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Husband Doesn't Enjoy Intimacy :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by desigirl25, Nov 10, 2014.

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Nov 12, 2014 #11

Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

Any problem that takes husband or wife to the point of divorce, will take time to resolve itself. Intimacy helps in fixing the problem but intimacy also needs a relatively problem-free married life to begin with. Chicken and egg situation.

Words we type when worked up about something say a lot. How exactly did you "remind him that he is not working on this"? He is not a stud horse who can be expected to perform at a specific schedule with an or else!

Your husband is being honest. Almost any person would feel like the love has gone out from the marriage after what all your guys have been through.

Your husband might post in a men's forum:
"I SERIOUSLY WANT TO SCREAM! I am trying. I have stopped brining up the past guy. I remind myself to treat her well. I am trying to put it all behind us. But, she keeps insisting on a specific number of times. Even once a week is not enough."

He did tell you the problem.

You are so supportive?

Desigirl, the trick is to make any problem in marriage a problem that you face together. There is a lack of romance in the marriage, and you guys are still not out of the woods after the in-laws and your ex related matter. Bad memories need time and good memories to go away.

Instead of "reminding him that it has been 6 days", look at the lack of intimacy as a problem you both face together. Talk about it. In small installments. With the grace and patience of a 27 year old woman, not the 'I want it now' impatience of a 2.5 year old child.

Once a week is quite a good frequency, in any times - happy, sad or in-between.
Click to expand...

Excellent post.
OP: Follow this post, rather than the divorce tantrum that you are trying.
Like Rihana wrote, be a 27 yr woman when u talk to him, rather than 2.5 yr tantrum.

Ragini25, Nov 12, 2014

Ragini25, Nov 12, 2014

#11

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Nov 13, 2014 #12

Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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Ragini25 said: ↑

Excellent post.
OP: Follow this post, rather than the divorce tantrum that you are trying.
Like Rihana wrote, be a 27 yr woman when u talk to him, rather than 2.5 yr tantrum.
Click to expand...

Rihanna, Ragini, if there is no trust, affection, love, caring does it matter how many times one gets intimate. As OP mentioned, there are other issues at play here besides this and that's why she wants to separate. Maybe i am wrong or may be all the issues are compounding to the fact of less affection, care, love, trust and hence affecting intimacy.

Akanksha1982, Nov 13, 2014

Akanksha1982, Nov 13, 2014

#12

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Nov 13, 2014 #13

coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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akanksha1982, i fully agree. there can be no real relationship between a husband and a wife without trust. how can there be a solid foundation...

coolwinds, Nov 13, 2014

coolwinds, Nov 13, 2014

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Nov 13, 2014 #14

Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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You husband has problem of retrospective jealousy.Which means he has over active imagination and he frequently plays tape in his mind about your past,you getting intimate with this other guy.He feels cheated in real time again again.He pours anger on you.Until and unless you take him to psychologist and he gets treatment for his obsessive mind your marriage aint stabilizing.

You have three option

Get husband treated .Stay on his side till then.Dont expect intimacy till then.
Walk away.You are still young.Marrying second time @27 is easy as compare to @32 yrs.
Stay in miserable marriage forever hoping time w\will fix everything.

Iamagoodgirl, Nov 13, 2014

Iamagoodgirl, Nov 13, 2014

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Nov 14, 2014 #15

desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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Thanks everyone so much for your views and advice....I will reply here properly tomorrow. I have been so tied up with work this week and haven't even had a chance to message..

In short..he has agreed to see a doctor and get hormone levels etc checked...so will do that this weekend. until then will stay busy with work and not think about this too much. hopefullly something turns out to be wrong and can be fixed easily..tho i doubt it.

PS. Also Seema90, just to be clear I am not a sl*t lol.. are we in high school? I never slept with the ex bf ... i only dated him for 3 months and the problem with my husband is the fact that my he has a wild imagination and feels like there is no way of knowing (obviously as he cannot go back to the past duh!)...I mean I always lived at home during university days...he lived in dorms for 5 years..If I wanted I could suspect him..but whatever he told me i just took it as the truth. he basically has trust issues.

desigirl25, Nov 14, 2014

desigirl25, Nov 14, 2014

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Nov 14, 2014 #16

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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Akanksha1982 said: ↑

Rihanna, Ragini, if there is no trust, affection, love, caring does it matter how many times one gets intimate. As OP mentioned, there are other issues at play here besides this and that's why she wants to separate. Maybe i am wrong or may be all the issues are compounding to the fact of less affection, care, love, trust and hence affecting intimacy.
Click to expand...

Trust, affection, love, caring are huge things, and do not get built overnight. Interference from in-laws and ghost of ex haunting the spouse are big dhakkas (shocks) for a marriage to get over. Especially, a marriage that is still new. Intimacy should be the last concern in such times.

Going out on a limb here - Indian males do tend to have a problem with wife's past, sometimes even with simple friends of opposite gender. They need help and time to get over it. Males do tend to have more fragile egos. Bringing up intimacy related matters when marriage is already struggling does not help. The hormone checks and all can wait while more immediate things are sorted.

Like I said, I went out on a limb there. Don't skewer me for what I said.

OP still seems/seemed to have hope for the marriage, feelings for husband, and so I suggested patience and handling it with some maturity.

OP, sorry for this sidetrack. Good luck as you sort out the matter. Wish you the best.

Rihana, Nov 14, 2014

Rihana, Nov 14, 2014

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Nov 15, 2014 #17

coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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your husband feels rather strongly about your previous relationship. only after you mentioned divorce he has toned down on how he verbalizes his feelings but it's still there on his mind. he never really moved past this and may keep doubting and bringing it up. he never trusted you in the first place, so this is not about rebuilding trust. i would rather end this, make a fresh start and move on while I am still young instead of trying to keep a marriage going with a husband who will never really fully trust you. all the best.

coolwinds, Nov 15, 2014

coolwinds, Nov 15, 2014

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Nov 15, 2014 #18

desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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Thanks Rihana, I understand your advice as you are right i still am holding on to hope (although there might not be none)..so you are right i need to be patient and mature..but how do you handle a situation like this with maturity? His escape to the marriage and avoiding all this is working late or being busy playing cricket all weekend. These things don't even matter when we don't even know if the marriage will last so I am trying to not care about that...but for marriage to get better we need to spend time together and communicate.....and he never wants to communicate his feelings..... Thats why i don't know how to handle him maturely sometimes...

desigirl25, Nov 15, 2014

desigirl25, Nov 15, 2014

#18
Nov 15, 2014 #19

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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Seema90 said: ↑

OP!!

I don't recommend you to file divorce.

There might be three possibilities in your relationship:
1. Your DH might had lot of affairs in past so he is not so interested in you.
2. He might be impotence.
3. It happen when a virgin guy marries to sl*t girl, psychologically it makes problems.

I want you to read my post linked below and specially the reply of a guy whose message is quoted below.
Why does people have problems in their marriages?

I don't recommend divorce because after marring again it will be 3rd guy you will be intimating so naturally your hormone level will come down up to 50% so you will lose interest in s*x and the other guy feel obligated. Decision is all yours!!!! Good Luck.
Click to expand...

:shock::shock::shock:

yellowmango, Nov 15, 2014

yellowmango, Nov 15, 2014

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Nov 20, 2014 #20

desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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I think the only problem is I am scared to let go......but i guess we can never know what the future holds. I know this problem will take many years to fix....if it ever does fix at all....

desigirl25, Nov 20, 2014

desigirl25, Nov 20, 2014

#20

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