Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

Dear OP,

Forget about what's stopping him to come closer to you, but tell us what is stopping you to separate from him?

Are you still serious in continuing relation with him?

He already crossed his limits as a human -

1. Comparing with you with his ex
2. Describing about his past sexual adventures
3. Raising hand on you

All these are unacceptable things. He seems to be a heartless fellow especially when he described about his past sexual adventures, also talking about lingerie which his ex used to wear. OMG, why you have to bear all this? IMO this guy doesn't deserve you. He doesn't sound like a normal person to me. He sounds like a psycho.

Better you concentrate on your studies and get into a good job and make yourself financially independent. Don't trust this guy at all. Just concentrate on your future and try to build a solid career for you. He is not worth to spend your valuable time on him. Let him live his life in the memories of his ex by keeping her stuff and pictures in the home, while she sleeps around with his friends.

Girl wake up and think seriously about your future.

 

@apuviki-
For your question "What's bothering your Husband?" is a straight forward simple answer- You Husband is not over his ex. He being cheated on, and still has feelings for his ex is your Husband's problem. However, he is making you carry his baggage. Yes, his ex dumped him by cheating on him (shows that your H is not a person his ex ever wanted to commit to)
The difficulty is your H is finding it hard to accept that his love for his ex was one sided. He loved his ex beyond and above and even forgave her for cheating while she refused to stick around when he needed her the most. That's the answer to your question.

Now- the question is-- why did you get married to him even though you knew about his past? 8 months after getting rid of ex is not enough time to move on, especially if they are in the same city.
You living in a different country isn't helping your marriage either.

Honestly like everyone has suggested- dump his sorry ass and move on. You are made to carry his baggage unnecessarily. You just got married in June. There is a good chance that your H might take longer and you have a tougher battle to fight to getting your H to love you or see a future with you. My 2 cents- There is no sure way that you will ever win this battle. Your H isn't adult enough to see his future and is stuck in the past.


If you do want to stick with this guy-
1. It looks like you have to eliminate his ex completely out of the picture. That will only happen if you live with him and constantly tell him why his ex cheated on him. YES. you have to hurt him back. Because your H has made peace with the fact that his ex cheated. However, the love for the ex hasn't gone away. He is using you to show to the whole world even his ex. That he is happily married... I feel he wants his ex to desire him back. Don't be surprised if he dumps you to be with her.
2. As you are already in India- talk to your parents about him being in touch with his ex. Make a big deal about this issue. Make sure he moves to a different city. Tell openly to his family you will never move to his house if he is in the same city and if he talks to his ex. If they call you conservative Indian- Say YES I AM. SO WHAT?? WHATS WRONG BEING CONSERVATIVE THINKING AND NOT WILLING TO ACCEPT HIS EX? Tell them boldly that's who you are. He was having a tough time to get his parents to accept this woman.. and now you being his wife.. have to welcome his ex?? What sort of In-laws have you got??
3. Go to therapy separately. You have to make him go to therapy which will help him get over his ex. Any therapist will actually open his eye and make him see that his past is what's not letting him take a step in the future. You also should go to therapy to learn certain skills to deal with your H's behavior.
4. If you do move to the US to be with your H. Please have an individual visa. Move to a different state- far away from his ex. Start a fresh.
5. Make sure you have a stand in your house. If he ever tells you to get out of the house... Question him.. why should you move out? That you are an equal participant in paying rent/mortgage. If he wants to get out... ask him to go to his ex who cheat on him!!
6. What is this about ladies pampering your H? Is he some hot shot that all ladies are waiting to make him feel good? Stop pampering your H. No surprises, NO parties, Don't entertain his friends. NO special treatment unless he treats you special.
7. Cut out his friend circle- It looks like his friends knows about his ex. His ex having causal sex with one of his best friends.. is appalling. What kind of friends are these? Why do you want this kind of people in your H's life or yours?
8. There might be a lot of things about you and his ex may have in common. That may be the reason he even got married to you. He might have seen something in you that reminded about his ex. But that doesn't mean he has to constantly talk about his past. Your H is seeing you as his ex and badgering you for her mistakes.
9. Why aren't you questioning him left and right about his past? Why are you being meek and seeking his approval?? If he tells his ex is great- have a witty comeback. That shows and hurts him every time he brings up or praises his ex.
10. Don't take your problems to your MIL. Don't expect sympathy, understanding or any reward for putting up with her son. You will never get it, you will be ridiculed for even pointing finger at your H.

All these things will take your time, energy, a lot of your patience and effort. I suggest you don't have to carry water for his ex or your H's follies.

 

@apuviki So he is ready for another girl too ? What point you got ... He is a dare devil .. He just bothered about his life.

You are having good heart you are showing kindness - this is not love.

Love is when 2 people become 1 . He never be trustworthy

Please save your life .

 

OP, Your hubby shud be ashamed of himself. He is a weak man.Just becoz his parents wont agree and his ex has health issues he doesn't want to go back to her. Otherwise wud be option. How can he talk about after divorce to his present wife. He is definitely out of his mind and demented to core.Divorce will be a much better option in this case. If its not an option go on your own visa. That will show you tried . Good Luck.

 

Dear op,
Like everyone suggested I too recommend You to move away from this person. He has no feelings for you. When he says he will find another girl if you leave it quite obviously means that he doesn't care much for your relationship. Complete studies, get a job and improve your career. You will surely find a good person. Don't delay talk to your parents and get their support.

If you plan to give him a second chance go on your own visa. Put your foot down and be strong. No letting him abuse you even once. When he does this tell him you are going to call police. And he said she has developed some health issues. It may also be STD due to multiple sex partners. Your husband needs to checked if he too has it (incase she has it).

Does he gives you gifts, surprises etc? If not, when he abuses you of not spending more money on him ask him the same. Give back blunt replies. Make him stop his talks there.

Personally I feel he is not worthy of a second chance. This is your life. Think well before taking a decision. Give importance to yourself first. Be strong May God be with you always. Tc dear.

 

@apuviki: I hope you understand why the girl dumped him even after he was ready to accept her after she cheated. Follow her example. Tell your husband that she is really intelligent to leave him.

 

Hi


I am a silent and absent member for a long time and just started visiting back to IL recently. I have never given advice to anybody on relationship matters – online or personal. But the fact that you have PhD annual review in a week triggered me to post this. It might be a little rambling but you have my 2 cents worth. I was a PhD student almost 20 years back and I got engaged just before my confirmation and got married a few months after that to my best friend. My opinion is this: if you are serious about PhD and a related career, until your annual review forget about everything and focus on your review. In PhD studies, it is not just sufficient to work hard but also necessary to make a good impression. Because, everywhere in the world research career is made by networking and connections. It is also very true that it is twice as difficult for women to establish in this field as there are still not many women particularly in engineering and physical sciences. So, focus first on your review, make a good impression. It is just a few days. That will also give you a little more confidence in your personal life.

On the marriage front, as person in my 40s and married for 17 years let me tell you one thing: there is no love when there is no respect. If your spouse/partner does not respect you, they do not love you really. A good marriage is never possible without mutual respect. If your husband respected you, he would not have abused you. If you want to work on this marriage, the first step would be to demand that you are respected as a person and wife first from your husband. Everything else will follow. If you think you are not emotionally equipped to deal with your marriage, go for counselling in your university. Most universities have that facility with subsidies/insurance. But focus on your PhD first and then anything else. Your husband or in-laws will take you seriously only if you take yourself seriously.

Don’t allow your in-laws or parents to dictate you equation with your husband. They are just background. Focus on your husband. If you feel that he can never respect you, cut him out of your life. There are plenty of men in the world who respect or willing to learn to respect their wives.

 

I appreciate your optimism, but have to warn you of the big danger that you're trying to push yourself into.
I don't see a marriage in this setup, I'm sorry to sound negative here. He describing those fun moments to you ... do you really need this scum? This marriage will be a bag of lies, scums hurled at your ears, mom and son partnering together to conspire more and more evil dramas to extricate money from you, what else and what not. He's using you as a rebound.

I would not confide such things to a mom-in-law; she naturally will take her son's side. You'll have to disclose it to your mom and other relatives and bring him to justice. Get ready to chalk out a nice plan.

Good luck on your PhD and a new leaf in your life as it unfolds.

 

What he feels towards her is completely immaterial. What matters is how he treats you. And in that department he is majorly lacking. His feelings and his need for approval from his parents etc. Aren't your problem now. What matters is your feelings. How you are being treated. That's what you need to take into account.