Need your suggestions?

michelle2003 · Oct 8, 2013

As u know abt my story , how i survived domestic violence and how i got separated from my inlaws and now am living with my husband in the same city. me and my husband shifted to my home in july till date i didn't had any interaction with my inlaws nor they took any initiative to talk to me, but 2 days ago my mil sent karvachauth through my husband, my husband is keeping a good relation with my parents as well as his parents but sometime got angry and use bad words fr me and my family.now what i need to ask is that they said to my husband that u both live ur life we dont have any problem but keep relations healthy they mean that i should visit them at festivals or once or twice in a month.now my husband is asking me to go to inlaws on karwachauth and have fast there and also there is a tradition to give gift to mil so please tell me should i go or not? if i should go than how will i behave with them as you know that we had a bitter relations you can go through my threads and tell what exactly i should do?

beingloved · Oct 8, 2013

If they are trying to keep cordial relations, then you can always do the same. Why to extend negativity in your lives?

BUT, be very clear of everyone's motives. Keep your eyes open and DO NOT try to be too good for them.

Just keep it formal and cordial. Do not over indulge in anything. But keep relations at normal level.

sunshine1970 · Oct 8, 2013

Hi I am glad we heard from you as I was wondering how its going. You know what they are extending the olive branch and keeeping some type of relationship with them is healthy as they are your DH parents (but I do no about all the horrible things they did to you). Be on emotional guard, map out in your head what type of relathionship you would be willing to have and then share this with your DH. Better yet, ask him what he expects and weight that against what you are comfortable with. I don't think you should be spending the whole day with them as the very first contact you have with them, that would be so uncomfortable. Meet your DH half way where you guys go together in evening to drop gift off and perhaps share the evening meal. Initially I would never go visit them yourself always have your DH with you. Make it clear the visit will be for x amount of hours that you are comfortable with. I have attended a lot of therapy and my therapist says it is important to keep your IL in your life at some level as they are not going away. And difficult to have good relationship with your DH if he expects the same. Emotionally though stay distant from them, do not share any personal details with them and just nod, smile and be polite. If they get aggressive and mean again be prepared to let them know that you are uncomfortable with this and that you need to leave and you guys can discuss the matter at a later time when everyone is rational. Don't engage in any arguments with them. Hey what about inviting them to your place so you are in control as an ice breaker before karva choth?

guesshoo · Oct 9, 2013

Hi OP,

i just went through your posts again. Your ILs have been grossly out of order. You don't have to forgive them. It is great that you and your DH live alone. I feel it is too early for you to go and start mingling with them after what they have put your though. Just please tell your husband that you need time to heal. Tell him that in a year or so you might talk to them / visit them. They might say sorry; but they only seem to want to play happy families in front of society.

I feel you getting back to them is only going to open a can of worms since abusers never change. If they get what they want now, there wold be no respect for you.

Also anytime they start acting funny be brave and call the police on them. That's all they deserve.

michelle2003 · Oct 9, 2013

yes i m also missing u guys, u guided me like my mother and sisters. i took that brave step because of u guys.thank u.

what i was thinking , just to visit them for 1 hour on karwachauth day and do that gifting formality to mil and not to be friendly with them coz i know what i have seen in that house coz of them only.

ShilpaMa · Oct 9, 2013

I agree, 1 hr should be a gud step to start with... now if they ask you to stay longer or do some more rituals, take it from there... if you're feeling hostility then leave without any answering back or cajoling H to drop you..

There are 2 aspects of mingling back:
1 - You're consciously diluting the pain and offense that you've felt for the sake of marriage and H and minimal relationships.
2 - You have to maintain a safe distance and talks to ensure that there's no repeat telecast since (1) is assumed.

sunshine1970 · Oct 9, 2013

Hi if 1 hour is all your comfortable with go with that, be polite and give the gift and make DH aware ahead of time that after an hour you guys need to leave and he needs to signal by getting up ready to leave. If they want you to stay longer, play it by ear, if you are feeling comfy then stay if not leave, do what makes you feel the best becuase they have left no stone un turned in being so mean to you. I am so proud of you.

silvertulip · Oct 9, 2013

Meet them, but keep in mind that physical and emotional distance from them is required for u to be safe and sound!

simpleMom · Oct 11, 2013

How about your husband dealing with gifts/sweets/clothes etc.? That will drastically reduce complicated interactions. You do your puja for every festival at your home. But go to your in-laws place just before dinner time. Have it and come back.

tulipzz · Oct 11, 2013

How shameless of your mil! There is a gifting ritual so she wants you there!

If you are like me - Don't go.

If you are a little nicer, send some gift via dh. Still don't go.

If you do anything more than that, you are telling them that it's totally okay to treat you like that.