Sister's visit turning out to be an issue

@ Pocahontas my views remain unchanged even if it is a sister in law.

If I was a house guest at SIL's (or anyone's) home, I will pitch in to help in any way I can so my visit is least inconvenient to them. In the same vein, if my SIL was visiting me, I would be displeased if there is a sense of entitlement.

I am not sure of your situation, but most people are juggling multiple things- kids, job, home etc, and in that environment, while it is lovely to have guests, it is simple impossible to change whole routine (especially when kids are involved) to accommodate guests . All that simply causes resentment. A little bit of consideration on part of host and guest will go a long way in keeping relationship pleasant in long run.

 

Thats okay op. I have been on both sides of this issue. I think both of you were too tired out at the time of the visit. When there is a visitor schedules go haywire it is not possible to get each and everything done like clockwork or as per your usual schedule. But I think that was your expectation of yourself during her visit. As far as your schedule goes... a lot of it -- the home part -- is in your hands. During vacation time did it need to be quite so hectic? You could have cut down on the non-essentials chores wherever possible and relaxed along with her. Then you would not have resented her having free time so much. You could have gone out or ordered takeout or made something very simple and I am sure if you had discussed food options with her she too would have been flexible and asked you not to take so much trouble on her account either. Next time take her visit as an opportunity for you also to relax along WITH her. Let some things slide and have a good time. Try to keep communication channels open with her. When she visits next, talk to her right away frankly about the things you need to get done and also ask her about stuff she absolutely needs to address during her visit and cooperate to make sure all those things get done-- the shopping trip tells me maybe she lives in a small college town and needed to pick up some essential items with your help or in the big /better shops in your city. once those important things are crossed off the rest is gravy. it is not worth having misunderstanding with your only sibling in a different country. So try to handle it a little more thoughtfully next time.

 

@Pocahontas- Not to pick on you but I thought the underlined sentences are quite ironic. On one hand you say "your kid , you take care of it"- which I happen to totally agree. It is the parents responsibility to take care of their children. However, every parent appreciates some *help* in taking care of their kids - from grand parents, uncles and aunts, elder siblings etc. After all family, right?

If you think "your child, you take care of it", then how does it entitle the younger sibling to expect "pamper" and "spoiling" from older sibling? Does the older sibling not deserve some pampering and spoiling from their younger sibling? Now I have a younger sister too and while I spoil her, she pampers me too.

I understand that you had a bad experience with your sister and as you mention, she used you as her child's nanny. It was wrong of her and hopefully you expressed your feelings to your sister.

This is why I think that no matter who it is, we should not have a sense of (unrealistic) entitlement from others even close family. It just builds resentment like what you are feeling. I also happen to think that regardless of whether we are host or guest, it would considerate to put ourselves in the other person's place and not do anything that would cause inconvenience to others.

 

sdiva - you have gotten it all mixed up! My sister has never treated me badly and never will. And if she does, I hope I will be able to put myself in her shoes and think why she acted the way she did. I was just asking the reader's to imagine things from the OP's younger sister's perspective.

People are not always black and white sdiva. All that I am saying is instead of getting worked up that your only sibling is not helping you out - you should try to look at things from her perspective. And bringing in that different perspective is why we are all here.

Guests should and can help - but it is not your birth right to expect it.With sisters that are close, you are right to expect some help. But not just "entitled" to it. See how it (entitlement) works both ways? And I am sure the OP cooked special and took her out on shopping/beach trips out of her own accord. Now if the sister demanded (asking is okay, demanding without agreeing to help is not - it is not a one way street) for all this and threw up a fit if she didn't get her way, then I would agree with you.

I do think the OP's sister is not a bad sort - her reason for leaving the OP's place is that she feels she is a burden on the OP and her husband. Not that she isn't getting her shopping trips and special meals or that she has to take care of the kid.

I still remember how I was at 22 - I loved to entertain babies. But feeding them and taking care of them as the primary care giver would give me nightmares. That's the difference between entertaining (playing with them/taking them on short walks outside and so on). I also hated spoiled kids who were intent on having it their way, always. Being around kids that were constantly crying would psych me out - now if such a kid was your sister's and you haven't spent a lot of time with them (so no bonding with the kid, you don't know how your sister wants to bring up the kid/reacts to things) then that may not be the best option. I am not saying OP's kid is all this - just painting a scenario.

My own mom took care of her elder sister's son until he was 5. My mom and cousin are very close to this day - my mom knew exactly what things my aunt valued (not necessarily in line with my mom), what things she (my mom's sister) was okay and she was more comfortable in taking care of her nephew. My mom's other sister was still in grad school and hence while she visited during school hols, she was not comfortable giving her sisters a break as she didn't know my cousin very well. My cousin was not comfortable with the other sister and would throw a lot of tantrums when she was around taking care of him.

I am not saying that someone is right/wrong here - all of us have reasons why we behave the way we do and we should also not expect others to behave in the same way as us. We can only change our behavior/expectations and not others. At worst maybe keep away from people who are being painful. This will at least cause less heartbreak.

 

Hi there,

How do you manage when your sister is not around. If your sister is there for a few days for her holidays..it will be nice you let her be in her way. I think she is not throwing all her work on you?. If not, plz don't put your child task on her. Is your husband not around. Why can't you take his help as usual.

Treat your sister as a guest. And make sure she is happy while she is at your place. She won't be with you for ever. Enjoy this time with her..

..
sweety

 

@ marlboro- Hang around here more often and you will see every statement or issue is open for lengthyyyyyyyyyyyyyy debate with many tangents and detours. All part and parcle of life in Indusladies