having rough time and depressed

venus14 · Feb 25, 2014

Recently I came to know about this site and visited few times. I am going through some issues and really want to get some advice. Me and my dh are married for 17 years. He used to be nice person and loves kids. I know that he used to care for me even though he doesn't express any love. He is so attached to his mom. He loves everything that indian and hates to live in US. He is ready to move back to india anytime. His mom like typical MIL very manipulative. He adores her and I feel very insecure after all these years. I don't want to move back.
I am going through terrible time now. We mainly used to argue about his emotional attachment to his mother and his frequent india calls. He thinks even kids needs to speak to his mom every week. Two days back he said that we are not fighting much and looked happy. Yesterday, I was eagerly waiting to watch Olympics closing ceremony with out any disturbance. Because I could not watch the Olympics opening ceremony peacefully. Because my MIL gave miss call and we had to call her back and she was pestering my kids and dh about India visit. So I wanted to watch at least this one with out any disturbances. We finished dinner and started to watch it and then suddenly he said where is the phone I want to call India. I was so disturbed. It's all started from there and it turned in to worst today. I could not sleep well at night and today morning we again argued and my kids were 15 minutes late to school. During the argument he said 'I hate you' many times in front of the kids and I said if you hate me, don't eat anything what I cook for kids. Then he said to me don't eat anything that come from my earning, earn your own food and eat it'. He said it twice. It is so hurt full. He said his heart is in india. he is just living here for me. I am in tears and i have not eaten anything from morning and don't feel like eating. He is ignoring and not at all talking. I am so depressed. He is so adamant and I am scared what he will plan next.

indoc · Feb 25, 2014

What you both need is a long vacation in India... your hubby is going through mid-life crisis and "pangs-of-guilt" about abandoning his mom in India..

venus14 · Feb 25, 2014

100 views and 1 reply

venus14 · Feb 25, 2014

He said that he will not talk to me anymore. He is desperate to go back and settle in India. If I accompany him he may leave me there and would never come back. I have seen him 17 years and he has always been a mom's boy.

indoc · Feb 25, 2014

One alternative (but difficult) option is bringing you MIL for a short visit to US.. saanp bhi mar jaye aur lathi bhi na toote

Iamagoodgirl · Feb 25, 2014

I know that he used to care for me even though he doesn't express any love.

This might be root of all insecurity.You dont know where you stand with this guy.Or you feel he loves his mother more than he loves you.

Phone call once in a week to MIL is fair.Nothing wrong in kids communicating with MIL.You can call her latter once you finish watching ceremony.

marlboro · Feb 25, 2014

ghar ghar ki kahani I know you are all settled in USA and dont prefer living in India but try giving it a chance. India, at present, is not so bad either. Choose a place in the same city as family and try living in a seperate house, if possible.

beingloved · Feb 25, 2014

What is THAT bad about calling his mom? About settling down in India, both of you need to have a long conversation alongwith your kids. But if he is adamant about going back, you are also being that about staying there..

nalinidiv · Feb 25, 2014

In ur case, ur DH calls his mom just once a week.. I don see anything wrong in that.. nor the action of him making the kids to talk to der grandparents... afterall the kids need grandparent's role in der life... please understand this and half of the problem will automaticaly vanish from ur life.
Ya I can understand ur thought of not going back to India..Its ur personal wish, I donot have any eligibility to comment on that.PERIOD.
But whats the problem here? Is it that he's always talking to his mom or that ur not even allowed to watch a single program of ur choice peacefully?? or going back to India??? I feel the hatred towards his mom is the sole reason for such thoughts..n u automatically start to feel dat ur losing ur peace of mind coz of her.. and so the hatred grows...
To handle this scenario, just dont think too much abt ur MIL now and always never talk when ur angry...whenever ur angry divert ur thoughts to some action... cool urself and handle the situation..
and regarding india plans... talk abt sensible reasons for choosing us over india (in a casual talk)...am sure if the reasons are gud he wud want to stay back..

venus14 · Feb 25, 2014

He calls his mom everyday but wants kids to talk every week. He definitely loves his mom more. His mom is managing all of our property in India. I wanted to buy plot in Hyderabad but his mom made us to buy in his hometown. Also she started building outhouse there without asking my opinion. My dh said she asked him about it and they went ahead with it. Here also he bought the house without asking my choice. I am so confused and scared now.