Frustrated and depressed ! Please help me out !

kindgirl · Dec 17, 2009

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate it.

I had gone to my doctor and she told me that I have nothing physically wrong with me down there. She said we have to try out putting tampons and dildos and that it has to be a joint effort. So I have been telling my DH that lets try those things.So after alot of cajoling he shows interest . Even if we put a tampon on one day , we should do it again the next day and continuously . But the next day he will make some sort of excuse.

So yesterday I again told him how much I wish for us to have sex and asked him what we should do about it. And also asked him to show some interest . So in the night at about 2 he asked me if I want to do something. Long long back (around 1.5 yrs back) when he had woken me up at 2 asking if i want to do something , I had told that I am really v sleepy , cant even open my eyes. This had happened 2-3 times.

Anyway yesterday when he asked me, though I was too sleepy and tired, I was extremely happy that he is making an effort, so I told him sure ,lets do something . Immediately he tells me that oh he is feeling very lazy and that only 4 more hours left to get up. Then why did he ask me whether we should do something?

I really feel, he thought when he asks me I would say no and that I am too sleepy , so it would be like he did his part but I was sleepy so we didnt do anything. But when I said sure we'll do something, he was surprised. So he fast tried to come out of it by saying he is lazy and only 4 more hrs to sleep.

Is it normal for a married man not to have any interest in sex ? This again brings me back to **** issue i.e, is it because he is getting pleasure without any effort through **** that he doesnt want to do anything with me?

What do I do to make him interested ? If you have read my post you will see that I have really been taking sincere efforts to initiate from my side . What more do I do? :drowning

Nandshyam · Dec 17, 2009

Few things in my opinion.

(1) Sex is a joint effort to have fun. It will be the best only when both are involved. From your post, it seems that initially you had pain during honeymoon (understandable) but when you went to be with your husband, instead of thinking about the enjoyment, you were reeling the problems you had with your in-laws in your mind during your sex time and screwed up both your happiness again. Inlaw problems are one thing - separate track. Your love life is completely different. Why mess it up with other thoughts? Your sex life should be only about you and your sex partner. I think this is wrong in your part.

(2) Your husband is not a bad man is he? He did do everything possible - kissing, hugging, sleeping together. Stop making conclusions in your mind. Just agree that no genius in this whole world can read other people's mind. I am really angry that you have concluded after whatever your husband did that it is his fault that there is no sex in your marriage. Own up and take responsibility, lady.

(3) For men, getting an erection and doing the action is easy, atleast for the most part of the men in this world. For women, their emotions should be intact to enjoy. You cannot be pissed off at someone and expect to have a WOW orgasm. That is not going to happen. As someone explained before, your muscle contraction is tightly coupled with your emotions. so RELAX and don't get your mind to wander. See your partner for what he is. See the good in him and enjoy him. Enjoy the moments with him. You can build a tower with resentments, but there ain't gonna be any sex for sure.

(4) Stop complaining, stop whining, stop cribbing. As much as we women loathe the thought of ****, men love it. Got to accept it. Unless he is addicted to it, give him his space. Be happy that he is not secretive about it - If he is, he could have very well created a new email account or not share the password with you and what not, right? He has given you access so you can go and check his internet footprints, remember that. So give him his space.

(5) Men loves to be praised about their sex plays. Don't make him feel belittled that he cannot have proper sex with his wife. Don't force him to visit a doctor. Don't force him to do anything. You are the one having trouble enjoying sex. As doctor advised, buy a dildo or whatever and enjoy yourself. May be that will help you loosen up a bit and be ready when he is ready. May be that will actually surprise him as well, how much effort you put in to make sure your husband is satisfied, yeah? Do your part, because that is what is in YOUR control. Everything else will fall in place when the right time comes.

Don't feel upset or angry, but this is reality. You need to put some efforts for a man who has stuck with you for more than 2 years even though there are lot of problems in his marital life and no sex. Understand him instead of complaining and whining.

kindgirl · Dec 18, 2009

Hi Nandu,

Thanks for replying.

If I wanted to just blame my husband unnecessarily I wouldn't have written the post as it is. I wouldn't have told that he is caring etc. Yes, I agree it might be my fault that I didn't try to enjoy it with him when I came here. But the fact is I was very much hurt due to inlaws and because DH never stands up for me whenever there is an issue with inlaws.

Maybe it is my fault that whenever we try somethings , those thoughts come in my mind. But then people do make mistakes and try to rectify it. I am trying my level best nowadays not to think of those past issues.

And regarding his **** issue, first of all it was by accident that I saw that email. Otherwise everytime he deletes that email(bill) from his inbox. I am coming to know about it because I deciphered the username and password of the **** site. And he is paying the bill through some bank account which I am not even aware of. It's s secret bank account.

And it's not just some **** videos that he is watching , he is chatting with women in that website and they will do whatever u ask them to do. He can see them thhrough a webcam. I feel upset because unlike a video , these people are online and doing/ showing him things live.

I am not cribbing/complaining dear. All I am saying is that yes I experience pain and to overcome that we have to follow doctor's advice. But he doesn't show any interest for that. Unless he stops giving excuses we will never be able to follow whatever doctor said to do. And I am wondering whether he really doesn't want to put in so much effort because he is getting pleasure through that website.

chandralekha68 · Dec 10, 2011

can you please suggest a good gynec i chennai who can deal with vaginismus problem/treatment etc? i have also been suffering from this problem for years.... thankyou

MVRENUKA · Dec 10, 2011

hi kindgirl,

i dont know if this is the right place to discuss it, bcos we cannot tell exactly what we want to tell.. still since we are here to help, i give my opinion..

inlaw's problems are there for many years now.. there are only 2 options: face it or ignore it.. whichever way it is, it shld not affect yr relationship with yr hubby.. he will support u, only if he gets emotionally close to u.. so first set right your problems.. even then, please understand that he is someone's son and it is not possible to just shout at his parents and support u for everything.. he may feel u r correct but, may not be able to support u bluntly.. learn to speak back to yr inlaws.. solve yr problems yourself..

watching **** is common among guys.. so first accept the fact.. most of them dont want to make it public.. they want their wife to think that they are 100% gentleman.. so be it.. just ignore it.. even college guys spend money on such sites (they dont even earn).. it is curiosity. many guys watch **** to get into the mood and then approach their wifes ( wifes may not even know about it).. it is just to turn them on..

guys are of many kinds.. some like to rape girls. they dont even realise they r hurting a girl physically and emotionally, but normal guys cannot even think of it. some guys are soft and some are rash.. like that each one has a character. some guys dont like girls initiating.. they like to take charge. so for them, u just need to tempt them and not directly initiate ( hope u understand)..also if he watches **** and flushes out, then he may not be able to involve with u for the next few days. whenever u initiate, he may hv already satisfied himself with a ****.. once he starts having sex regularily with u, he will slowly reduce his dependance on ****..

so first, take him on couple of vacations and insist that he shld not bring his laptop.. make it atleast a 4day trip.. go to romantic places.. pain in sex is common in the beginning stages.. if u get emotionally involved, u will get through and may be after a month or so, u will be more comfortable.. most of them take 4-5 mnts to hv comfortable and enjoyable sex. for some it may be longer too.. so dont think of pain or anything else.. bare the pain for few times. if u feel it unbearable, u shld consult couple of doctors and clear it off.. may be u shld try oral sex.. it is painless and still gives u the same pleasure.. anyhow difficult to discuss anything more here dear.. take control of the situation...

MVRENUKA · Dec 10, 2011

hi i dont know u belong to which part of chennai, but i strongly suggest Dr. Rekha Sudhakar, Adambakkam. she consults in S.P Hospital Adambakkam too.. her clinic number is 22456211.. be prepared for a long waiting time

sunflower123 · Jan 30, 2016

Dear Kind girl,
I am suffering from vaginismus myself. Married for 2 years. Came across your post today. Please tell me if you have been able to overcome your vaginismus. You posted 6 years back. Im not even sure if you will see this but if you do Please tell me if there is any hope

12adityas · Jan 31, 2016

There is an old adage that says truth is bitter. It is in this case. The ONLY thing that will help you is to seek mental and medical help. You need to see a psychiatrist and describe to him/her the pain you feel during intercourse and how it pained you so much and that you cannot have sex because of it. See the psychiatrist in his/her clinic.

After that, you need to tell that SAME psychiatrist EVERYTHING you wrote above and how you feel about your husband and his inlaws.

Trust me, that psychiatrist will fix your problems in no time. This is the FASTEST solution to you current problems.

GlobetrotterG · Sep 26, 2018

prettyguns said: ↑

Hi kindgirl,
Firstly, must appreciate you for trying to discuss your problem and solve it. That shows your interest in trying to tackle issues facing your marriage.
Secondly, this problem is not so rare among couples. But before we discuss this issue, let us separate the marital problem from the problem of your in laws. You can deal with the issue of your in laws after you have solved this issue of no sex with your husband since marriage.
From what you say, your husband is very caring and nice. Everybody looks at both of you and think you both are a romantic couple, so the warmth between you two is still there. But the problem hinges on your husband being a very sensitive and caring person. He initiated sex on your first night but could not bear to see you in pain so he stopped. He initiated sex during honeymoon phase but you showed your pain and that stopped him. Even after you went to US, you were in pain and he could not bear to do anything that could be painful to you. Since you were always in pain and were never enjoying sex, he slowly stopped even initiating sex to you. That explains why he is ready to cuddle, kiss and do other things with you but never sex since he is still scared that he might give pain to you.
On the other hand, men need an outlet for their sexual energy and your husband has taken to seeing **** on a regular basis to relieve this energy. He obviously does not want to confess this to you out of embarrassment.
I think it is time to take this situation into your control before this becomes a habit. After a few years, the novelty of your marriage will go and then it would be more difficult to deal with this issue. Sex is the fun part of marriage and you are missing out on all the fun by not trying to deal with your issues.
Here are some recommendations -
Take serious interest in getting over your problem of pain during sex. With stuff like KY jelly in the market, pain during intercourse is not a problem for women anymore. Some girls have small vagina which can cause a lot of pain but consult a good gynecologist and things can be set right easily. Stop trying all these internet methods to save money. I know doctors can be expensive in US but go to a good gynecologist and you are spending money to save your marriage which is very critical.
If you can afford, I suggest you see a good marriage counselor too. This would help you and your husband open up to each other in front of a moderator and discuss your problems and sentiments with each other.
Do not confront your husband on the **** issue, if you are going to fight with him over it, it is only going to make him more secretive. Just ignore the whole thing until you can get your problems sorted out. Once you and him have regular sex, the issue would get solved automatically.
Ideal would be if you could sit with him for a intimate talk and tell him that you feel bad that you are not having sex with him and ask him how to solve the whole thing. Say that you love him a lot and want to make him happy and want his advice and guidance. That opens the communication between him and you. Open communication in marriage does wonders and you would not even need to see a counselor if you can achieve this. But do not turn the discussion into an argument, you are then going to make him more secretive. Be sweet and nice and try to make it look like you need his help to solve the whole issue.
Hope this helps.
All the best and I hope within a few months, you are going to come back on this column and advise a few girls on how to make their marriage happy too )
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Well posted Pretty. My 2 cents : Ignore the **** aspect for now, but have a open communication and do empathize with him as well for the situation . Please don't be thinking of your in-laws , during your romantic moments, and i hope your DH also does'nt have taken anything to heart against you complaining about his family.I did have a similar issue of Vgnms i figured before marriage but the pain was less, hence some medicines, exercises, lots of foreplay helped overcome. Please focus and try to get over this Vgnms as soon as you can.

parvathi1980 · Sep 27, 2018

Dear OP, I get your problem. I think both of you also have some mental block. Counselling may help. 2.5years is long time. Please also check where the law stands on this. Your marriage has not be consummated. That may be grounds for divorce. Any chance your husband is thinking of divorce and that is why avoiding you now? I am sorry if my post upsets you.