Washing machine broke down...Scared to go home..How to face?

what is this 'you are not allowed'.. You are smart and independent person. If you follow her rules, you will keep following them for the rest of your life. Break all her stupid rules one at a time, without any confrontation or discussion. If she ask tell her ' I don't know'. give evasive answer, it is not her business anyways.

 

My dear Yellow mango,

I have told what I am seeing around, no exaggerations though I am no authority to issue a certified data. The tables have turned now as I said, Delhi is moving very fast. Boys have become reluctant to marry and if they do it is not before 31-32, as for girls, working or non working are being too egoistic to adjust- result-counselling, if the relation manages to drag up to two years then you can hope that they may live as a couple otherwise no hope. It is like a wave. At this stage in Delhi, it is not the question between DIL's and ILs anymore, it is the adjustment and ego equilibrium between the couple that is causing a havoc. It is no more pleasing or bending, both side IL's are more into trying to settle the couple down, especially in cases where women are earning well, they don't take it from Dh only, leave the ILs aside. I don't see young girls around me having thoughts as pleasing DHs and ILs, it is rather the other way around now. I would suggest you to closely observe the situations rather than seeing the topping. That is modern Delhi.

As for OP, I suppose it is her DH, she is more concerned about rather than her egoist MIL. Well, you may call this 2 day arrangement an exploitation by DH, I call it one of many compromises that you make for a happy living together. He could have easily left her at the mercy of his atrocious mother and gone to live alone as most other men usually do to save their own skin but he cares about her and took her along with him. And to remind you, the bargaining chip thing, it could have been if it were you but it is OP who has not taken the decision of staying separately, it is her DH who has decided for them to stay away and wants her to go according to his strategy if they want to stay away forever. Why to waste your time, energy and peace on making somebody understand and change when your DH is all out to provide you and take care of your worries(buying a machine without even letting OP know). I find him very caring and balanced. He doesn't want ugly circumstances for his wife and he doesn't want OP to disrespect his mother by keeping both of them away and happy at their own ends. I call it clever tactics on his part. I suppose if you take a plunge your goal should be a happy life for the couple at least for they are the ones who are basically getting together rather than I, me and mine.

 

I live in NCR too...most relatives are young working couples.Most neighbors are young working couple.Not a single divorce...one case of counseling which worked well and both are happy.I disagree , the figures you have given are no where close to reality.

So is that bad? Why do you expect the women to bend over and continue adjusting? How about the other side doing some adjusting too.I wish what you have written is true.That would mean...slowly we are going in the right direction.Seriously...if women have to continue to be in the same state ...then why spend a major part of your life getting an education and getting a job? You make it sound like the women who have been doing the adjusting till now are all happy.You make it seem like women expecting some adjustment is wrong.They have been adjusting for so long...if they are going to go out there and do' what was considered a man's job' and continue their earlier duties too without any compromises from their partners...there are not going to be many happy marriages.

Seriously??? you make it sound like he has done her a favor by not abandoning her to the mercy of his mother. MIL abusing a dil is not a birth right. And if you think most other men abandon their wives with their abusive mothers and move out alone...then again...I say you are wrong. That is an exception ...probably grounds for divorce too.

I did write that this is what I would do if I were in her place.

I am a member of this forum too and can decide how much time ,energy and peace I can spare if someone is asking for advise.There is no compulsion to read the advice .....or even take it seriously

Does it look like his wife is not facing ugly circumstances? She was trembling in fear at the prospect of facing his mother. A grown,educated,independent woman reduced to a nervous mess.....is that not ugly?

 

Not at all in reference with this thread, but generally:
Agree with you to some extent. I too observe a lot of reverse scenario where the in-laws and parents go out on a limb to pacify & bring together a 'warring' couple. It is very common nowadays. I'm glad somebody else pointed it out too as all sons & DILs are not always perfection personified either.

 

Dear Neetugtb,

Thank you for the reply. Somethings that I see in your replies are still testimony to the fact as to how adjustments need to be made. I do not see you ever supporting the idea that the ILs should make adjustments or create a safe environment right from the start.

1. Me and my husband are from Delhi, he is born and bred in Delhi and I moved there when I was a kid. I do not see the statistics that you have stated. However what I do see, is that the ILs have grown a lot. Its the other way around of what women here have stated. The ILs have become very open minded and know that if they keep peace with the DIL, only then will they have open and good relation with their sons and the grandkids. I find this extremely liberated IL in and around me. 4 of my friends got married around the same time as me. Their inlaws turned out to be extremely supportive while mine did not. None of us are headed towards divorce !! (There are still those inlaws who dont treat their dils right therefore this forum, I am sure you must of aware of the atrocities that ILs have done with dils here in this forum)

2. Now, you have also said that so many thinngs about adjustments and loosening the strings a little to accommodate the inlaws. Listen to the harsh things they say sometimes without reacting. I would just like to say this, why is it that the girl's parents are never rude and angry with the guy or his family (if they find something that is not right), like the guy's family wreaks havoc on the girl from the day she enters the home?? Because they are under the impression that if we say something, we might jeopardize the happiness of the girl. Why does the guy's family not think this way that if the girl is mistreated, how will she and their son be a happy family?? Because girls over the period of time have set this in place that you can say whatever you like, I will take it and make adjustments and bend over backwards to please you. I am not saying adjustments are not necessary, but i give up my peace to satisfy your ego, now that is just swell and is not going to happen !! Earlier women were dependent on the men (I still feel they werent, if men took care of the finance, the woman took care of the household, but somewhere down the lane, taking care of finances emerged to be more important thus women felt that they were dependent), but now that women are also financially and emotionally secure, they are not ready to take bull **** from anyone. And they should not. Women today are a lot more independent than what they were earlier and have found a voice, why should they not exercise it to in the least safeguard their and their parent's self respect??? If we still keep working and trying harder than ever to please IL who dont respect us, how do we expect to change anything that has been happening all this while to women??

Indian woman, the epitome of sacrifice but caught in the eternal cycle of drudgery. For all the sacrifices women make, we were given the medal of "epitome of sacrifice", but that is where it ends, living life happily was not assigned to us. But now that I am educated and secure, I will not fall prey to this system and give up on what I think is rightfully mine. (my self respect) I do not want that medal of sacrifice. I will make sacrifices where it is appreciated rather than at the hand of the people , who will trash that sacrifice as soon as I turn my back. I have made adjustments in my life, to a great extent. But I will draw the line when the buck has to stop. We cannot have a happy life at the cost of me losing my individuality and my peace. But if I choose to keep giving in, which is what even I did in the beginning, I realized, its like a monster, you cut one head, and in its place 2 more heads come up. (It is wishful thinking to expect that if I do this, maybe the next time things will improve, it never does, and blame me for thinking that it will)

I cannot not take a stand in my life and expect the society to change for the better.
If I dont stand up today, my daughter and sister is goin to learn the same and n not stand up for herself tomorrow.

Also, I dont think it was just Op's husband's decision to move out, Op was also responsible for that decision. Because Op's husband already has said that when he moved out earlier, it was a mistake. So why d you think he would repeat the mistake if it was all dependent on him. If not overtly, but Op was part of that decison making. If we were to go by your stated standards, the woman should have made adjustments and tried to make it work.

These steps that we are taking in our lives, standing up for ourselves, its new and also its scary for us, thus we join these forums to gives ourselves a reality check to consult our peers and also take their opinion. Therefore the energy and effort in the forum. Plus, I dont want my husband to stand up for me always, I need to stand up for myself. (Not everyone's husband might be supportive). Plus my husband might stand up for me, but he probably wont for my parents. Why should I have someone else belittle my parent's self respect?? Is this why they educated me and never compromised on anything while I was growing up, so that once I get married they have to face humiliation at my inlaws's hands? We are two sisters, and my parents were asked to try again for a boy, after my sister was born, they straight away refused and ridiculed the idea saying that their two girl were two boys for them. That is how I reward them for believing is me?? By leading a half life and have anyone hurt their respect??

It is not that time anymore that the man has an upper hand in the marriage, (is what the ILs think therefore abuse the system), the woman is equally responsible. Financially, emotionally, you name it. SO why should I have to take abuse and always be worried abt pleasing people. Also, you said that we make sacrifices at our work place, yes we do, because it is our workplace, its not our family, If i have to pretend even in my family, then its not a family. !!

 

Oh my god
Op word by word your situation and mine matches except that i am a project manager having 11 yrs of experience
Mine too is very abusive , uneducated , blaming , belittling , criticizing.
My husband is same like yours.
Fil not deaf. But acts deaf when mil shouts
I m married for more years.
1. My mil also does same as urs. She shouts if i buy kadai or vessels. She wants me to take vry old vessels from her house . Her mixie is 25 yrs old.
I purposely buy vessels and kadais knowing her attitude. She has shouted at me for buying non stick kadai. My reply was ' I dont know. Your son only bought it. '. ( it s a lie). Then immediately she goes my dh and shouts regarding kadai for 20 mins. I want to reply ' it s my house. Mind your own business ' . But i am not able to reply so
2. I see from another thread that you are reading how to act deaf. Please dont do that. I acted deaf for some years. I never used to respond and used to stare at wall. I thought that she would feel insulted if i dont reply and ignore her. But madam has becum tooo rude as she thought that i am acting deaf. She knows internally that her words are affecting me
As soon as my baby was born she stated telling that she s dark . She kept telling that baby is dark . I got so furious and replied back for first timr in life. Huge drama was created . I replied back for few other things which i could not bear. She made very big drama and my husband told me ' let us seperate' . I did not get breast milk due to tensions.
If i had talked back initially itself she would not have gone to this level. I also feel very depressed as i took all crap from her . If u keep taking crao from her you too would feel like me
Replying back s not a option for me as of now. But the next time she ill treats me i M going to walk aay from the room
3. Someone had said what is the point in living a life being scared of a uneducated woman . The question applies to me. I am trying maximum to stand up for myself by being my real life. But i understand you op that it is sometimes not possible to be bold with abusive mil and coward yet loving husband

 

I agree with Neetugtb.

OP's situation is unique; having a prematurely deaf FIL, an insecure MIL, herself being a physician this is not the story of every Indian household. Then why are those arguing with her continually generalizing this unique situation and turning it into an 'every_indian_woman's plight' story and proclaiming that 'this always happens' and 'we should not put up with this' ?

As for OP. I feel she is using the forum to vent, as it does appear OP's husband has found a solution starting with the weekday home arrangement. It would be a pity that now that the door to freedom is half open OP should jeopardize it with a premature and completely unnecessary declaration of defiance. I feel OP should follow her h's lead who appears to have a handle on the situations and continue to use this forum to vent.

 

For any situation dont apologize or surrunder . It will boost their ego and they will repeatedly offend you.
Sometimes i question my self why the hell i am not bold. But i am scared of living alone. I am also scared that i might go to depression if i take crap from mil.
Only way i have is to avoid her as much as possible and to walk out from thevplace when dhe opens her mouth to shout

 

Agree with you. I said the same thing in another thread but was targeted by some ladies for saying that! I'm glad more women are pointing out this fact that it does not happen in every household. Some people (not all) vastly generalize the victimization situation. Although there is no denying that it does happen in some unfortunate households, but it is certainly not true for all homes.