Shame is an important emotion

Parenting books tell us not to shame our children and that this will harm their psyches.

Of late I have realized that this is not a good idea. Shame is an important emotion. Shame is a self regulator. It is the knowledge that some action will lead to shame that develops self-control.

It is important to distinguish between shame and humiliation. Shame is something that a person can feel without any input from others. Humiliation is something that is imposed upon us by others by making our shortcomings or mistakes the butt of ridicule. A child who has failed in a test will not feel humiliated if his marks are read out in class without being singled out in any way. He might feel shame that his marks are poor and that others know about it. He will feel humiliated only if while doing this the teacher passes a derogatory comment or emphasizes it in some other way.

Shame can be a positive force as it can create the incentive to work harder. Humiliation on the other hand can cause rebellion or depression - both very harmful for the psyche of children.

But the importance of shame is much greater than this. Its real importance lies in the fact that it is the opposite of pride. Without shame, pride will have no counterpoint and will breed arrogance.

So be sure to teach children the concept of shame as well as pride - both in the right doses will create a decent human being - but one without the other will create an unbalanced character.