Opinion on thez unmarried guys -

Ragini,
My 'prayer' is lifted from Seinfeld:
"Serenity now, insanity later" !

 

Atleast these guys were honest. Many guys may confess to their affairs, but paint it as "nothing serious". Others may just lie about it, and most do. Nothing can be guaranteed about future behaviour from past experiences of the person. The risk is the same for both parties even though likely that men may not be so harshly judged as women under similar circumstances.

Maybe we should be looking at something even more pertinent where the probability of a good marital relations can be reasonably expected. What could these be? Maybe a longer courtship period?

 

I find it so hard to understand why the OP has 'rejected' guys simply because of past relationships.

I for one would be extremely nervous to marry someone who had no past relationships. With every relationship, we understand ourselves a little better, we understand more about what we most value and what we can compromise on, we learn to read and understand cues about our loved one.. we learn that people are not black and white but many many many shades of grey ... we learn how to share our time and space and still retain our individuality.

It doesnt always work .. but thats a not a bad thing. We have taken so much from it, as we move on.

 

Good that you have rejected. Do not lose hope. You will find your Mr. Right soon. console1hugsmiley

 

OP - I hear you! Before answering your questions, I wanted to ask you this - Are you averse to marrying anyone who has a prior relationship/significant other or just someone who's been in a live-in (not been married).

If it is the former, I can understand - people with past relationships can have some additional baggage (so can others, but just saying). People around him may compare you with his ex, he himself may do it subconsciously or maybe it might all be in your head. If this is the reason, then I get that.

If you feel differently between people who have been married and people who have been in a live-in. Well, I have known a lot of people who have had live-in partners that they are very committed to. It is just that they don't believe in the concept of marriage. Some christian sub-sects do not believe in the concept of a divorce at all and I know some friends who have had troubled childhoods because of this. Others, think that it does not come to a piece of paper at the end - if you are committed, then you are. If you are not, well then a legal piece of document can not help.

So, if you are comfortable doing this - look past this. Treat the live-in as a marriage and go talk to the guy. Then you will get an opportunity to find out what kind of person he is and why he got into a live-in in the first place. Then maybe you will know if you can live with it. This is only a suggestion. At the end of the day, if you don't feel comfortable with something (regardless of what the whole world says), you shouldn't do it!

 

I think these guys were honest. Do not judge them for being honest. I know, many of us can not accept someone who already engaged in a live-in life prior to their marriage. Reason is it is not morally right. However, there are so many people who would also think the same about separated and divorced persons. Again, for some it is not morally correct to divorce.

Opinion differs. We must learn to accept what suits us better.

I wouldn't marry anyone if I don't love them at the first place. I can't even think of marrying a stranger only by screening his profile. I just need to meet him, interact him, feel the magic and fall in love with him before I decide on my marriage. Again, it is just me.

Like me, you too might have your own selection criteria. You may be right about rejecting the guys for their past. Because you are your moral police. Our advice might be different, and it might confuse you.

Because, I wouldn't judge a man for having a monogamous relationship with someone (be it marriage or live-in or affair) at one period of time, and then separated for whatever reason.
Instead of focusing on his past relationship, I would rather check the reason for his separation. Because it might repeat again.. if that is like suspicion, or addiction or physical abuse or whatever.

Also, I would check whether he is completely out from it, and ready for a new relationship. Also I would double check whether his ex or anyone in this matter won't come back again to disturb your future. Eg- I want to know where the ex is right now, her marital status, how is she doing after the separation (whether she is still after him or not).

But again, it is just me...

 

The guys have either been very honest or don't want to get married. Whichever way it is, their past is their past. The question is what you can live with or what you cannot. If you don't like them, leave it at that. Don't get into a judgmental mode. Serves no purpose.

 

Be happy at least they had been truthful.

 

I am somehow reminded of Shaahid Kapoors dialogue in Jab We Met:
"One woman man"!
Very hard to find one such in current times I guess..

In popular couple therapist Vijay Nagswami's book he mentions:
It is ok to be honest about your past with your to-be spouse. But please cut out the gory details of your intimacy with your Ex! Rightly said.

I guess we urban Indians have so far have come to terms with accepting a person with an earlier relationship without being much judgemental, but live-in with an Ex is yet to be easily over looked..