Battlling the bossy MIL - how to retain peace of mind?

mimita · Mar 3, 2014

Hi friends,
Of the many issues I have with my MIL, things keep coming back to the first issue that caused huge resentment.
So early on when my DD was born, my MIL somehow assumed that I would continue to be the non-interefering person that I was until then and organised a naming ceremony on the 11th day to name the baby after her - just in the horoscope not in reality was the explanation offerred. My issue with this was that she didnt even inform me about it. Just 3 days before the function she tells everyone around that this is happenning.

Until then, I had thought it was going to be a cradle ceremony only. Agreed it was not her permanent name, but me as a mother should have a say in whatever is arranged for my baby. Anyway, I had a huge fight with my DH, and all said and done the ceremony was still held despite my objections. I lost all the trust I had for my mil . i saw that she was passive aggressive and did not tell us before hand since she feared that I would object.

I left to my mom's place and once I came back, I was very vary of her and started making it clear to her that all decisions wrt my DD will be taken by DH or me only. She has been forced to back off a bit though very reluctantly.

I am now however, constantly vary of her. I keep fearing that she will feed the baby something I dont approve of and do things that I specifically have asked not to be done. Am already dealing with a lot of anxiety issues because of her, and this second guessing her and putting a stop to things she *may* do, is taking a huge toll on me. I realise that I feel hugely threatened by her and hence get the urge to establish myself as the boss as far as my child is concerned.

All this power struggle is killing me I want peace of mind and not constant battles. How do you cope?

Pramati · Mar 3, 2014

Hang in there. * Hugs*

Maddy2087 · Mar 3, 2014

Whats you husbands take on this?

SGBV · Mar 3, 2014

Are you working?

Where are your parents?

Is there any trusted ones around to keep your child safe when you go out for works?

Is it easy to find maids/nannies in India? Are they trust worthy?

Having said that, please make sure that you are not solely dependent on your MIL with regards to your kid.

Never mind what your husband thinks about this. This is your right to feel important in your baby's matter. What if your husband thinks that his mom should be the first priority? Wouldn't that make any difference to you being her MOM. So hang in there.

Tell her to back off. She should consult with you either directly or through her son with regards to anything related to your child. She should then convince you if you are initially not in terms with that.
You should feel safe about your kid and your bonding with the kid when you aren't at home.

If you are not a working woman, be bold and inform her directly that you have other plans with your child.

My MIL also wanted to name my son after her dead dad's name on her own. She said nothing about that till one day before the function. I was at my mom's home then, so I never understood what was going with us then.

When I learnt, I was shocked, as he was my first son, and I had so much in my mind about him. But I was helpless. She named his as the way she want, and I ended up regretting for that till date. (I changed my son's name now and its a diff story)

But I learnt a lesson. Now I had a DD, and for her my MIL got to hear the name which I put only the time it was named. She had no say in that despite of living in our next house.

indoc · Mar 3, 2014

Your MIL is a sick sadist.. naming your baby after her, that too with out your or your hubby's consent.
Stop worrying.. enjoy parenthood...

MaliniHari · Mar 4, 2014

Hey... just be away from her. And your fears are baseless and it is making things worse than it really is. Remember, you are the MOTHER!! Nothing ever could replace a mother! Do not be insecure with your kid being with her, she could only nurse! But you are the mother!

guesshoo · Mar 5, 2014

If you are a stay at home mum, you don't have to worry much. You will be the primary carer. In case you go to work and MIL will be your baby's primary carer, relax and give the reins up for your own peace of mind. The time you get with your child is too precious to be sullied by what you have no control over.

Be firm. Be consistent. All the same, be polite. Explain to your MIL what you expect from her. Try to explain to her and include her in your parenting decisions - like feeding schedules, disciplining techniques, sleep training etc. If you have her on your side, things are bound to go smoother.

Also do consider your MIL's suggestions - she could have a valid point; do not let your resentment cast a shadow over her suggestion. If you don't agree with her, let her know politely why you think her idea is not suitable. If she won't listen, you need to calmly weigh whether this battle is worth it - say you have chosen to not give any sugar till your child turns one and your MIL brings sweet "prasad" close to your child's mouth, move your child away instantly and be firm. (Happened with me and I knocked the spoon off the person's hand without even thinking about it!)

More than anything else, make sure you are happy. In case you feel unduly anxious, talk to your doctor about it. Take care

cheenu123 · Mar 5, 2014

Dear OP,

While having next meal together, declare very firmly, yet politely, that when it comes to your daughter, you would not tolerate any dominance from someone else, even your own parents.
You have to act a little smart, it seems that you are working and you your MIL has to baby sit your DD. I would suggest that either you hire a nany or put DD in a day care.

jigyasa · Mar 11, 2014

Dear OP,

Sorry to hear about your troubles with your MIL! I also have a bossy and interfering MIL who tries to take over everything. And on top of that, she pretends to be a victim when confronted. I used to be very docile and accepting in the beginning but it got too much so I started putting my foot down. You have done the right thing by putting your foot down and frankly, don't feel guilty about it. You are the mom and you get the first say in who the baby is to be raised- of course, she has more experience raising kids (he raised your DH) but you have to be firm but polite in saying that you like things done in a certain way. Of course, once in a while, let her do her thing so she stays happy. However, do not fear that it will turn your life upside down- other people can have only as much power over you as you allow them to have.....

Good luck in dealing with your MIL

~ J