My wife is distancing herself from me

@coolwinds

The sneaky behavior itself is what made me speculate that she is immature. This is not a character flaw. People's core values do not change suddenly. If the OP wife has had such a character it would have shown in the many years of their lives together.

On the other hand, the behavioral change must have happened once the OP wife has mentally checked out of the marriage. I do not know if you have heard about the "Walkaway wife syndrome". OP's wife exhibits the same traits of a Walkaway wife(WAW). It is generally agreed that the best way to make a walkaway wife come to her senses is for her spouse to stop being deferential to her and take control of the marriage. Hence the book suggestion. As much as it might seem sexist to you, I was only talking in the context of a WAW. And it is justified to be a alpha male in such a situation if the OP wants to keep the family together.

If she was just being a mean person, I would not have had my doubts. But she is looking elsewhere than fixing her marriage to get out of her misery. A secret FB account. Looking outwards for happiness. Clandestinely renewing the passport, are not stuff that someone who is "just miserable" does. These are obvious signs that she is planning her exit-strategy. Are we still going to treat this as "a disgruntled wife who needs to be appeased" scenario?

If on the other hand, the OP's wife is not a WAW, then whatever you say applies. Someone even mentioned something about a mental disturbance akin to the Twinkie defence. Nothing can be ruled out.

We both want his marriage to survive and flourish. It will be sad to see a family be destroyed. But like I have already mentioned, it is neither for you nor me to psychoanalyze the OP's wife. I've put forward my theory. You've put forward yours. Only the OP knows what really applies to his situation.

 

i agree with MaritalBliss comments, my situation is something on same lines. 4-5 years is enough time to forgive /recover but seems like she has another agenda. She educated & working class , she knows what she is doing.

 

Why dont you create a Fake a/c in Fakebook and befriend your wife's alter ego! it might give you better insight of whats going on in her mind and you may be able to help her.

 

Hi,

She is taking you as granted.if your kids grow in such environment,it is not good.
Pls involve her mother and other relatives and tell this.if she is not changing,please don't continue this it would really affect your kids.your a nice husband and father.let only the second one continue further.

 

Oh wow...one good piece of advice....even otherwise

 

Unfortunate situation. Its really high time that you should learn to grow psychologically and domestically independent in this marriage. Since you have already realized the fact that she wants you out of the marriage and has even given a suggestion to commit suicide, maybe she is bored with you or could have found other interests to persue for which she may be seeing you as a barrier for her freedom.

These kind of unexpected twists and turns in marriage is very much possible, and its just a myth in our society that a woman can never be wrong in marriage.

There are two things that can be done, forget about her existence in your life for a definitive period from now, and then concentrate on your life and that of your kids. If at all she feels for you, she may comeback after some time.

Other is, since you have already waited for 4/5 years for her to comeback in this marriage, you can ask her if she is really interested in this relationship or wants to take divorce. If she prefers latter, just go ahead and give her what she wants. Practically, there is nothing much you can do in such case than fight legally for child custodyif the situation demands.

This talk should put an end to your problem either way, either she is willing to take counseling to work on this marriage or she opts her own way out, which you cant stop anyway. Do it, than resent later

Good luck.... and thanks actually, as subsequent responses has given a hint about how to interrogate and crucify about her role…. in case if a woman come and say that she was ill treated by in laws or she is being emotionally bullied by her husband or her husband is no more willing to work on the marriage despite her efforts over the period.

 

The bigger question,is the second kid choice of both of your decision or is that one person choice??

Was she not able to attend her father she he was sick or was she not able to see him for funerals??

I know what she is doing is not a fair thing but not she what really went in between.

People had to move on with issues.And the can't sit in one place and keep wandering about them.That will kill there sanity and peace of there life and surrounding people.

 

Dear DadOfTwo,

It is very painful to hear what you have been going through since 2009. Whether it is a man abusing a woman or woman abusing a man in a marriage, it is really bad. But as you have two children who are growing in a extremely hostile environment, you have to make some quick decisions to fix the issues one way or other. Frankly, 4 years of such environment is extremely dangerous for the mental growth of your children.

She has to go through anger management counseling. Her attitude and temperament is extremely inappropriate at home. Her attitude of using a colleague to extend the passport of your son is improper. She is constantly trying to attack you in different ways and trying to convey that she has no respect for you. You have given two events as trigger points for her change of attitude: a) C-Section delivery and b) her father's death. Neither of that should develop anger against you and obviously, there is more to it and only counseling can help her. You have to make her agree to go for counseling in the interest of the children. I am pretty sure the professional help will find the root cause of this problem.

If she doesn't like you completely and want to build a new relationship, being a financial independent person, she would not hesitate to seek divorce from you or ask you to move out. Apparently, she continues to live with you and she might be suffering from bipolar disorder or might be schizophrenic. She doesn't mean whatever she is saying to you or doing to you. She needs your help and support. Unless a professional evaluates her, you should not make hasty decision. If I were you, I will help her to overcome this situation and in the process help the children to enjoy wonderful relationship with both parents. Please don't discuss with any other extended family members and try to resolve it between the two of you.

You are the best judge as you are on the spot. Please forgive me, if my above thoughts are inaccurate in your judgment.

I wish you and family very best and I pray for your family to enjoy happiness and joy soon.

Viswa

 

OP, you sure seems to be riding a dead horse, as it is clearly evident that she is trying to bypass you from her life. The reasons could be various, and its foolish to blame mid life crisis or whatever way for her mistakes. if husband keeps on abusing her wife over years and again blames wife for the reason of such behavior, i dont buy such kind of baseless excuses

Talk to her firmly as to what she feels about this marriage and whether she is willing to work on it or not. Spouse, especially after becoming a parent should be matured to handle relationship than linger around FB with fake id or blame other spouse for one's inaction

 

I did not go through all the replies and suggestions here. Basically all what I could see in your thread is an alarming psychological issue, that your wife need medical attention immediately.

A child birth at the age of 41 is not easy. Have you heard about postpartum depression. It is a psychological problem that attacks some women, specially those undergo this trouble of pregnancies, c-section and family issues at the time of their 40s.

If that's the case, better not to wait further, but to address her issue professionally.

Do not say that she won't come to see a doctor. You must find a way to take her out to a doctor and treat her.

If not, her depression can increase with time, and that might end up in anything. It is already affecting your family life, her health and your children's future.