Husband Chatting With Divorced Ex Colleague

kcb · Aug 9, 2016

Dear OP,

It is clear from your post that you are insecure because of this friendship and you didn't like their friendship.

One question out of curiosity.

The reason for insecurity - Is it because of her status of divorcee? or your feelings will be same if that lady is married and living with her H?

I observed lot of women get insecure especially when their H is friendly with a divorcee or a widow. They are okay if their H is friendly with a married woman.

Are they both talking intimately or sharing any intimate stuff in the chat?

May be that lady is in need of friendship because of her loneliness and may be she found a good friend in your husband. Friendship between opposite genders is not always harmful. Here in IL we also chat & be friendly with men.

If possible try to find out if she really in need of a good friend & in need of support & be a friend to her.

Behind every Divorcee & widow always there was lot of struggle and pain. There is a good heart in them with sensitive feelings which always long for a supportive shoulder & for a good friend who can understand them.

Hyral · Aug 9, 2016

like many Ilites said, they are just friends and nothing more than that....
It can be true...but chatting almost daily is not ok....coz in this busy world we dont even get time to chat with our best friend of childhood times daily....
May be she finds ur husband trustworthy and she prefers to discuss her issues....your DH might still be not carried away in those emotional or feeling to cheat you...but there is possibility the gal might start getting soft corner for ur DH if he is way too caring and more over always available to her.....to chat with her...

explain this to your DH on nicer note like..."I know you love me and I too love you lot and I know that lady is just ur friend nothing more than that...i lately understood...but dear hubby....gals are sensitive at heart so if you will chat more and care more for her chances of she having soft corner for u might increase which surely wont be good for her and neither for us (yes use word US)"

Also, find ways to keep ur hubby busy with you more like....spend more time with ur hubby...watch good movie on laptop that way you both will be close to eachother and say lightly...lets keep cell phone aside and watch movie together or lets go out etc etc....

Don't nag him but at same time do keep watch on wht is happening....try to prevent any unwanted situation to happen...

all the best and dont worry your hubby is all yours and your love & care can conquer it all....

beautifullife30 · Aug 9, 2016

hey OP....

I might differ in my opinion here but for some reason I am not comfortable with my DH chatting with any lady friends. For that matter I don't chat with any guys either. NOTE: I refer only to personal chatting using watsapp, link, facebook chatting......facebook posting, tagging is all ok.

I am perfectly OK he talking to his female colleagues about work (I go through his watsapp message), unavoidable but ok with it. I am also ok with he talking to his female friends when he meets them.

But personal messaging is a strict no-no in my house. I don't agree with it. What is the need for any married lady or a single lady to chat with a married guy after the guy reaches home? Friendships are fine but only to an extent.

IF there is work, it should be sorted while at work. If any clarification on anything else is needed, while they are face to face, it can be talked. Unavoidable work is again on the ok can be allowed. But asking about why did you choose your wife, what made you fall for her are just unnecessary unwanted questions. Not needed to be asked. I faced this issue where a lady colleague of my DH asked him if he was willing to convert to Islam and his opinons of second marriage (she is a Muslim). Shocker for him......he stopped talking to her - I suspected all along her intention. But I was still angry coz I wanted to know why he had to bring it to that extent

My point is, if a lady needs ears to share her worry, there are a lot of support groups, help groups...like take IL for instance....there is no need for a lady to call up a guy for assistance or share stories and worries. IT will eventually always lead to some or the other emotional unwanted tangle.

I support @Hyral in this point
Also, find ways to keep ur hubby busy with you more like....spend more time with ur hubby...watch good movie on laptop that way you both will be close to eachother and say lightly...lets keep cell phone aside and watch movie together or lets go out etc etc....

Try and discourage him softly at first...staunchly later if it still continues.

Ragini25 · Aug 9, 2016

@beautifullife30 nothing wrong if a guy and girl are good friends or talk while at home - we all talk to friends at home, whats the issue with it, sounds like you (or even YM) sometimes have issues with it. It may be your insecurity but controlling a person abt friends can only backfire instead of allowing for healthy friendships. (Friendship and ema are very different things)

Regarding OP, she needs to look honestly if she is making a big deal or her hubby talking normally with his friend or if he is doing something flirty.

Flowergurl · Aug 10, 2016

Thanks for the responses. I really truly appreciate it.

My DH is young and highly successful. Infact he's climbing the ladder at a very fast pace. All the peers of his level are close to retirement age .

So DH told me that she had gone through a lot of trauma with her divorce and like you said , he's the most caring person who would go out of the way to help anyone and everyone. So many people asks for his advice . I always thought that's the case with his woman also. Later DH himself told me once that" i dont ask her more divorce related q's since he doesnt know whether he's opening a can of worms"(whatever that means!!). I said ok and left it at that.

Sometime back(when she was still working with him and her divorce was going on) when i met one of his colleague/long time friend , he told me that all woman are intersted in talking to him and i see woman going to and from his room from time to time. I laughed it out that day and my DH totally ignored it. And this friend was very serious about it and i made a joke of how he was acting. I told him that he would never do anything like that. He left it at that.
About his colleague - he's a very smart guy , but not as successful as my DH,so he has this jealous thing going on for a very long time. we just ignore it since our families get along well.I dont know whether there is more to it when i think of it now.

Regarding my insecurities:

-She's a divorcee and he's a great catch for her(she's same age as me)
-She's obviously very much interested in him since she's the one who ALWAYS takes initiative to start conversations , be it mail , whatsapp etc.
-She's his type - Physically. I know what he likes and have seen her pictures. I'm better looking than her that doesnt mean she's bad
-She is wow'ed about his excellent academic credentials et al (he told me long back)
-Men will be men. Men gets interested when they see a woman is interested in him.
- He always had men as friends as far as i know. He never had any girls as friends. Good working relationship , mutual repect for woman colleagues -plenty. But not the type who chats with woman privately types except this one.
- Its' only after she left the company i realized that she feels the needs to communicate and he cannot say no for that.
-Like i mentioned earlier, his career is growing at a fast pace and in her last whatsapp she was telling him that am moving to this city , i'll be in that city etc and all these places my DH's company has big offices.And his company will easily sent him if he asks for it. what if he meets her there.
Even after me throwing a fit and crying , he still chatted with her. and he's the type of person who talks if someone initiates the conversation.

I confronted him the second time and he acted as if he didnt even remember the conversations.

I took his phone and blocked her in whatsapp. He said its fine. It doesnt take much to unblock, which he can do if he wants. He doesn't give me any promise that he wont chat with her /in touch with her or anything. He kinda silently implies that he will still do.

Ragini25 · Aug 10, 2016

Blocking his watsap is like what kiddish teenagers would do, if they are possessive. If he is intent on talking to her, nothing would stop him. I think all this yelling and watsap blocking all very immature and childish. Reality is you cannot control an adult man and all you can do is hope that he is a good family man with values - and if you dont know your hubby after so many years, then strangers on internet (all of us) wont know either.

beautifullife30 · Aug 10, 2016

@Ragini25

I know friendships and EMA are different or I used to believe in that strongly. During my early days of marriage I used to talk to his lady friends quite freely and we had a good rapport as well. However, I faced the shock of my life when one of his friends misunderstood my DH and my free attitude for less interest (whatever her reasons are still a mystery to me) and went ahead to look for good divorce lawyers. Seeing how all of the others were her friends...they were rooting for her. Thankfully my DH realized this before me and has cut ties with them. Now though an occasional say an yearly hi and bye are there.

The muslim girl I was talking earlier was more like a sister to him. She used to ask silly questions like why did you marry your wife? what made you fall for her nonsense. I never minded any nor did my husband thinking she was just asking to know about our love story. Later she suddenly called him up and asked him why he cant convert to Islam and his opinion on havig two wives .

The third instance was when we (me and my DH) visited one of his lady friends (she is also married and has a college going daughter) as well. I used to talk to her well. She used to treat my kids well too. The shocker was she telling my husband in front of all his colleagues why cant you divorce your wife? you can get any nice looking girl for yourself. She looks very rustic! (got to know from my husband again)

That's was it for me.....the last two instances happened in the last one year. The thing is I could have invested the time I had to spend on these silliness in more constructive things.

That said, my DH still has his school friends in watsapp. There is a lady who recently called up at 12 in the night to ask about doctors to recommend for her MIL. I don't say anything for all those. Friends are needed. Not leeches who suck the happiness away from a couple.

My problem is differentiating a friend from a leech! Earlier though I had enough time on my hands to sit and talk through stuff. Now we are both pressed for time. I don't want to bring unnecessary mess into my life at this stage. Hence the common rule. Note again: This rule only for ladies who talk nonsense stuff like why your wife? why do you think she is pretty stuff! Not others.

@Flowergurl

See from my experience blocking watsapp and stuff doesn't really work. There is always a way, if they have will. So don't do that. It will just create issue for you.

Build your relationship. Don't talk about any of these when you are with him. Rekindle your romance. I know it sounds odd but trust me, if you do that, it would be good. Like say a romantic dinner, or a an outing just you two. Don't talk about any issues when you both are alone. Try and treat him like a college crush and behave like one.

Everybody loves attention. The attraction of new friendships or exciting relations is that they make you feel young.

You try and give him that experience from your end. Ultimately you will grow to trust him more and he will start levitating towards you!

Laks09 · Aug 10, 2016

OP - After 18 yrs and kids you should be knowing your dh inside out. This isn't about the colleague or her marital status. Maybe there are things in your marriage that you need to look at more closely. Why is this single woman making you so insecure? You yourself stated you look better than her and her appearance isn't what you are worried about. What else is it?

You said men are men and all men will stray if given the opportunity. Do you think a man who has been in a committed relationship with you for 18 years, had babies with you, will get carried away by a whatsapp chat? Give him more credit than that.

Unless there are other things that are already straining your marriage, let this go. The more you give it attention, the more you fight about it, the more you push him to do it. He has been forthright, hasn't done anything behind your back and is talking to a friend who happens to be a single woman. Think about this from his perspective. He must be thinking why is my wife so suspicious and why is she micromanaging my conversations despite me keeping her in the loop.

Are there other issues? Then work on those things. Even if there are other issues, even if you think she is more his type, always think he chose you, he has been with you all along, you already won. Don't let these things ruin your peace of mind and your marriage.

Jazmine83 · Aug 10, 2016

One of the reason I married my H was because he had/has many female friends. He keeps in touch with them, goes for swimming with them, sends them gifts, sends their children gifts, is very good friends with their husbands. He nurtures those relationships.

How a man interacts with women says a lot about him. My thinking is when so many women can give him that space for many years, then it implies he never took advantage of his friendship with them. Women know when a guy approaches with wrong intentions & we are quick to cut any relationships like that. So to me, a man having a lot of female friends is a good thing. Nothing to be afraid of. In fact, back then when he was my BF, there was a point I broke up with him due to family pressures, his very attractive female friend spoke to me & said how he is the one guy she can trust to get drunk with. In their 8 yrs of friendship, she was single for the first 4 yrs & he never made a move on her. I also have a male friends. I go for a sport with one of the guy every week. I would be hurt & upset if my H doesn't trust me or doubts me. My love my H & I am very happy in the relationship & he is irreplaceable to me. I know he feels the same way about me as well.

In 18 yrs of marriage, you cannot trust him. I don't know what to say. In these 18yrs he never had a female friend?
Monitoring his texts & such is just too much. Y do you feel so insecure? Any past experience?