Burden of taking responsibility for nephew

Rihana, you've dissected it beautifully! Much as I agree with you, the "damage", so to speak, is done. All she can do now, as you have pointed out, is to make the best of the situation.

 

I know how you feel about this.
Most people outside of the country avoid mingling with other families(Relatives). Trying to stay with their own family.
I don't the exact reasons. Maybe problems in relations, status, usage of traditions, financial.

But, relations in India are much more than this. Taking care even not asked to, feeling responsibility and taking it, helping when needed even uninvited, making time even on busy schedules, Helping to solve problems in difficult times.

As part of the family, you try to make a very good time for the family.
But, as member of the family, you should represent your family to other families(relatives).

I think that was your DH was trying to do.

I know, how mother really tries to give everything for the family. But (in India/Hindu tradition) you should try your best for your relatives/families.

Source: From the person i see everyday, thinking "Mother is source of life".

 

Rihana has brought up two very valid points that I was too scared to. Now that she has cast her usual corrupting influence on me, I am compelled to give my opinion in these regards, too.

This is exactly right, and has been my experience too. When I go to India, there is a lot more that I want to see and do than spend time with relatives in their house (I have very nice relatives, but this is not the point). India is special to me in some different ways (it's an exotic country where I met and married my husband), and like Rihana says, there's a dimension of experience here that is simply not extended-family-friendly. In fact, it is a great opportunity to bond with spouse/children in an intimate, familiar setting that may not be available anywhere else in the world. This matters, too.

Also, I'm not sure who is getting a chance to fly all over the world/the US for fantastic family vacations. We're not. My husband has very limited leave times - when we take a longish vacation, that's usually it for the year. So, we may have to combine seeing family with many other things that we want to do. We spend all year working hard, and when it is vacation time, we actually want to have a vacation.

Once, we went on a much-needed vacation. My husband needed a break from work, and I needed a break from childcare/housework. We stayed with family (*see point below, relevant here too), and ended up cooking, cleaning, babysitting (relatives grabbed a chance to leave their kids with us while they went out), and sitting around the house (too many small children to actually do anything elaborate all together). I call it my "Trapped in Paradise" vacation.

*I'm very curious as to who all you wonderful people are who are so cavalierly throwing around this notion of "family hospitality" versus hotels. On two occasions, I suggested (asked, begged, pleaded, cajoled) that we stay in a hotel. The reaction to my suggestion would have been better suited to my asking if we could immediately take all first-born children in our families to market, to sell them (that is, not good).

Both vacations were ruined by all of us being in too-close proximity in less-than-ideal conditions for too long. Hosts were just as ill-at-ease with guests as the reverse. So, in my experience, for some people, "hotel" is a 4-letter-word. If I have no choice in where I stay, I am not your guest so much as your captive.

There is no consideration for EVERYONE'S comfort, fun, privacy, convenience, and the greater good of an enjoyable vacation for all (but, I guess, lots of consideration for "What will the people say"). We don't have to be in each other's faces 24/7 to have a good time, even if we don't see each other all that often. I'd rather take less, well-planned quality time, than lots of uncontrolled, prolonged contact that makes everyone crazy.

The reasoning applies equally to my family , in case anyone was wondering. We just don't mind if someone would rather stay in a hotel.

I still think OP cannot renege on the arrangement now, because the child already thinks he is going on the vacation. But in future, there is nothing wrong with drawing boundaries. It does not mean we are being disrespectful or uncaring. On the contrary; it is a sign of love and respect to keep everyone's needs in mind, not just expect adjustment, sacrifice, and understanding from the ones who are (often erroneously) considered to be blessed, fortunate, lucky, "overseas" (which comes with its own stresses and strains).

Please direct any grenades with my name on it to Rihana. It's all her fault.

 

One solution to all those wary of spy satellites tagging along: Don't tell people in India of your travel plans, land in India, spend quality time with only your husband and kids, have fun the way you all prefer and then complete the formal part of the visit.

But a sincere request to forum members: life may have made you cynical and wary of others, however please don't let out your insecurities on children, specially if they are not your own flesh and blood. They don't deserve it yet.

 

Ansuya, I am not sure that a kid who isn't even 10 years old will even understand what you are saying about boundaries, family bonding etc. Many people in India still treat their cousins at par with their 'own' siblings. To children who have been taught that way, the only boundary they will see is between themselves and a brother/sister. They will probably not understand the nitty-gritties of family bonding vs extended family bonding. But they will certainly feel hurt at the distinction between 'us' and 'them'.
It becomes particularly difficult in the case of a child who has shared a great relationship with an uncle or an aunt before they moved abroad. How would you explain these issues to the child in question ? Will you tell him/her that he/she cramps his/her uncle/aunt's style of having fun ? Or that he/she is suspected to carrying tales back to his/her parents ? Or that he/she may fiddle with their exotic cameras and stuff ?

I don't find it shocking that you had to share the duties of the household. The pace of life in India has also changed considerably. People don't lead an idyllic life there, just like the rest of us. Having guests for a week or two is as difficult. And in that respect, your words about love, respect, understanding etc, are as applicable to the migratory birds as they are to the extended family in India. A family visiting for an extended period is a big burden for those managing the household, and when we visit from abroad, a hapless Indian woman (maybe a SIL) will probably be shaking her fist in the kitchen while the visitors figure out the best way of 'bonding as a family'.
You can draw the first boundary for yourself: don't stay with relatives. Once you take the first step (your hosts will possibly not deny hosting you to your face), you will find that your holidays are a lot more enjoyable. For everyone.

 

do the kids get along? if yes, more the merrier. if there are two already then one more is not a big deal, unless they are going to antagonize each other. if the entire family wanted to accompany you, i would understand getting grumpy about it!

 

My mom was never in favor of taking other people's kids (even niece and nephews) without their parents. Her logic was if something happens, people will not see that you took the kid with you but will feel that you didn't take proper precautions or care.

We just keep our visits to India, short and only family socials and keep our outings in US only. The only thing that bothers me is the laundry list of items that relatives, nieces and nephews ask us to get from here, most of them branded names and expensive something we don't buy for ourselves. By mistake, if you mention that you bought it on sale, they are like "may not be good quality". They don't say that but body language is enough. Not sure why everyone needs the latest phones, ipads and tablets.

Nieces and nephews being spy satellites is true. They communicate in great detail to their parents about happenings.

OP, this time, the cat is out of the bag. I don't think you can stop it unless you cancel the trip to goa. Just make sure that you take care of your nephew and he doesn't get hurt or becomes sick (esp. with outside food).

 

Sweetypi, did you read my whole post? Did you read the part about how I wanted to stay in a hotel, and was not allowed to? Is it fair, on any world in any universe, to force me to stay with you, and then expect me to "pitch in" and do housework, cooking, and babysitting, which is what I go on vacation to get away from? I would gladly eat out every meal, stay in a hotel, and pay for everyone else to join in, too, if they wanted.

Instead, I have to stay in someone else's house (because hotels are bad? I don't know - no one gave me a reason for the aversion), not eat out (because outside food is bad, never mind that the "inside" food was not to my liking, to say the least), and work for my room and board. I don't expect anyone to serve me, except those I pay to (in a hotel). I will gladly help out in any way I can, if that is what I signed up for. But slogging during my vacation is not my idea of a vacation. And when I have guests over to my house, I don't make them do housework or look after my child (I especially don't expect the ladies to do all the same things they have to do in their houses), unless they insist upon it, or it's something simple and necessary, like making their own beds.

As for drawing boundaries, these are adult decisions, to be made by adults. Children have no part to play at this level of the discussion. I'm not sure where a child would get the idea that he was automatically invited along to everything, unless someone tells him this. Now that he does think this, yes, I would think it unfair to change the decision (I've already said this about three times, I think). But I won't be held to ransom by children or their parents, no matter who they are.

I've already made the mistake of falling into this trap twice, for probably the same reasons as OP: I don't want to offend, I want to respect "culture", and so on. I just can't figure out why this doesn't work two ways. I am respecting, adjusting, obeying, bending, and compromising (actually, giving in - there is no compromise) - but no one seems to care about extending this same courtesy to me.

 

Moral:
Marriage = 'Trapped in paradise' vacation?
:hide:

 

You have to be insistent Ansuya. For those back home, your refusal could very well be a reflection of their ungracious behaviour at some point of time. You have to spell out your exact difficulties, clarify that it has nothing to do with them and they will let you be.
I can give you another example. Before buffets and catering services became the norm, guests at weddings were literally force-fed by their hosts, even if they were on the verge of throwing up. You may as well ask, in which universe is a guest force-fed to the point of being sick.

(And btw, we as kids invited ourselves to almost everywhere our visiting cousins went, just for the sake of having fun together. Thankfully our uncles and aunts made no apparent distinction between us and their kids, and overall behaved like another set of parents.:bowdown)