Sister doing love marriage and my family shattered

OP.. Marriages ...love or arranged dont come with a guarantee. So please do not think that your parents could have chosen better...or she could have let go of the person she loved because of your parents. She has made her decision and you have to accept it whether it is right or not.

if you take sides now, tomorrow when your sis and your parents patch up, you might become the enemy. Be neutral. Talk to both sides and then make it clear to both what you are going to do. If you want to attend the wedding, make sure you let your parents know your reasons for doing so. Same if you are not going to attend the wedding, tell your sister you will always be there for her no matter what, and that she can always talk to you. Just because you dont attend the wedding, the relationship doesnt end.

There are many parents who are totally shattered with their son/daughters love marriage but then accept it in time....some accept it within days, months some after years...and very few turn their back totally. It is not easy to let go off ones own blood...be it a parent or a child.

What your parents are feeling today is most probably "log kya kahenge...what will people think" syndrome...yes people will talk ...until they find something else to talk about. When you give importance to other people, you are showing less importance to your own flesh and blood....so dont think about relocating...it is not worth it. Let them continue to live where they have built their lives...and in few months..the wagging mouths shall stop and everyone will get on with their lives.

If you show to your sis that you are with her, tomorrow you may be able to build a bridge between your parents and her. If you stand with your parents, you will not know whats happening with your sis until she decides to mend fences., and God forbid if things go wrong...at least she will have you to confide in. So be with her...

 

Dear OP,

I was in your sister's situation once. So I can tell you the other viewpoint.

Mine was a love marriage and my family opposed it to the extent that they said they wont attend it. I loved my husband and we decided to do Arya Samaj wedding with just friends present. I have two sisters. At that time they took my parent's side and hated me. They told they will not attend my wedding which hurt me to the core. My elder's sis marriage was also love arranged. At that time she had my full support. But since it was same caste, my parents agreed for her marriage finally.

At last my parents said they will attend the marriage along with my sisters as what will people say that their daughter married without their consent. But no ceremonies were performed at home during my marriage. They did not pay for anything. As I was working I paid for each and every thing. We just had a very small ceremony in Arya Samaj with few relatives in attendance. My sisters behaved very badly during my marriage and did not even perform the shoe stealing ceremony for me. Overall environment was so bad that I spent the night crying in front of my DH.

Now 1 year post marriage - everybody including my parents and sisters is happy with my DH. They have accepted my marriage. But in my heart, I am unable to forgive my sister's not being there for me when I needed them. I love my sisters like anything but am still badly hurt at their behavior during that time.

My advice to you - stand by your sister when she needs you. Accept her choice as it is every person's right to choose their life partner. After marriage everybody usually accepts it in a couple of years. Don't spoil your relations with you sister for the sake of society.

 

Different parents are "cursed" in different ways. Everyone has problems, albeit different.

When I was younger - the only thing mom ever told me a bit seriously was *Don't ever get into stuff like *this*. This referred to the things my cousins and friends did growing up. Like having boyfriends, for real or time pass. sometimes just in jest. I was a total nerd back then (and now) and the only thing that meant to me was getting into XYZ college, so she didn't really need to be worried.

My cousins had arranged marriages. My friends are married, either to the same guys they were seeing back then or others. And I am unmarried now, causing a lot of worry to my parents. The other day, my mom was saying that it may not have been such a bad thing- if I had liked someone back then/now and if things worked out. You live and then learn some.

 

I can very well understand what your parents will be facing and how they'll be asked by this society. Whatever you are saying has already happened with my cousin sister. She married someone from other cast. And my grandfather, that is my father's father had disowned them. He was also saying that, he'll be ridiculed in society, now he cannot go out of the house to even have a casual walk. He literally house arrested himself. But now everything has got back to normal. Thanks to my mother, my grandfather has come to accept them back. Now everyone's happy. I've already told you about my idol professor. One of the response to your post had a similar situation, but even she came out of it. Even her family has accept her. See!!...you're getting good reviews. So don't worry.

I think you should take a stand like my mom did. To reunite both the families. You'll be blessed by doing such thing.

You can also think about the same situation in a reverse manner. Say, your sister agrees not to marry her boyfriend. She'll marry someone of your parents choice. Now, the situation is as such. Your parents will be very happy. Now, no one from society will point fingers and laugh. So even that case is solved. Everyone will be happy except for the main protagonist, that is your sister. Now at that time, will you be happy?..analyse this way. You'll get what I'm saying. One day your parents will depart from this world(I'm sorry,but I'm just saying for example) at that time your sisters condition will not get any different. She'll be living with the same husband for the rest of her life.
Your sister has all the right to marry someone of her own choice. And no one can take that away from her. If possible, you take the initiative to convince your parents.

 

@HopefulNisha
See, once your family excepts you sister na, then this society will also keep quiet. Because they don't have anything to ask when they see that the person is not at all affected by their taunts and questions. So, you have every bit of chance to get things back to normal.

 

@hopefulnisha,

I know exactly what you are going as we went through the same situation when my SIL eloped with a guy 3 yrs back, atleast your sister didn't do that. It was a huge shock to all of us. Another shock was that she had secretly married him 2 yrs prior to that and here we were searching for a groom for her. The betrayal was too much for in laws but they survived. She is happy with the guy and we are happy that she chose a decent and highly qualified person and he takes good care of her. Give your sister a chance you and your parents might like the guy.

Just like your parents my in laws too disowned her. Me and DH too faced the situation where we couldn't take sides. But we kept contact with her just to let her know no matter what she can depend on us.

My in laws were angry with us too for being in touch with her. 1 yr later when she delivered a baby all those anger was gone.Now My In laws take care of the child when she goes to work. they are together now. now when we think back we realized had we stopped talking to her due to in laws then it would have affected our relation with her. Don't let your anger affect this, do keep in touch with her.

Your parents need time. It is she who has live with the person whether chosen by her own self or your parents. Just give time to your parents. Time will heal the issues.

In the meanwhile if your parents don't want you to attend the wedding then don't go but at least call your sister and let her know that you will be there for her.

Is your sister getting married immediately? If there is still time then who knows your parents may change their mind about attending the wedding. In the initial shock they might be saying all those things and later on they may or may not accept them. I would suggest that you remain neutral because if you take sides then it will hurt both your parents and your sister as well.

about the people around the issue was worse for us coz SIL had eloped, but in laws didnt encourage 'well wishers' when people start the topic. no reaction at all and it worked. when people started realizing that they are not reacting they just stopped talking.