When in-laws ignore the DIL

Expectations leads to disappointments. There is no gender difference here.

Generally we share the most personal and important stuff with the more closer ones than the others. The term closed ones does not necessarily mean relatives or family members. It depends on the quality of relationship we have with the people around us. And sharing and caring in any relationship should be mutual too.

We should better have some awareness as to who treats us close to their heart.

I know very well that no one from my in laws' family would share anything with me just like that. They filter the data, analyze whether it is ok to share and then only I get the info. It is perfectly ok to me.
Because I too don't share everything with them either. No expectation, no disappointments.

But I felt extremely dissatisfied when my H chose to hide certain facts about his family matters, although he and I share a great level of sharing about anything.
I could not just shrug off it; so confronted with him just to show how much I was disappointed. That made him think...

Now his family knows that he may leak out the info to me. So they stopped sharing anything with him.
Regardless of being a man, he openly expressed his sadness when he was kept in the dark about his younger bro's family trip to Singapore until the last minute. But I am sure, he will soon learn to limit his expectations; hence able to shrug off like me when it comes to issues like this.

 

really a good ques n the need of the hour ques...
i think women r more emotional wen compared to men!

 

Hurt Because in important and money matters (sometimes H money involved in this) they (both h and in laws) hide it. But silly things they share. H asks this shirt is fine with this suit or this one to wear in function but in the same function u have been hided from lot of things related to H money etc will write more.

 

It hurts when the DIL is not involved in any discussions/decisions and facts are hidden from her, but she has to bear the responsibility/consequences.

ILs have this habit of hiding things going from long time but when time comes to do the work and shoulder the responsibility they will happily dump it on DIL.

She is outsider and family member as per their convenience.

 

When a girl is married ,she is expected to give everything to this new family she is joining into emotionally , physically and financially. She spends most of the time trying to be good on everything with in laws and husband. After everything she does t, if she is treated as outsider and not involved in any family decision , It's obvious to be hurt.

Whereas Man doesn't have any obligation to his wife's side family. HE is treated as royal when he visits them. He has no real responsibility towards that family , hence he doesn't bother much with whats happening around that family.

 

DILs become the part of their family only when some work needs to be done.

 

I am agree with you Neha.

 

Even my MIL will treat me as I am outsider from her family. She will always comment on my sarees ,dresses and jewelry that hurts me alot. If we buy something for her or for her daugther she won't take it and she simply say its not good.. , but if she gave any thing to me I will take even if its not nice also because I am giving respect to them .... as I am grown like that from childhood.. I should not say anything about my MIL in front my husband.. he won't listen.. and he scold me... and he will tell I shouldn't ask directly to her also.... I have to be keeping quite always..... I canot share all these things with my mother... some times i will feel very about these type of suituations..... I dont't know with whom i can share.... I am not asking my husband to go and ask his mother... but I want to him to listen.... after that he can take his own decision... that he will not...

 

Sorry, I don't understand this bit.

When a girl or boy gets married, it is expected that they give everything to the new family they start together... and invest into emotionally, physically and financially to the same new family. The expectation is for both.
But somehow, we interpret as if only the girl is expected to give, that too for the in laws family. Bad logic, right?

Of course I understand the patriarchal influence in our thought process. But, it does not make sense for a couple who live as nuclear set up, or someone like you - who are living miles away from in laws.
What physical, emotional or financial investments are you referring here?

What is the need to try to be so good in everything with in laws? Is it purely innocent motive?
Because we genuinely try to be good with anyone we meet, and try hard to be good with in laws obviously. But when they treat you so bad as if someone non-existing, then what is the genuine need to treat them as Gods here?

Man and woman have equal responsibility towards their in laws family. Unless we are forced to/or by choice living with in laws, we have only limited responsibilities for them. Frankly, how can a son or DIL be responsible 100% of an elderly couple who live miles away from them?

Who said a woman has no responsibility towards her own parents?

Our responsibility for our spouse's parents is to support our spouse when he does his share of responsibilities correctly. It applies for both man and woman.

Finally, why on earth we seek social approval? If not, then why we bend over backward to in laws, and then getting hurt for being rejected.

 

Bcoz women feel his family as her family and expect them to be treated same. Where as man doesn't feel her family as his and simply shrugs . Vicevers may also happens