Need help with thought process

Happinessjourne · Dec 22, 2015

I am a returning member and not a new one. My other I'd: happinesjourney doesn't seem to be working and therefore created a new ID to post. Just want to re-introduce myself. I am married for 8 years and have one lovely daughter. I am working, earn well, have a decent life.
In Laws: I live in United States and my inlaws live with me and they take care of my kid when I am at work. They are pretty decent inlaws and try to help us out wherever possible. My job is very demanding with a commute of 2 hours each way and they cooperate taking care of cooking, my daughter and even dishes etc. Everyone would say I am luckiest on the planet. However I am unhappy. My in-laws take ownership of everything. Cooking, cleaning, my daughter (of course I can't complain here as they take care of her very well). But when I am off from work and want to take care of her, be with her and do what a normal mother does, they think I am not giving her to them. I don't know why they think I should take help from them even on a day off and weekend. I literally don't do anything except for helping out in dishes. I can't decide the menu and cook for my husband. I can't have my own thoughts on what to feed my daughter. They expect that I shouldn't care about any homely things.
Husband: I have a pretty decent husband, nice and loves dear daughter very much. Me and my husband don't have any intimate relationship with each other. He says he does love me , but he has a mental block. I know he cares about me but I always see a brotherly care and love. He doesn't look at me that way, no hugs, no kisses. At 9pm, when my daughter sleeps, he is onto his computer and I am on iPad.
Due to these reasons, I am always frustrated when I am home. I don't get to do anything. I don't have a satisfaction of being a wife. I am just one member of family who just eats and sleeps. My kitchen is completely taken over. If everyone is having cereal at breakfast, then it is what it is. I am the only outlier who doesn't like cereal. They feel it's heavy to eat a breakfast. Am I wrong in thinking that I want to cook nice healthy breakfast for my husband on a day off? My husband, my daughter , my house is completely taken over. My husband and in laws don't say anything but they expect me to be unconditional. Unconditional in thinking, unconditional in expectations, everything. I don't matter to anyone. I am just a puppet going to work and coming back home and no one cares. Am I wrong in my thinking?

Ragini25 · Dec 22, 2015

You cant just use your inlaws and expect them to be puppets with an on/off switch that you control, either. Be grateful for what you have or try and imagine a life without h and inlaws and live that life.

armummy · Dec 22, 2015

Send them off for a vacation during your work week and then see how you feel.

Happinessjourne · Dec 22, 2015

@Ragini: Thanks for your input. I guess I wasn't very clear earlier. I am grateful for what they do and how they are. I am not complaining about their doing. They can do whatever the want, cook whatever they want, don't have to do anything when they don't feel like it. I cook dinnerif my mother in law is watching tv and taking a break. I buy them whatever they want, me and my husband take really good care of them. I understand they feel happy helping us out, they feel like they are adding value. I understand all that. But what about me here? I know all the ladies own everything at house too, decide what's good and healthy for husbands, kids etc. I want to have that ownership. I am not asking them to be puppets. I am asking them to do less and let us be responsible for kids and managing home.

Happinessjourne · Dec 22, 2015

Thanks for your input. I understand that you were trying to make me look from other side of the coin. What if I didn't have any help at all. I would be juggling with work, home, kid. Yes I realize that. Somewhere in my heart though, I have an immense satisfaction of me taking care of family (even with hardship). Or perhaps, I will quit job if it comes to that. My life has become like a robot and only working. No satisfaction of being a wife and managing a home and hence the frustration

Priya16 · Dec 22, 2015

Dear OP,

It's very hard to draw that kind of line.Especially our elders don't know how to draw the lines.If they love a family, they love flawlessly and immense in son's family life too much.There is no way, you can teach them to set their boundaries.Did you talk to your MIL openly?What kind of lady she is?If she old fashioned and don't understand anything what you are talking about then be happy the way she is.If she can understand you then tell, please let me cook today and you do some walking outside and tell that I feel like cooking something for daughter today.Talk openly if she can understand.If she not, then what other things your daughter like?Try to bound other ways.I don't know what age he is though.Cooking is not the only way you can bond with your family.Do other things.
What about your husband.See you can bond with him other ways.Plan for hiking 3 of you.Think something else.
If you could change your job,probably you can participate in your daughter school more and do lot more other things where in-laws can't participate and do.

armummy · Dec 22, 2015

Happinessjourne said: ↑

Thanks for your input. I understand that you were trying to make me look from other side of the coin. What if I didn't have any help at all. I would be juggling with work, home, kid. Yes I realize that. Somewhere in my heart though, I have an immense satisfaction of me taking care of family (even with hardship). Or perhaps, I will quit job if it comes to that. My life has become like a robot and only working. No satisfaction of being a wife and managing a home and hence the frustration
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So you problem is not your inlaws , your problem looks like the time taken up by your work and also most importantly your relationship with husband . Coax your husband to go for couples therapy , having brotherly care from him is wrecking your life .

is there any possibility for you to look for work closer home ?

looks like you already cook sometimes , just cook something you want in addition to what you normally eat. If anyone questions say , you felt like eating the new item .

How old is your kid ? Get involved in the activities if your is along with inlaws and slowly introduce other activities .

Happinessjourne · Dec 22, 2015

@Priya: thanks for your input. I think you have understood me very clearly. Yes, my mother in law is very traditional. She is s nice lady but will never understand my point of view. They are from generation where everyone is supposed to be like a family. If my husband and I try to go outside, they used to feel bad. Slowly, I changed it and I try to go out with my hubby and kid for friends place. But sometimes still father in law wants to accompany. Maybe I am thinking too much about cooking. But overtime, I want my daughter to eat what I cook and I want to make it for her. She is now just 11 months old.

Chitravivek · Dec 22, 2015

OP: From what I understood you want best of both worlds. I wish it can happen. I can understand what you want when you come back home but for your age old In laws its hard to change or hand over everything and move away once you're back. This is what happens when you take free help from family members. If you want your daughter to eat what you cook you need to take control. You take favor from them so in turn they want to take control of everything. That's a age old tradition. They are old people and hard for them to change. You can talk whatever you want but I can guarantee they will not change. Its hard for them. At that age they feel sense of security by having that control. Your options are either to let go of your insecurity and accept as is or get out of the comfort zone of in laws and find child care for your daughter and take control of everything. In that way your not asking any favor from them nor you're not obligated to them.

Priya16 · Dec 22, 2015

she is now just 11 months old
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Dear,

There is a long way to go for all of you.So, don't think too much at this point.Just play with her spend time with her.Eventually, as a mother you can do more things with her than your MIL once the school starts and with all other activities.So the bonding will increase that time.You can go to parks and play and do many more things.I know this age everyone is possessive about small kids.But don't let that take away your peace from you.
I know, it's very hard for your in-laws to find their age company.If your in-laws enjoy some temple services then plan to leave them in some religious place to spend their time.They also struggling to pass their time in this country.It's not that easy.As a family, you all have to support each other.You have other skills where you can use successfully.You MIL had only skills of house making and she is trying to use in a positive manner.Since you have other skill, see what way you can help your FIL to spend his time.Same way MIL, see what other things she enjoy.Some knitting or something else?I'm sure they need you more eventually with the old age.They can't stay same way forever,so whatever help you have now enjoy.