Thankless wife

These inane offers to wife makes you 'Boochadu' only and never a 'good husband' .....

She wanted you to validate her feelings.... some acknowledgement and some empathy .. You failed to give her that. The fact how much her parents misbehaved with you does not reduce the hurt caused by your mother. What comfort does the fact give to her now?

She will be hesitant to count on you coz, you let her down ... when it comes to your family of origin, you either ask her to walkaway or open the long list of allegations on her parents. That's all you know .. or perhaps, that's all what you learnt in textbooks.

But why is the subject 'Thankless wife'??? What she should be thankful for?

 

Being a man, sometimes it is not easy to understand the core problems of DIL vs MIL.

Unlike you, probably your mother is not too good to accept her DIL's parents as they are, or leave this matter as it is. Rather she keeps on repeating the same, much against her DIL.
Here, you should be thankful to your wife for not blasting at her MIL.
It is your mother's fault.
Your wife is probably hurt. As a woman, i can understand her. She probably needs some assurance from you. Some appreciation for her smartness (not blasting at MIL)
And accept your mother's fault. This way, you could ask your wife to adjust with her nosy MIL for the sake of you - her loving, understanding hubby. I bet, she would do that for you.

In the mean time, you could calmly bring up whatever the issues from your in laws' side too. This way, she understands the shortcomings of both sides, but reciprocate the love you have for her.

Being text book kind of husband is a wrong example dear. You failed to be like one with your temper issue. That's why you asked her to leave.

Be a normal husband with loads of understanding. Your wife reflects you. If you are loving, she would love you. If you are hating, she would hate you.

 

Dear OP,
Gift is a GIFT....how it is is not to be seen. your wife's parents atleast made an attempt to buy a Saree for your mom...Has your mom gift any saree to your wife's mother? let me guess NO...this is how indian norms goes....gals side have to gift and boys side dont have to do anything....
neways whether your mom gifted saree or not...just ask your mom....if she gifts something to other person , will she like it to be criticized for the choice? here kids saying frankly I didnt like this or tht is not wrong...but there is a distance between in-laws and parents....you got to accept that....

Dear, did you try to realize once how you wife would have felt when you mom said , ' i didnt like sareee that your mom gifted'
To lead a happy married life...learn to bridge the gap between ur mother and wife....
this bridge can only be formed if you keep equal balancing between both...
If mom is wrong....politely tell her she is wrong or what she said was very wrong...'Tell her all this when ur wife is not around' similarly tell you wife politely what she assume or said is wrong' definitely not while your mom is around....

Learn to respect your wife to gain respect in return....it easy to say but tough to understand....'you said walk away if you cant stay with my mom for 3 months' keep urself in her place and most importantly the house is of your wife too...if you make such statements...how will she trust you or can speak out her worries or concern??GIVE A THOUGHT ON IT...

Find solution and dont try to run away from that....you are not a single man in this world who faces such mom-wife issues....its all abt how you take....it....ur wife is your life partner you both have to look after eachother dear....

Hope this helps.

 

you say she is short tempered gets angry easily but she kept her mouth shut in front of your mom.. and she is thankless. you have this mental block that you were not treated great at the wedding. what did they not do. how bad was it that you are holding on to it. She quarreled with you cause she did not like your mom's behavior, but you so 'mature', 'considerate', ' thoughtful' gave her ultimatum that she can walk out if she wants ? nicely done.. this is just first 6 months, there will me many more fights in a lifetime, every time repeat this. As for your mom, next she will pick on something else.. and you both can fight about it some more..

 

Sometimes vent is better kept to oneself..

 

Buddy, I was reading this forum for my short story research. I am not married so I don't have practical knowledge. I felt compelled to write you this note as it is one of the themes I am trying to explore in my stories. But here is my 2c.

Assumptions: Your MIL did something during your marriage time which is not a simple oversight (or is it?)
Your Mom did make an unwanted comment and your family carries/shows that resentment towards your wife.

You have done well when you didn't respond to comments on horoscope mismatch causing diabetes. You have done extremely well in not socializing her medical history. My friend's wife gave my friend's medical report to her parents and all hell broke lose. Thoughtless behavior and also illegal to share an adult's medical report without consent. But you have acted very responsibly. I feel for you that it didn't get recognized, but I hope she will tell this story to someone with pride years down the line.

I agree with above sentiments on "offer to walkout" and "calling wife thankless" isn't helping either shakehead. Imagine all that you do to your mom, would you expect her to feel thankful? just absorb whats going on, express your feelings in a subtle way and always get a positive closure. This is an investment you will make for a long and peaceful life.

Again, it doesn't mean that you have to place your wife on same pedestal as your mom, she has to earn it like your mom did. Do not confront your mom now like someone suggested. Bad bad idea- next thing your mom will say your wife has changed you and this will sow the seeds for a forever problem. It will only reflect poorly on your wife. :notthatway:

Best solution I can think of: Paint your wife as a very graceful, genuine, generous soul to your family. Whenever you see those traits in your wife, always compliment! Encourage her to share any feelings she has like this, be her rock. But encourage her to be polite in expression. Tell her that those impolite comments, though wont be heard by MIL, will hurt you more. Similarly when you share feelings about your MIL, always do it in a civil way and ask her never to bring them up to her parents. Encourage yourself and your wife to give as much benefit of doubt as possible. Delay harsh responses for a day, they usually magically automatically tone down significantly.

What this will give you both is peace and trust. It will not change your/her MIL issues. But once you both become close friends, then that will force both MILs to stop making unwanted remarks irrelevant to current situation :goodidea:

Eventually you should be fighting for each other, not with each other!