father. And it is the same with my SIL. The extended family is also the same. So here in OPs case, both the families are playing a nice game where they both know the rules perfectly. Andhra daughters expect to be financed and the parents don't expect the daughters to take care of them as well. There are zero expectations from daughters but granddaughters are a burden coz they are DILs daughters. It is a very twisted game..... And I have not seen any daughter feeling any remorse, only complains that whatever was given was less. My husband has lived extremely frugally his entire life, but that is his job - now mine also, to save for daughter. Mine is a case of equalizing the status of the daughter and son. So as the son progresses, the daughter needs to keep progressing as well. So we work hard, sacrifice and save and to balance assets are created for daughter. We dont save to compete with SIL. We do it coz we have seen our single mothers struggle and we are in the prime of our life, so this is the best time to save. But when I see my SIL live her life royally and my MIL compensating saying that SIL has financial problems, I can only fume inside. Or better - the daughter & DIL. The DIL cannot be happier then daughter, wear better clothes, eat better food, live in a better house, cannot travel by air (we do only sometimes in 24hr+ journeys), cannot wear a mangalsutra or even anklets heavier than DIL. You know they bought a dishwasher in India when they also have a maid for washing vessels. But when I don't have a aid here, SIL does not kick off her maid t do all work herself. Sorry it is a long rant... very strange and true...

 

@Lakshmi6197 ..It is sad.
The only way to stop this for one generation to put the foot down.
Your husband has no legal obligation to keep feeding the sil .He can choose to stop all this by telling his mother he has done enough.It takes some guts to become the 'bad' boy .
You are not from their culture... you can tell them you will not follow any of this. You as a wife can tie up money in investments for your family. Tell them you are not getting any loot from your family so you have to build your own nest by earning and saving as a family.

You will both be given a bad name...you can choose if you want to feed the monster or get a bad name.

 

@yellowmango : First create emotional dependency on mother, then ensure son and DIL never bond, then create dependency on BIL & SIL and lastly MIL, SIL & BIL make DH dance on their tunes. So perfectly executed over the years. And never give 1Rs. of your own, so children will run after you for money. But doing this women ruin their own families. By pitting child against child for money her family has been long gone.

My BIL & SIL gave me a big lecture on what kind of kitchen vessels I should buy when I had the temerity to buy 2 sets of khurja cups (coz we had 3 cups in the house in total) Now SIL has bought a corelle set which is hidden, I just saw it by chance and it irritated me to the core. Btw DH & BIL and me & SIL are the same ages. But we should do everything after taking their advice, but they are different family so we should not poke our noses in their business. They never tell us before coming. Open the door and surprise! - we are here (every other weekend). We go once a couple of months and inform a week in advance and then before getting ready, inform, get into the car, inform, reach and park, inform - at least this much informing on every visit. But when we go MIL says see she lives so perfectly, house clean, everybody dressed well etc - seekho inse kutch I used to laugh inside - was I born yesterday? I opened a drawer in SILs kitchen once and got a big shouting from MIL. But she never told me after that that SIL is clean. I agree my MIL is very clean in most ways but she has a slob for a daughter


Yes I saw the lack of financial planning. I tried to make him understand politely for a year after we separated that he needs to invest for future contingencies. No real effect. Then one day I put on a piece of paper how much we need for retirement, housing loan etc etc only the broad big expenditures and asked him where this money will come from. That single piece of paper was more effective than anything else I had to say. Moral of the story - man understands only numbers

I sometimes feel bad for what was done to me but with my venting I am also seeing the humorous side of things. Thanx

 

true, I don't know of many people taking their own siblings to court. Mostly they fight among themselves and things are eventually settled with lot of bad blood...
I know of a widow though who moved in with her little kids to her brother's home after her husband died. After her kids grew up, sued her brother for her share in property.

 

the other side of the dowry coin!

 

The property division can happen any time after marriage also. Before once gets married , she was not coming often and that set up was different with out much info or knowledge.

But now a almost every year or two we visit parents,
The property related discussions can happen any time or parents can write a will. Why to tie this to marriage ? Her right would be there if she is married or not
your friends mom and dad should have talked to her at some point when dad alive , they knew among brothers and mother how to distribute property and conviniently forgot daughter there. Mother that time can't she tell father about daughter also should get a share.

As daughters don't ask , they , parents only give when her Inlaws torture her to get her share. Or at the time of wedding Inlaws insist on dowry.


It shows one thing , be in the form of brother , son , or h , if he is selfish, will do injustice to a woman when it comes to property

 

This is so sad. I am not sure whom to side with here but did not the brother effectively bring up her kids as well as probably his kids too?

 

He did. raised them, educated them, made them independent. But this happens a lot. A know many other cases where a father died and the widow and kids were supported by an uncle or the eldest son and when they grow up they turn on him but many don't go to court. but if they do, the ruling is in their favour. The courts don't take into account the sacrifices that the man and his family makes to support them.