MIL could replace any prime minister !!

First let me say this is an extremely mind blowing site..i may not be good with words but i will definitely try venting out here.

My MIL is very smart. She has never abused me..never said bad or dirty words...She has been a teacher for 35 years and is very good in sweet talk..
She pretends to be modern by trying to use english as much as possible but her thought are very indian and i have no issues with that..but when they go over board it irritates..according to her we are the women of house..power of house and we should mostly surrender in arguments with husbands and keep peace. we should satisfy their ego and ignore fights ...well we all do mostly i am sure but there are instances when you cannot let go your personality and foerget that your parents also brought you up with equal respect and opportunity.

She loves to dominate..she decides who to invite for dinner at her place..They stay in india and me and my husband in US. she decided what furniture to buy..how to keep her kicten..how to treat maids..she decided what gifts to give relatives..rather she is the man of the house..she decided what property to buy..she is very up front in negotiations and my FIL takes the back seat mostly..she decided how the lives will be for everyone....And she does this by only talking sweet and nice..She never reprimands her son..mostly sweetly making my husband guilty if he is not regular in calling..

Financial none of us have problems..My hubby has a business and we are very good in CA. i don't care if they come here and shop for even 10,000$ in 3-5/6 months..but i have been very independent and its hard for me to tolerate her dominance and see how every men in the house wooes her..my FIL..my DH..

I dont know how to deal with her dominance..i barely have ever replied back or refused..its kind of suffocating..i only had requested her that i watch TV for 1 hr in the evening can i get to do that..well she wants to hold the remote control like a piece of diamond and if i watch tv in another room they complaint that i dont spend time with them and i insulted them.

NOW The MILLION DOLLAR question..i am pregnant and i lost my mom..so she is the only support for me..she will come a month before my delivery in nov end. NO MATTER WHAT they will never tell me when they plan to return..as i want to apply for day care i am stuck.. I have always had her dominance and now worry "WHAT CONFLICTS WILL I HAVE WITH HER REGARDING THE BABY"..would they want to keep the baby with them downstairs in Tv room mostly...will she want to bath him..

She is a teacher and i am sure now every second i have to listem to her teachings..do this way do that way..she thinks we are dumb and cannot take care of household..but again she is never rude..she says it all politely and hence never in her life time she has ever lost her respect infront her son as far as i know..

Can you guys help me settle my worried mind..

BTW, me and my husband have heated arguments every day..we have been married for 7 yrs and dated each other for 6 (3 in same city + 3 long distance relationship) before marriage..so obviously it was love marriage..we have no respect for each other and just living our lives together..We have a rocky relationship and can go divorce any time..only thing that is binding us together is love and the long number of years that we have spent together fighting...

How to deal with him and his overly dominating/chraging/and always teaching mom.

i know this was a long thread but i needed to write and feel lighted..thanks for reading me.

-Shweta

 

Thanks Sashie, if you dont mind can you shar what kind of involvement and domination did you have to face from your in laws..instances and experiences and if you were able to deal with it what did you do ?? i have had them come and stay with me manier times for months so i know how she can behave at regular times..which areas she would show dominance etc etc...but since this time the situation is different, i have no clue what types of conflicts i am going to expect or have.

-Shweta

 

My dear,

Currently i have just one question,if your situation is as above...how come you planned a family before sorting out issues between the two of you.

Will write more later.[/quote]

Hi Roopa..i am 30+ waited 7 yrs of marriage and still its not going anywhere but would that refrain me from building my own family now ...
my mom's last wish was to see my kids and never wanted one for the same reasons you mentioned but its high time i move on ...atleast i will have some to share all the love i have inside me and have confidence that there is someone who loves me..i will make sure my baby is happy and has the best as every mother..and if any lacks from my hubby side i am there to cover up.

-Shweta

 

Hi Kavya, I am glad to know that I am not the only one in this misery..but at the same time i am sad that there are others like you going through..my husband is very headstrong and since he has made a lot of money and good business at a very young age he has become more egoistic..he was not like this years back but now things have changed..i either dont have much left for him but i cannot think my life without him as well..

Re; MIL trip..i have no control. In the past they would just tell me 1 week before coming..all the while when they are planning they would not let me know and once they are here..there is no way i can ask them when are they going back. I tried having my friends ask them in casual talks and they said "lets see"..they would only tell me a week in advance. I asked her to come 3 months after my delivery when i start work but she is adamant on being here during delivery. i also don't want to leave the small baby in day care but there is no cooperation from their end..the worst is they will never tell me how many months they are going to be here for. and fixing my relationship with my husband is out of questions. A day before my mom passed away we had a fight on the new years eve in public..next day we didnt talk to each other..and the next day when i was at work i got the saddest news of my life..i of course called and was crying like a baby..he came to pick me up at work and on my way back home..while i was broken, shattered, and SHOCKED..(since she passed away in sleep..no illness)..i said.."we would not know when one of will leave and go for ever just like my did and thats when we will miss the one who is gone...so we need to love more to each other more and not fight..anything can happen anytime". you will be shocked to hear what he replied.."THEN YOU FIX YOURSELF..YOU ARE THE MAIN PROBLEM..DONT THINK THAT BECAUSE OF THIS SAD NEWS I HAVE FORGETTEN ABOUT OUR FIGHT 2 DAYS BACK IN PUBLIC ..IF IT WAS NOT FOR THIS LOSS I WOULD HAVE BEEN WORKING ON OUR DIVORCE RIGHT NOW"....i was like stunned..one cannot be that mean to even a neighbor and he doesnt even realize what i am going through..i left for india the same day..i stayed in India for almost 6 weeks with my dad. During the first month i barely spoke to him..maybe 5 times in all that to because if forgot some documents for visa and i had to get them couriered by him... me and him were too far away at that time physically and emotionally..I needed him ..but i just didnt want to talk to him about my loss and tragedy because he didnt deserve to be a part of my saddest phase in life.

Now is the turning point..since we didnt keep much in touch and here in San Jose he was getting bored..he started going out with friends on weekend..we have a big social cirle ..and in 2007 we used to party and go clubbing almost every month..so when i was in india he would hang out with the same group ( 6 couples) and go clubbing..bowling...etc etc...drinking...etc etc and come back by like 4-5 in the morning..while he was partying his life to the fullest..i was feeling that life has no meaning..the only person who understood me was gone and then only person i wanted me to understand me is not interested..well i took all his partying and clubbing as disgrace to our relationship and i felt horrible that this guy has no respect for my mom either..

NOT ONLY THIS..in the online cell phone account..which i have access to i found a wierd number was dialed by him at 1:30am on some day while i was in india..Upon googling i found out it was an escorts number..she had her add in craigslist with all sick pictures and verbage....that's when i decided i am going to end this relationship..and when i spoke to him from india and explained him that infront of my mom's loss and misery that i am going through, the pain of our divorce would not be much and i am so vulnerable at moment that i am all ready for seperation..he must have felt bad..and started saying no we cannot seperate..there were no appoligies no regrets just...'okay i wont do anything..infact have not done anything..i was just curious what that number is since i got an eemail and i just dialed for a minute.." well i had checked the call record and it was only for 3 minutes and no credit card payments..so i gave him a benefit of doubt and came back home. I only agreed to continue with him because i could see my dad go through any more tragedies..and when i came back i though i should have a baby atlease that will help me spend my life..my baby will be my support and i will shower all the love and have bond that i could not have with my husband..and some how he also agreed to have a baby..this was the only gift from me to depressed family to give them a hope to live for something better. And two months later i was pregnant..i see him always missing in action.. he only comes to doctor visits because is scared of the guilt..he loves me but its a strange kind of love..i am sure he will love his kid too but he will not be around much as he is busy making money..and he is very clear about his goals in life..he is ofcourse a shrewd businessman and now for me he means nothing much than the love i have had for him and an existence of a relationship. i lost all respect and a feeling of sacrifice for him while i was going through the worst in my life and he was going through the best party time in his life. i was once a wife who could stand infrint of death for him but now my attitude towards life is ..i come first and when my baby comes..MY BABY COMES FIRST !

Kavya, can you give me more details on the program you were talking about. I didnt find any website online.

Thanks really for reading this long post. Shweta.