Very upset and help urgently needed

ssg · Sep 24, 2015

Hello All,

I have been seeing threads in IL after the divorce of my brother. In my family no one had divorce and it was devasting for us. My brother looked very brave and was doing his job and hoping the future will have something good.
The girl cheated on him saying he didnt spend enough time with her , she made a boy friend and on top blamed my brother false allegations, she was adamant on divorce. even my brother did not go behind her so it ended up very ugly fight.

i am in another country and was pregnant that time, due to which i was not able to go india and do anything. from past 1 yr also with new born baby i have not been able to visit and only talking on phone. i get sleepless nights and always keep thinking, if i would have gone to India i would have stopped this divorce. I would have done that, i would have done this...i feel guilty that i couldnt do anything for my brother.i am not able to help my parents or brother to come out of this trouble.
i wonder if my situation is like this, what about my brother

Not able to see my parents and bro getting devasted and spoiling their lives.
recently i am feeling my brother talks same thing again and again and kind of fear all time. he is talking negative thoughts and kind of depressed.

My parents cant see him like this and suffering every day. Why god punished them at this old age. There are men who are so dominating to wives, torture them for money etc still they adjust. Within our family only i saw.
where as my brother was not like that, ( he was stubborn person and not very jovial outgoing).for those reasons girl left and spoiled his life.

what can i do for him, how can i save my brother?.

please i beg IL members, pour in some genuine counsellors or psychiatrists in Hyderabad Telangana, India. i am planning to go India and take him to doctors or counsellors once.
Also can you all please pray 1 min for me, asking god help me to get my parents and brother out of this worst situation in life.
He should get a life partner and have a kid. Cannot see him living lonely all alone.

JGVR · Sep 24, 2015

You are already doing the right thing by talking over phone regularly.Be supportive to your parents and brother and motivate him to get the divorce done as quickly as possible without any hassels so that he can focus on his life.Good that the girl wants a divorce as she already cheated on him and there is no point in living with such a dishonest woman. Also there is no point in dissecting why this happened in the first place,rather focus on what needs to be done ahead.

sing · Sep 24, 2015

Praying may not be an answer. Act on mitigating your brother's grief.

"Its good that she left", your bro has a bright life ahead, and will find somebody worth his time. Ask him to go for it, but wait for a while. "Time is the greatest healer"

kcb · Sep 24, 2015

Your ex-sil was not loyal and cheated your brother by having a boy friend, so in that case divorce was the best thing....otherwise if your brother continues with her, then his life will be miserable....so whatever happened was good for your brother....

Now, think about what can you do for your brother.....as you said take him to a psychiatrist....talk to him regularly and support him and give him moral support that you are always there for him....

If possible call your parents and brother to US for a holiday, it will be a good change for them....tell him that divorce is not end of life....may be a better life is waiting for him....

twinklingstar · Sep 24, 2015

Dear Op
i must say first of all remove that guilt feeling from your mind. believe me had u been there, still would not have done anything much. as ur SIL already decided what she wnat in life and the mindframe she made i think would have been difficult to change.
it is really good that she left. guess ur bro is still young to remarry.
give some time to him to get out of all this. if u really think he listens to u ask him to take some counselling or some meditation or some break with routine life.
it is very bad phase in anyones life and it takes time dear.

b86monica · Sep 24, 2015

Hello SSG,

Sorry to know your plight. Looks like we both are in the same page. My only brother got divorced last year with exact same reason that you jotted above. The girl cheated on him and they divorced within 1 year of marriage. My brother is too naive and soft person so she took advantage of him. I must tell you that time is great healer. First you stay strong and have a good conversation with your brother and tell him that 'divorce is not end of the world'. Ask him to move his job, make new friends this helps him to come out this trauma . I know it's not easy for parents or your brother to live in a society where they treat divorce as a social stigma. Cheer them up, talk to them on daily basis. You and your parents should give space to your brother. Don’t feel sorry at him all time.
Last year, it was not easy for my family to digest my brother’s divorce. They were shattered as this was the first divorce in my family. All that I can do was to call up to my parents( I live abroad too) and my brother and talk to them. Tell them to stay strong. As time flies they will realise that all that happened was for goodJ

ssg · Sep 24, 2015

Thats correct but keep thinking that i would have stopped her etc.
Yes thats true, she was very adamant and even though i called her she didnt respond and said they dont want to continue anymore.
When asked strictly she quotes stupid reasons that he didnt take her movies, never gave gifts etc.
Even the lawyer laughed at her. But we had no option coz my bro was also very upset that she cheated and was not ready to wait and discuss.

But now he seems to be getting dull and upset.

Thanks for your kind words.

twinklingstar said: ↑

Dear Op
i must say first of all remove that guilt feeling from your mind. believe me had u been there, still would not have done anything much. as ur SIL already decided what she wnat in life and the mindframe she made i think would have been difficult to change.
it is really good that she left. guess ur bro is still young to remarry.
give some time to him to get out of all this. if u really think he listens to u ask him to take some counselling or some meditation or some break with routine life.
it is very bad phase in anyones life and it takes time dear.
Click to expand...

ssg · Sep 24, 2015

Hello b86monica,

Just cant believe, another family having same situation. how is your brother and is he brave enough.
yes i talk to my parents every day , some days they are fine. some days are very upset and crying.
same with my brother.

b86monica said: ↑

Hello SSG,

Sorry to know your plight. Looks like we both are in the same page. My only brother got divorced last year with exact same reason that you jotted above. The girl cheated on him and they divorced within 1 year of marriage. My brother is too naive and soft person so she took advantage of him. I must tell you that time is great healer. First you stay strong and have a good conversation with your brother and tell him that 'divorce is not end of the world'. Ask him to move his job, make new friends this helps him to come out this trauma . I know it's not easy for parents or your brother to live in a society where they treat divorce as a social stigma. Cheer them up, talk to them on daily basis. You and your parents should give space to your brother. Don’t feel sorry at him all time.
Last year, it was not easy for my family to digest my brother’s divorce. They were shattered as this was the first divorce in my family. All that I can do was to call up to my parents( I live abroad too) and my brother and talk to them. Tell them to stay strong. As time flies they will realise that all that happened was for goodJ
Click to expand...

ssg · Sep 24, 2015

Thats true JGVR, will make a list of things to be done and will support my parents.

JGVR said: ↑

You are already doing the right thing by talking over phone regularly.Be supportive to your parents and brother and motivate him to get the divorce done as quickly as possible without any hassels so that he can focus on his life.Good that the girl wants a divorce as she already cheated on him and there is no point in living with such a dishonest woman. Also there is no point in dissecting why this happened in the first place,rather focus on what needs to be done ahead.
Click to expand...

ssg · Sep 24, 2015

@KCB,

my parents have the visa and my mom came for 3 months but she was all time crying only.
i have to bring my borther since he is young and working, was not sure abt visiting visa. but will definetely try.

kcb said: ↑

Your ex-sil was not loyal and cheated your brother by having a boy friend, so in that case divorce was the best thing....otherwise if your brother continues with her, then his life will be miserable....so whatever happened was good for your brother....

Now, think about what can you do for your brother.....as you said take him to a psychiatrist....talk to him regularly and support him and give him moral support that you are always there for him....

If possible call your parents and brother to US for a holiday, it will be a good change for them....tell him that divorce is not end of life....may be a better life is waiting for him....
Click to expand...