Washing machine broke down...Scared to go home..How to face?

op, i m in similar situation like urs. I am however living in another city and she visits for 3 days in a month...
I reduced attending her calls by telling lies.. You also try this strategy .. If she talks something serious, pretend as if there is no signal or tell that u have a urgent meeting and cut the phone.. Dont give in for dramas ..
I also get anxiety attack due to her.. My husband came to visit me as I am at mom place post delivery .. he came only twice in a period of 3 months to visit baby.. she made huge drama when he came here.. She is toooo insecure like your mother in law..
Post delivery , she was with me full time in room .. whenever I had to give milk , i requested her to move out of room.. but rest of time , she was with me.. but when my husband returned from office , at that time, she went and sat in another room and told him that whole day me and my mom did not allow her inside my bedroom ... My husband did not tell me this and believed her words and thought that MY MOM is turning me against her..
Lots of things happened post partrum and I got scared how I will rest of life with the kind of dramas created...
Right now , I am believing in God and praying daily to increase my inner strength ... My husband understands problems but does nothing .. Infact he keeps saying that we will move to her town after some years which causes insomnia for me ...
Every day I pray god that situations should change and I should live peacefully.. If I talk back or reply she will become like kaali...
My one peace advice for your is :
1. Try slowly to stop going on weekends to her house.. First pretend illness and avoid one weekend in a month . Then avoid 2 weekends .. Dont tell husband directly that you dont want to go.. Let him go there and u remain at your house..
2. In weekdays , minimise calls as much as possible.. tell lots of lies to husband .. I called her and it was not reachable.. WHile one call , tell signal is week and cut it .. Keep a target to reduce calls to twice in weekdays and then to once in weekdays .. Never give any insider information to her like what things you buy, where you go etc..
You appreciate yourself for coming out of mess for atleast 5 days in a week . I can understand that you might be thinking of weekend and spoiling your weekdays too. To avoid this , you engage in some activities which keeps your mind very very occupied...

 

Sorry Dears,

I am a little new member and suppose being a visitor for 4 years had not given me enough glimpse of the forum. One solution cannot work for all problems, solutions should be problem specific as regards circumstances and people. I am quite surprised why people are beating the bush. I can't understand, if you are not living with your ILs anymore, why do you insist on teaching them a lesson. If people are stubborn dumb heads, have wasted their whole life in traumatising people, do they deserve your time and attention to change them for you? Why should DILs waste their prime time over this rather than enjoying it with their DH. OP wanted a solution for the machine episode, it came through diplomacy minus any drama. The ladies at IL are so much into beating the bush as if a prospective client or a prospective women rights activist has slipped out of their hands and they are going to lose loads of client fee... Patience my dears, her MIL is not dead as yet and as a venting forum, she is going to get her fill from the women force in full for whom a little inkling about exploitation is enough a trigger. So, I suppose, she is in safe hands!

As for the marriage and divorce stats, those from NCRs and ex-Delhites, Sorry for being a local. Tabloids publish the figures like 10,000 weddings on the biggest saaya thing but unfortunately, they don't give you a follow up, this insider thing comes at the local level only. I live in north and have a huge biradari from both sides, so have active networking from east, south and west. Hardly believed when people told me but I have witnessed in my own region, age no matter, edu. no matter. working/SAH, the causes behind break ups are not ILs anymore. it is the ego equilibrium between the boy and the girl. In most of the alliances, parents both sides want them to get married within a month or two because beyond that nobody's sure that the alliance would reach the aisle or not. Engagement breaking has become so common that people now don't even raise eyebrows on the issue. That they are not publicised is another issue due to reputation reasons. The first two years of marriage have become so crucial that ILs both sides are convincing the couples for starting a family after a few months only so that they may have a common responsibility before each thinking about him/herself. And this is certainly nothing being happy about it, it is rather a very alarming trend, which is catching on like fire. Young boys and girls are happy in live ins but not comfortable with the idea of marriage as they don't want to commit or be taken for granted. Good/bad but certainly alarming.

After 22 years of marriage, 8 in joint family, sometimes in sub human condition if not called inhuman, today, I am at the helm of my personal household. Corrected a pampered, ill brought up DH as most may be familiar with my history. I hate self pitying and don't want to go into ugly details but as you asked Yellow Mango, how people live with abusive people, either you die but if you choose to live then fight for your life until you die. It took me very long to carve out my own strategy. I decided to answer him in his own language whether it was verbal or physical!...I was always defensive but decided that I won't take the abuse lying down. I'll give back every single abuse, no matter it didn't stand a chance before him but I won't lie down.

The related aspect is that this thing never went out of my bedroom except on this forum. My parents never knew about my problems, neither ILs, of course being in the same house, people enjoyed whatever little came to their hearing. It slipped out of my Dh that she never relents to hit back if I abuse, that is how my parents came to know about it. When once, he hit me badly and I was bleeding from mouth and nose at 2 in the morning, I went to my SIL as it is without washing and to my MIL. Asked them what should be my next step, though I could see how amusing it was for my MIL, yet both of them came and warned my DH that if this repeats or becomes publicised, they are not going to support him. That was last of it, though it took years to become a proper family man. So, such advice coming from me may seem odd but if my DH who was good enough for first 3-4 years, fought with my MIL for her wicked behaviour towards me, could turn into a cold abuser, can't this happen to other people after years of marriage? Whom are you going to look for support, surely ladies at IL cannot come even if they want wholeheartedly? What I am trying to project is that you have to turn things according to yourself but you should not turn everybody against you, there should be, even if it is a superficial relationship minus ugly face offs, you can expect some help at some level because you are not god and cannot have a control over your circumstances. (especially addressing women in India).

Again, how many of you can boast of your parents being supportive of your acts for tiffs with ILs. How many's parents are going to come full fledged to ILs house to defend or fight for their daughter? Would they support your stand if you separate from your Dh? Would you be ready to give your kids a broken home because DH didn't support your agitation against ILs? So, remember, it is a forum to vent out and not a learning platform to start your life with. Use your own head to understand what's good for you.

As for the coming generation, how many with teens or tweens can say that their children are dutiful, listen to them and do not answer back. Are not more involved in social networking than communicating with real people around? That is the modern picture, people doubting the new marriage stats, go for a reality check. If our children don't listen to us, surely cannot be expected to listen to ILs, when face ego problems with spouse do you think anybody can restore the relationship, are they in for advice? Enough of ILs problems with the present generation, the next gen has new problem of tolerating each other, so it's time we should start working on it with our kids or people here can wait for the tabloids to publish it when it takes the form of an epidemic, to each his own!

I believe in solutions, most real and practical, so I came to this forum as I had lost all friends during the course of life, when I went into a depression and withdrew into my shell, opened my wounds as thought of anonymous friendship clicked but no matter what I don't believe in taking controversies home or deliberately inviting lashing on issues which are just about beating a bush or proving a point. I thought we were helping a mate with our suggestions, never occurred that people here penalize for moving against the stream. So I suppose even anonymous friends are capable of giving you heart and headaches. I have already had my fill!

BTW, LotusAura and ISandhya, thanks girls, it is good to open eyes and mind to reality rather than lakeer peetna.

 

Neetugtb,
I dont know about that, dear...maybe I understand where you are coming from as I am closer to your age group or generation. What you went through is a lot. Wow. But in a way I feel, if the younger gen doesnt listen to us, fine, so be it, how long to prop up this most antiquated system anyway, this outdated setup has to change and if next gen does it then more power to them. Frankly I do feel that the younger women were not brought up like us to believe pati and sasural is all in all, they have us their working moms for instance, and they are no longer as desperate to save their marriages at any cost as women of our gen or older generations were ready to do. Zamaana badal gaya hai.

 

Dear 1Sandhya,

I always believed, Pati hai, parmeshwar na hai, na ban sakta hai. I believe in commitments and am responsible towards my children whom I brought into this world. They didn't deserve a broken home if the parents can't get along. He is a caring father, if he took out his frustrations or fell into the company of people who preached him about handling wife in a certain way, never meant that I'll abandon my kids too.

I was particular about not bringing in trauma in my kid's life and did whatever I could. I told my DH to go where ever and do whatever he wants but I would live in the IL house with my kids, if someone has to leave, it would be him. I have to bring up my kids in a proper way and I'll protect them like a lioness. If my kids would understand what I faced for them, fine, otherwise no regrets because I did it for my own principles.

Today, not only do I strategise my own decision family wise but am prime consultant for my MIL and SIL too who don't go for major decision without discussing it with me. My DH wholeheartedly gave me the authority to take decisions on his behalf or I play an active role in MIL, SIL decision making, in spite of being the youngest DIL is because I created a brand value for myself and not only made people realise but respect it too.

 

Neetugtb, you dealt with your abusive relationship in the way you felt best by standing up. The same advice people are giving here however it is incorrect to say that it is the only advice given here. And its an obvious thing that in the end OP will do what she wants.

But my question is i didnt realize you knew every recently married and as per you 90% of the divorced people around NCR. The figures are not real and absolutely incorrect. And again i see that you are generalizing about the reasons for marriage failure (you are doing the same thing which you are berating other people for). Ego is one of the reasons not all the reasons. Unless you are a divorce lawyer and dealt with ALL the divorce cases here with grounds of divorce being ego thats being more than off the mark. No doubt divorce rates are higher than before but its been because women are now independent and stand up to men and ILs. And it will be totally incorrect to say that its only women who are abused, there are many cases where women are the abusers (they abuse ILs and DHs) and file for divorce.

So in my opinion its incorrect to totally generalize things and also go off topic here. Because I dont see everyone saying that take a divorce to the OP instead they are advicing (please consider the word here - advice, no one is forcing her, its a point of view and in the end OP will make the decision and I highly doubt any of us is earning money here) her to either stand up so that she is no longer abused - she is so **** scared about this incident that she has spoilt her weekdays dreading a weekend with ILs - you may not understand this because you stood up to abuse and only then it stopped, please do remember that. Or she has been adviced to not go to her ILs or reduce the time spent at ILs. Would you prefer she lived in fear?

I think we have digressed enough from the OP's topic and should come back to her issue rather than fighting about the different points of view we have given.

 

Best Wishes OP...hope everything goes fine and God gives her some sense.hugsmiley

 

I absolutely agree with you MrsBV. It is incorrect to totally generalize things. Saying that 90% of recent marriages result in a divorce is as incorrect and exaggerated as saying that all in-laws are bad and evil & all DILs are poor sufferers. Both generalizations are equally wrong. I agree Neetugtb obviously won't know all married couples personally just like ladies who claim all/most in-laws are bad don't know all in-laws personally either. Perhaps that was the essence of these comments.

P.S. I feel in this case OP stood up to abuse too by shifting out and managing a weekday-weekend arrangement of shuttling between two homes within the same city as her in-laws. I don't hear of too many Indian DILs managing to pull that off, no matter how their in-laws might be.

 

LotusAura - I agree she did good by moving out for the week and OP - Dont fret too much just be normal and always remember "This too shall pass." Cheers and take care!

 

Dear neetugtb,
We are all different people on this forum,hence have different views .We all live with different people and have different ways of handling them and also problems arising from living with those people.Hence we are also likely to have difference of opinions.

Glad that you were able to over come your problems in life the way you did.I appreciate you for that.It worked for you but may not have worked for some others.For a lot of people...getting a bloody face would be the end.While you chose to stay in that environment and fight for your kids...others might have considered taking the kids away from an abusive environment a better option.For some women ,him being a good father is enough....for others him being a bad role model is reason enough to leave. Your struggle was yours thatyou fought to the best of your ability and according to the options you had as an alternative.

I have also been married for 19 years....I also write from my experiences and how I dealt with them. Fortunately I never had to stay in a joint family ...nor had to face the problems you faced.I had different problems and faced them differently with good results.

For you a long period of abuse was acceptable as long as the end result is a success.For me ...a day of abuse is too much and totally unnecessary.From my experience...the abuse reduces and stops the day you start putting up a fight. What worked for me is that if you can't get along with me...don't stay with me.If you can't stop the verbal abuse ...then you don't get to talk to me...talk to yourself...talk to the walls...I am not interested in talking or listening.It worked.

So lets agree to disagree. A forum need all kinds of people with all kinds od experiences and views. Lets try to do it in our own ways with out getting into conflicts of views with each other(I am as guilty of this as any one else) and learn from each other.

I have learnt so much from this forum and hope to continue to do so.Lets just agree to disagree and continue with life.Nothing personal.If you were offended by something that I wrote...it was not my intention and I apologize.We all need to learn.I need to disagree in a softer words....like so many other poster do.There is so much to learn here.
Cheers.hugsmiley